O mnie

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litera-ognista-aJestem Ania. Byłam w ciąży, niestety nie udało mi się donosić jej do końca, w 12 tygodniu musiała zostać przerwana. Było to dla mnie tak silne przeżycie, że chcąc ułożyć sobie wszystko w głowie musiałam znaleźć sobie na to jakiś sposób. No i właśnie stąd ten blog, to jest mój sposób. Może niezbyt oryginalny, ale działa.

Nie jestem domorosłym psychologiem, lekarzem, pedagogiem ani ciążowym ekspertem. Jestem kobietą, która poniosła stratę i opisuje swoje uczucia i wszystkie wydarzenia, które nastąpiły po otrzymaniu wiadomości o śmierci naszego dziecka. Staram się nie oceniać, nie narzucać swojego zdania. Pewne rzeczy mnie śmieszą, pewne irytują, piszę tu o wszystkim. Pierwsze dni po zabiegu były dla mnie jak do tej pory najgorszymi w całym życiu, widać to po wpisach, jednak teraz wszystko powoli się stabilizuje, wraca do normy. Więcej rzeczy widzę, więcej mnie interesuje, nie załamałam się, idę dalej.

Mam zamiar zajść w ciążę i urodzić zdrowe dziecko, mam nadzieję, że niejedno. To wszystko jeszcze przede mną. W chwili obecnej jestem autorem bloga o poronieniu, mam nadzieję, że tematyka wkrótce się zmieni.

368 comments to “O mnie”
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  134. Cześć. Ja również dziękuje Ci za tego bloga. Czytając Twoje posty płakałam, ale czułam że dzięki temu schodzą ze mnie moje emocje. Tak jak Ty w 12 tygodniu na zwykłej kontroli dowiedziałam się, że od 9 tygodnia serce nie bije i maluszek się nie rozwija. Tak jak u Ciebie to była moja pierwsza ciąża i była bardzo chciana. We wtorek kilka dni temu miałam wywoływane poronienie i zabieg. Staram się pozbierać dla mojego ukochanego, który nie opuścił mnie ani na chwilę przez ten czas.
    Dzięki Twojej historii powoli zaczynam wierzyć, że może mi też będzie dane być mamą. Kiedyś. Teraz chcę znowu zacząć się uśmiechać i nie myśleć obsesyjnie, że nie zobaczę swojego maleństwa we wrześniu.
    Pozdrawiam Cię i dziękuję. Hania

  135. Dziękuję Ci za tego bloga. Trafiłam tu, wpisując w wyszukiwarce frazę: „ile l4 po poronieniu”. Wczoraj wyszłam ze szpitala (tabletki na wywołanie poronienia, całe wieczór i noc skurczów, a ostatecznie i tak łyżeczkowanie), lekarz dał mi do zrozumienia, że jestem „leserką”, prosząc o 2 tygodnie. Syty głodnego nie zrozumie. Teraz widzę, że to jego podejście było nie w porządku, nie moje.
    Byłam już w 11 tygodniu, odliczałam dni do magicznej granicy 12 tyg, po której zamierzałam zacząć dzielić się tą radosną nowiną z przyjaciółmi. Kupiłam nawet ciążowe dżinsy.. Tymczasem okazało się, że od 8 tyg serduszko nie bije.
    Trudno mi uwierzyć, że nie urodzę we wrześniu – już widziałam siebie na jesiennych spacerach z maleństwem. Pozostaje wierzyć, że mój aniołek przyjdzie do mnie po prostu w innym czasie. Ściskam mocno wszystkie kobiety, które przez to przechodzą, życząc im i sobie dużo sił i nadziei

    • Historia jak moja, u nas było tak samo. Przykro mi, że przez to przechodzisz. Pozostaje mi tylko życzyć Ci takiego samego zakończenia, jak nam. Tutaj na blogu, w komentarzach, znajdziesz całą masę przykładów na to, że po burzy często wychodzi słońce, wiele kobiet które przeżyły to, co teraz przeżywasz Ty, teraz cieszy się macierzyństwem. Trzymam mocno za Ciebie kciuki!

  136. 8 listopada tego roku zapadł mój wyrok. Ta sama historia co u ciebie . 12 tc wizyta kontrolna i cisza wiedziałam, ze coś jest nie tak a pozniej słowa przykro mi od 9 tc dziecko sie nie rozwija serce przestało bić. Pozniej pamietam tylko płacz mój i męża w samochodzie. Na 2 dzień szpital i zaczyna sie wywoływanie poronienia. Ciagle płacz rodzicow i pytanie jsk sie czujesz ? Jak mam sie czuć nigdy sie tego nie dowiedzą i oby żadna sie nie dowiedziała jsk sie wtedy czuje . Gadanie będziesz jeszcze mama , jesteś młoda ! Ja miałam być juz mama, kochałam to dziecko i chviakam tego dziecka . Ciagle pytania w mojej głowie czemu Ja a nie inna ?! Przecież kochałam to dziecko najbardziej na świecie i jego pragnęłam ;(

    • Dlatego ja się cieszę ze przeżyłam to wszystko trochę samotnie tzn wiedział mąż i chyba nikt więcej. Nikt nie zadawał głupich pytań jak się czuję, nie pocieszal ze będzie dobrze kiedy było do dupy…
      Pozostaje mi wierzyć w słowa lekarza ze widać maleństwo było zbyt chore i dlatego tak się stało. No i po tym wszystkim udało mi się urodzić fantastycznego syna więc jednak jest dobrze choć na zawsze w pamięci zostaną tamte aniołki

    • Naprawdę taka sama historia. TRzymam za Ciebie kciuki, żebyś szybko pokonała najgorszy smutek. Ja uważam, że go trzeba przeżyć, żeby iść dalej. Pamiętam dokładnie jak się wtedy czułam i bardzo Ci współczuję, że teraz przez to przechodzisz. Ściskam Cię mocno! Ania

      • Cześć. Nie wiem jeszcze, kiedy kolejna. Dawid ma dopiero 10 miesięcy, na razie staram się cieszyć każdym dniem z nim. Strach przed kolejną ciążą jest normalny i niestety nie znam na niego lekarstwa. Jednak warto walczyć i ten strach pokonać. Będę trzymać mocno za Ciebie kciuki

  137. Po przeczytaniu po raz setny Twojego całego bloga, przez zupełny przypadek odkryłam rzecz niesamowitą. Mieszkamy w tym samym mieście. Wszystkiego bym się spodziewała- ale chyba nie tego 😉 Pozdrawiam 😉

  138. Aniu, jestem Twoją imienniczką. Wczoraj odkryłam Twojego bloga i do późnych godzin nocnych nie mogłam przestać czytać. Aniu dokładnie tydzień temu przeżyłam dokładnie, wszystko co Ty. Poroniłam moją długą wyczekiwaną ciążę, na którą tak czekałam, dokładnie w 6 tyg. ciąża przestała się rozwijać. Był szpital, zabieg łyżeczkowania, jest nadal ból, smutek i nieutulony żal i czas, który w cale nie leczy ran………Twoja historia jest moją historią. Pozwól, ze będę zaglądać na Twój blog i bo jednak Twoja historii kończy się happy endem. Pozdrawiam

    • Dla wielu z nas ta historia konczy sie dobrze wiec o ile to dzis glupio brzmi to jak bedziesz juz miala na to sile trzeba podniesc glowe do gory i zawalczyc o szczesliwe macierzynstwo!

    • Właśnie w to trzeba wierzyć, w szczęśliwe zakończenia. To daje siłę by starać się i przez to wszystko przejść! Trzymaj się, pozdrawiam serdecznie!

  139. Aniu, właśnie przezywam tę wielką tragedię. Tydzień temu przeszłam zabieg po tym jak serduszko mojego maleństwa przestało bić w 8 tc. U mnie wszystko przebiegało w podobny sposob jak u Ciebie,nic tego nie zapowiadalo,wiadomosc uslyszana podczas kontrolnego usg sprawila ze wraz z dzieciatkiem umarla czesc mnie.Byłam pewna ze mnie to nigdy nie spotka, a jednak. Przez ten tydzien bardzo spokornialam i zrozumialam wiele rzeczy.Mam juz cudowna coreczke,ale to nie zmniejsza mojego bolu.Teraz czekam na wynik hist-pat choc wiem,ze pewnie niewiele wykaze.Ogarnia mnie tak wielka rozpacz,wszystko jest bez znaczenia,ale musze byc silna dla mojej coreczki.Wierze,ze jeszcze zaswieci dla mnie slonce.Twoj blog mi w tym pomaga.Trzymam za Was kciuki.

    • Nam, które mają starsze dziecko w domu jest łatwiej i trudniej zarazem. Mamy w domu mała istotke do kochania ale też wiemy ile miłości i radości wnosi do domu taki mały szkrab. Mam nadzieję że twój aniołek postanowił tylko opóźnić przyjście w twoje ramiona. Trzymaj się choć wiem ze to w tej chwili trudne!

    • Przejdziesz to, jeszcze będzie dobrze, naprawdę. Wiem, co teraz czujesz, bo pamiętam, bardzo Ci współczuję. Dobrze, że masz wokół siebie rodzinę, to jest potrzebne. Niestety, nikt z nas nie dopuszcza do siebie myśli, że nam się to przydarzy, jednak na pewne sprawy nie mamy wpływu. Rok temu głaskałam się po brzuchu i cieszyłam się z pierwszej ciąży, tak niezwykłej. Teraz w żebra kopie mnie brat mojego aniołka, tyle się stało od tego czasu. Mam nadzieję, że wszystko się dobrze dla Ciebie ułoży, trzymaj się, pozdrawiam serdecznie

  140. Witam.

    Zaczęłam czytać Twój blog w momencie kiedy i mnie dopadły „cyckowe histerie”. W 2013 roku, ciesząc się pozytywnym testem ciążowym, w szpitalu przy ogromnych bólach brzucha dowiedziałam się, że ciąża rozwijała się w jajowodzie, który pękł. I zostało 50% szans na zajście w kolejną, zdrową ciąże. Pod koniec 2014 roku, usłyszałam od lekarza, że nie mam owulacji, że najlepiej będzie skierować się do kliniki leczenia niepłodności. Nie napiszę co wtedy poczułam. I nie jestem w stanie opisać, tego co poczułam gdy miesiąc później zobaczyłam 2 kreski na teście. 6 tygodni później, nie zobaczyłam serduszka. Rozwaliłam się, na milion kawałków. Mam w niebie 2 aniołki, na pewno cudowne. A teraz pod sercem synka. Zdrowego, mocno kąpiącego. Ale pierwsze 15 tygodni ciąży były horrorem. I każdy Twój kolejny wpis Aniu, traktowałam jak swój własny. Bo czułam dokładnie to samo. I chciałabym już zamknąć oczy, i otworzyć je w czerwcu, w dniu przewidywanego porodu. Zostało jeszcze tylko 17 tygodni. Mam nadzieję, że dam radę ! 🙂 Pozdrawiam.

    • Jeszcze chwila, te 17 tygodni szybko zleci, ale doskonale Cię rozumiem, też bym chciała, żeby był już kwiecień i żeby mój synek był ze mną cały i zdrowy, bezpieczny po porodzie. Mi zostało jeszcze 10, podobno pod koniec zaczyna się dłużyć, zobaczymy. Miło mi, jeżeli moje wpisy Ci pomogły, czasem jak piszę co czuję, to mam wrażenie, że ludzie pomyślą że jestem wariatką, że ciągle w głowie stare przeżycia, których nie potrafię zostawić za sobą. Ja się staram w pełni cieszyć tą ciążą, jednak to nie jest takie do końca łatwe. Człowiek już wie jak boli strata i boi się, by nie musieć przeżywać tego jeszcze raz. Mój synek kopie mnie codziennie, daje znaki, jak go czuję to jest łatwiej. Pozdrawiam i życzę Wam dużo zdrowia!! 🙂

  141. Aniu, Twój blog jest świetny. Po moim nieszczęściu przeczytałam setki postów, blogów. Na Twój natrafiłam wczoraj, całkiem przypadkiem. Szczerze, sama nie wiem jak. Zapewne mój Aniołek mnie tak pokierował, zapewne chce, abym w końcu się podniosła i zaczęła żyć. Żyć normalnie, cieszyć się każdym dniem. Ech, jakie to ciężkie. Nie umiem się cieszyć, nawet usmiechać sie nie potrafię- tak szczerze. Umiem tylko udawać przed innymi, że jest dobrze, żeby się nie martwili. Jest strasznie ciężko. Długo zastanawiałam się czy napisać, i Ty Aniu jesteś pierwszą blogerką do której piszę. Tak bardzo ujęły mnie Twoje słowa, dokładnie to samo co przeszłam ja, tak jakbym widziała siebie.

    • Chyba kazda z nas przeszla przez etap ze dla innych zachowywala sie normalnie a w srodku sie wyc chcialo. Zabrzmi to rutynowo ale potrzeba czasu zeby bylo malymi kroczkami po troche latwiej. Nigdy juz nie bedzie tak jak wczesniej ale bedzie lepiej. Mnie pomaga mysl ze widocznie dziecko bylo zbyt chore by przyjsc na swiat.

  142. Strata dziecka jest największym bólem, jaki się czuje i nieważne, czy jest to nienarodzone, czy już normalnie funkcjonujące potomstwo, ważne, że serduszko pracowało i tak, jak my – było istotą ludzką. Bardzo Ci współczuję, ale teraz się uda. Jestem tego przekonana i życzę dużooo zdrówka i cierpliwości, bo sama już nie mogę się doczekać, kiedy na świat przyjdzie moje Maleństwo.
    Pozdrawiam cieplutko!:)

  143. Z wielkim wzruszeniem i przerażeniem czytałam Twojego bloga w ostatni weekend. Gładziłam się po moim brzuszku ciesząc się, że moje maleństwo rośnie szczęśliwie we mnie.
    Dzisiaj mam własnego Aniołka. W 9 tygodniu dowiedziałam się, że jego serduszko przestało bić.
    Dzisiaj jestem dzień po naturalnym wywołaniu poronienia i łyżeczkowaniu. Z ręką na sercu mogę powiedzieć, że było to najgorsze doświadczenie w moim życiu. Pomimo, że uważam się za osobę o silnej psychice.
    W jednym dniu straciłam dwie najważniejsze w moim życiu osoby – dziecko, którego tak bardzo pragnęłam i narzeczonego, który po 6 wspólnych latach nie wytrzymał natłoku wydarzeń i zostawił mnie 1,5 miesiąca przed ślubem, w najtragiczniejszym okresie mojego życia.
    Miałam być jedną na milion, a nie jedną na trzy…

    • Przykro mi bardzo, naprawdę. Nie potrafię napisać nic, po czym mogłabyś się poczuć lepiej. Mam nadzieję, że mimo tragedii Twój związek jednak to przetrwa. Nie będę pisała, że jak Twój narzeczony Cię zostawił, to jest najgorszy na świecie. Mam nadzieję, że się ogranie i zrozumie, że teraz jego miejsce jest przy Tobie bardziej niż kiedykolwiek. Chyba, że Ty już tego nie chcesz. Trzymaj się, życzę dużo siły 🙁

    • Współczuję Ci bardzo.
      Swojego maluszka straciłam w 17 tyg. ciąży. Na początku wydawało mi się, że „zdechnę”. Tak bardzo bolało, nie chciało mi się żyć. Z perspektywy 2 i pół miecha mogę stwierdzić, że pogodziłam się ze stratą, w sumie nie dałoby mi nic ciągłe roztrząsanie „dlaczego”. Emocje już w dużej mierze zwietrzały. Teraz mam nadzieję, że kolejny raz będzie dla nas szczęśliwy. Teraz po prostu znów pragnę być w ciąży.
      Wiem, że ciężko to przyjąć, ale uwierz mi, że z czasem będziesz w lepszej kondycji psychicznej. Będziesz mogła o tym mówić bez piekących powiek. Czego Ci szczerze życzę.
      Co do Twojego narzeczonego nie mam słów. Nie chcę go oceniać bo go nawet nie znam. Mam nadzieję, że masz kogoś kto jest dla Ciebie wsparciem w tej trudnej drodze. Dobrze sobie znaleźć jakieś zajęcia. Podczas zwolnienia zapychałam głowę serialami komediowymi, etc. Potem wróciła do pracy i też miałam mniej czasu na rozmyślanie.
      Życzę Ci, żebyś miała przy sobie mężczyznę, w którym znajdziesz oparcie.

  144. Czesc! W dniu ktory mialam rozpoczac tylko po to zeby umowic sie na zabieg usuniecia martwej ciazy przyszedl do mnie 4letni synek i rozpoczal dzien slowami „mamusiu kocham cie najbardziej na swiecie” to dalo mi bardzo duzo sily.
    A teraz stoi kolo mnie 3latek (i karmi mnie ciastkami :-)) ktory urodzil sie rowno rok po tym jak mial sie urodzic tamten aniolek.
    W pamieci na zawsze zostanie 4c a 2dz ale po urodzeniu zdrowego mlodszego synka ten bol jest inny. Kazda (i kazdy bo tatusiowie tez wowczas traca upragnione dziecko) z nas radzi sobie na swoj sposob z ta zaloba mnie pomaga zapalenie znicza na opuszczonym grobie malego dziecka.
    Zycze ci zebys dolaczyla do tych 2/3 i na pocieszenie dodam ze wszystkie mamy ktore znam z klubu 1/3 weszly niebawem do tego drugiego klubu jedna nawet dubeltowo i na jesieni bedzie swietowac drugie urodziny swoich chlopakow

  145. Cześć Dziewczyny,

    jak się domyślacie mnie też to spotkało i o ile zawsze miałam się za ‚zrównoważoną’ osobę, ta sytuacja mnie totalnie rozwaliła.

    Nigdy nie byłam typem matki-Polki. Dość długo nie czułam się gotowa do roli matki. Kiedy jednak zaszłam w ciążę, chyba pierwszy raz w życiu poczułam się naprawdę szczęśliwa. Teraz miało się już wszystko ułożyć.
    W tym samym czasie przeżyłam inne tragiczne sytuacje: choroba i śmierć bliskiej osoby i ciężka choroba Matki. Od poronienia minęło już 8 miesięcy. W międzyczasie straciłam prace. Chyba nie muszę tłumaczyć dlaczego. I każdy dzień jest gorszy od poprzedniego.

    Mam 30 lat, wszystkie koleżanki rodzą kolejne dzieci. Wszyscy nagle są w ciąży. A ja nie mogę tego znieść. Zarzucam sobie, że to moja wina, że to wszystko, przez to że zwlekałam, że to jakaś kara. Nikt kto tego nie przeżył nie jest w stanie nawet sobie wyobrazić jak potworny to jest ból. Mimo, że dziecko nie miało nawet 10 tygodni. W moim życiu wszystko się zmieniło a ja nie wierzę, że kiedykolwiek będzie dobrze.

    Jeśli któraś z Was chciałaby znaleźć bratnią duszę to podaje maila. Możecie do mnie napisać. Może razem łatwiej będzie na to znieść.

    Pozdrawiam,Daria

    • Witam,
      Kiedy zaczęłam pisać blog, napisała do mnie pewna dziewczyna. Spotkało ją to samo co nas. Napisała, że po wyjściu ze szpitala miała poważny wypadek, później straciła pracę, wszystko się posypało. Ale zaszła w ciążę po jakimś czasie i ma teraz zdrowe, śliczne dziecko. Nie załamuj się. Ja wiem, jak trudno jest przez to przejść, jednak codziennie staram się myśleć pozytywnie. Piszę blog, zaczęłam biegać, żeby poprawić kondycję przed następną ciążą, idę do przodu. Naprawdę wierzę, że będzie dobrze, tylko trzeba się pozbierać. Trzymam za Ciebie kciuki 🙂 Ania

  146. Witam,
    trafiłam na Twój blog przypadkiem. Zainteresował mnie, bo przeżyłam dokładnie to samo co Ty, tyle że w 10 tyg. ciąży. Na drugiej wizycie, podczas kontrolnego USG nie mogłam znaleźć bijacego serduszka, które przecież bilo na poprzedniej wizycie. Myślałam, że tylko ja nie widzę a lekarz je zobaczy na swoim monitorku ale on potwierdził tylko, że tętno zanikło. Koszmar. Chciałam Ci podziękować za wpisy bo dzięki nim wiem, że nie zwariowalam. Przeżywam tak samo każdy gest ludzi, wujka google nienawidzę i czekam jak na zbawienie na kolejną ciążę. Tak bardzo tęsknię za moim dzieckiem.
    Właśnie minęły 4 mies od poronienia. Staramy się dalej ale znów nie wychodzi. Jest inaczej. Seks jest inny. Boje się.
    Jeszcze raz dziękuję, pisz dalej bo warto. Trzymam za Ciebie kciuki.

    • Witam. Przede wszystkim bardzo Ci współczuję. Dziękuję za ten wpis, cieszę się, że Ci to pomaga. Mi bardzo pomogło napisanie wszystkiego, co czuję teraz w dalszym ciągu staram się dzielić moimi przemyśleniami, na razie nie mam zamiaru przestać 🙂 Też tęsknię. Są chwile, kiedy jest mi lepiej, ale później znów przychodzi taki dziwny niepokój, żal, smutek. Staram się iść do przodu z dobrym nastawieniem, chociaż jest to chwilami ciężkie. Życzę powodzenia, również trzymam kciuki 🙂

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