W ciągłym niedoczasie

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Brakuje mi czasu. Rąk mi brakuje, energii też bardzo często i włosów na głowie, co by je sobie rwać w momencie zwątpienia. Doba nie chce się rozciągnąć, poranna kawa już nawet nie udaje, że może pomóc, a włosy wypadły z takim samym rozmachem, z jakim w ciąży rosły. Ciężko się zebrać, żeby coś napisać. Na blogu pajęczyny i echo, aż przykro. W ciągłym niedoczasie jestem, w pędzie, w biegu. Mam wrażenie, że gdzieś zgubiłam ostatnie pół roku. Nie brzmi to wszystko najlepiej, ale mimo to, jakbym się miała zastanowić, czy dobrze mi w tym stanie, to bez chwili namysłu powiedziałabym, że najlepiej, chociaż pół dnia na plaży z zimnym drinkiem w dłoni i brakiem w pobliżu kogokolwiek urodzonego po roku dwutysięcznym, mogłoby to szczęście dopełnić.

Nie piszę często, bo zmęczona jestem okrutnie i ciężko mi się myśli. Pisać tylko po to, żeby pisać, to bez sensu. Wena została zjedzona przez brak snu i niedoczas właśnie. Przyjdzie moment, że opiszę wszystko. Opiszę, jak hormony po ciąży zrobiły mi z głowy sieczkę i tydzień przepłakałam nie mogąc sobie poradzić z faktem, że ktoś kiedyś o jednym z moich synów powie, że jest brzydszy od drugiego. Opiszę, jakie mam zdanie na temat porodu naturalnego po cesarskim cięciu. Opiszę, jak drugie dziecko wywróciło cały nasz dom do góry nogami i jednocześnie sprawiło, że jest nam jeszcze lepiej. Opiszę, jak różni mogą być bracia i jak da się kochać tak samo mocno, a jednak każdego inaczej. Opiszę, jak duży wysiłek mój nielotny ostatnio umysł musiał wykonać, by zrozumieć, jak na te wszystkie zmiany zareagował Dawid. Wszystko opiszę, tylko muszę odespać. Jeżeli masz więc wystarczająco dużo cierpliwości i chęci, by to wszystko czytać, to poczekaj na mnie proszę. Jeszcze chwila i będę pisać, zapraszam.

Nadal chcę, by Mapa Szczęścia była. Nawet jeżeli wpisy pojawiają się raz na kwartał, nadal znajdują ją osoby, które piszą, że pomaga. Niech więc działa, niech daje nadzieję, a ja niezmiennie trzymam za Was kciuki, żebyście mogły mi kiedyś napisać, że wpadałybyście tu częściej, ale nie dajecie rady, bo niedoczas macie i niewyspanie.

Szczęście mam wielkie, naprawdę. I mimo, że chwilami mam dość, a przed własnymi dziećmi schowałabym się tam, gdzie w moim domu chowają się wszystkie skarpetki, które nie chcą już życia w parze, to nigdy bym tego na nic nie zamieniła. Trwam więc w tym niedoczasie i czekam, bo wiem, że dzieci rosną, umiejętności zdobywają i jednego dnia rano oślinione i łyse drą się bez opamiętania w tęsknocie za cyckiem, po to by już drugiego biegnąc za kolegami z chrupkiem w ręku, odgonić cię od siebie i z głośnym „mama, sio” oświadczyć całemu światu, a tobie to już na pewno, że mają już dwa lata, zaraz pójdą na studia i jeszcze będziesz tęsknić za tym niedoczasem, bo czasu będziesz mieć aż nadto.

Zaglądajcie też na instagram, tam jest nas trochę więcej i częściej, bo social media mają ten wielki plus, że dzieje się w nich szybko, tak zwany międzyczas w niedoczasie.  Nie to, że chcę tu spamować, ale jakoś dzięki temu, że publikujemy tam, mam mniejsze wyrzuty sumienia, że zaniedbuję blog, który tak kocham. Konto goorusy, wpadajcie, zapraszamy.

Idę spać. Nie będzie puenty, bo wysilić się na nią nie dam rady. Dobranoc wszystkim. Poprawę obiecuję, ale to jeszcze nie teraz. Teraz spać idę, szczęśliwa w  ciągłym niedoczasie.

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