To, że masz lepiej nie znaczy, że jesteś lepsza

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Masz koleżankę matkę? Ale nie, że taką zwykłą, przeciętna. Chodzi mi o taką super ogarnięta, która ma zorganizowaną każdą minutę dnia, wie wszystko o wszystkim, w jej domu zawsze lśni, jej dzieci lśnią, ona również lśni i nigdy, ale to absolutnie nigdy nic jej nie zaskakuje, bo w byciu mamą jest tak dobra, ze klękajcie narody? Nie udało Ci się dzisiaj coś? Masz zły dzień? Powiedz jej o tym. Ona już biegnie z pomocą, by uświadomić Ci, jak bardzo nie umiesz tego, co ona opanowała z przysłowiowym palcem w jej idealnej, matczynej dupce. Przecież wszystko to kwestia organizacji, WSZYSTKO. Ona już to wie, teraz pora, żebyś w końcu Ty to pojęła. A kiedy już złapiesz doła i stwierdzisz, że coś robisz nie tak, że nie potrafisz, że nie dajesz rady, kiedy zapłaczesz nad tym, że Twoje starsze dziecko zjadło dzisiaj na obiad parówki, a z młodszym nie byłaś na spacerze od tygodnia, bo darło się za każdym razem, kiedy próbowałaś włożyć je do wózka, kiedy stwierdzisz, że wyglądasz najgorzej w całej karierze, a powinnaś przecież zawsze być zadbana i błyszcząca, usiądź, złap głęboki oddech, przypomnij sobie, co o swoim geniuszu organizacji mówiła Ci koleżanka i…nie wierz jej.

Po czterech miesiącach nierównej walki z dwójką dzieci, spędzając z nimi w tygodniu sam na sam po 11 godzin w ciągu dnia, jedno co jestem w stanie stwierdzić na pewno, to że absolutnie nie ode mnie zależy, jak nasz dzień będzie wyglądał. Jeżeli druga matka mówi Ci, że ona ma na wszystko patent, zawsze udaje jej się położyć potomstwo o jednej godzinie, w tym czasie sprząta, prasuje, gotuje obiad i czyta książki, to znaczy, że ma fart, bo ma po prostu bardzo współpracujące dziecko, bądź dzieci. Nawet najbardziej zorganizowana osoba polegnie, kiedy dziecko ma zły dzień. Nie ma takiej możliwości, żeby zmusić do spania dziecko, kiedy ono nie chce spać (z wyłączeniem zastosowania chloroformu). Nie ugotujesz dwudaniowego obiadu, ani nawet jajka na twardo nie ugotujesz, kiedy uwieszone na Tobie dziecko ryczy w niebo głosy, a drugie skrobie Ci się po nodze. No, chyba że zamkniesz oba te osobniki w szafie i olejesz ich potrzeby, wtedy do dwudaniowego dania może Ci się udać stworzyć nawet jakiś deser. Ja już się z tym pogodziłam. Wstaję rano, patrzę na obu synów i zastanawiam się, co mi na dzisiaj przygotowali. I to nie ma znaczenia, czy dziecko ma 8 tygodni, czy dwa lata, każde z nich może sprawić, ze Twój dzień będzie piękny, albo koszmarny.

Ja nie powinnam narzekać, chociaż bywają dni, że zasypiam na stojąco. Młodszy syn jest wyjątkowo spokojny i radosny. Kiedy skończyły mu się kolki a mi unormowała laktacja, praktycznie cały czas jest zadowolony z życia. Wystarczy, że na niego popatrzysz, a już się śmieje. Ponosisz go na rękach przez dziesięć minut? Możesz odłożyć go na kolejne dwadzieścia. A może przez te cztery miesiące, od kiedy jest z nami, już zdążyłam go wychować na tyle, by zrozumiał, że kiedy muszę ugotować obiad, albo zająć się starszym bratem, on ma leżeć spokojnie na macie i nie protestować? A może to jednak moja zasługa, że starszy syn, Dawid, tak wspaniale przyjął młodszego brata, Kubę i właściwie od początku wykazywał w stosunku do niego tylko przyjazne zachowania? To na pewno dzięki godzinom tłumaczeń dwulatkowi, że karmienie piersią jest dla jego brata niezwykle ważne, ten nie jest o to zazdrosny i w spokoju bawi się autami, podczas gdy ssak przyssany do mnie zabiera mu mamę? Cholera, ja to jednak dobra jestem w tym całym macierzyństwie!

Naprawdę? Czy jestem lepszą matką od tej, której dziecko nie da się odłożyć nawet na czas pójścia do toalety?  Czy to mój sukces, że i z jednym i z drugim synem mogę podróżować ile i gdzie chcę, bo jazda autem w foteliku nie stanowi dla nich żadnego problemu? Za to wyjście z Dawidem do sklepu to droga przez mękę dla mnie, wszystkich obecnych w sklepie i kupujących trzy sklepy dalej. Wychowanie to jedno, temperament to drugie. Czy kobiety w ten sposób muszą leczyć własne ego? Przypisując sobie jako zasługi rzeczy, na które zupełnie nie mają wpływu?

Jeżeli więc któraś super matka mówi Ci, że ma na wczesne rodzicielstwo patent, nie wierz jej. Jedynym patentem, który może sprawić, że mając wymagające dziecko nie chodzisz zajechana i wszystko masz ogarnięte, jest pomoc od innych i tyle w temacie. A jeżeli masz dziecko spokojne to ciesz się, dziękuj i współczuj tym, które nie mają. Ja przy dwójce małych chłopców jestem w stanie ugotować dwudaniowy obiad, lepiłam już przy nich pierogi, piekłam bułki maślane z malinami, podczas gdy żaden z nich nie spał. Kiedy przychodzą jednak takie dni, że dzieci w żaden  sposób nie chcą współpracować, płaczą, jęczą i chcą na ręce, dzwonię po pizzę i zjadam ją bez wyrzutów sumienia, że nie dość, że sobie z czymś nie radzę, to jeszcze rośnie mi tyłek.

Kiedy zaczynasz myśleć o sobie źle  albo kiedy ktoś zaczyna Ci sugerować, że coś z Tobą nie tak i powinnaś sobie z dzieckiem, dwójką czy też piątką dzieci radzić o wiele lepiej, policz do dziesięciu, uspokój oddech i pacnij mocno w łeb siebie, albo tego kogoś, kto gada takie bzdury. Radzisz sobie najlepiej. Nikt nie ma prawa oceniać Cię  dopóki nie wychowuje Twojego dziecka i to jedna z głównych zasad, jakiej nauczyło mnie macierzyństwo. Zdarzy mi się czasem jeszcze popatrzeć krzywo, skrytykować inną matkę w rozmowie z koleżanką, ale szybko przychodzi refleksja, że w sumie to jakim prawem? Dopóki nie mówimy o sytuacjach patologicznych, to naprawdę nie musisz się martwić  Matka dziecku krzywdy nie zrobi, wie jak je ubrać, jak je nosić i jak je przytulać. To, że ktoś nie ma w domu tak sterylnie czysto jak ty, że któreś dziecko jest lżej ubrane od twojego, albo że mama nie trzaska z nim ośmiogodzinnych spacerów nie znaczy, że jest gorsza od Ciebie. Twój dzień z dzieckiem to zbiór haftowanych złotą nicią, pachnących fiołkami minutek? Ciesz się! Masz lepiej! Nie znaczy to jednak, że jesteś lepsza.

Malo mnie tu ostatnio, bardzo mało. Bez reszty zajmują mnie dzieci, a wieczorem, kiedy zasną, zajmuje mnie spanie. Jeżeli jeszcze tu zaglądasz i masz ochotę bardziej wiedzieć, co u nas, zapraszam na nasz instagram „gooorusy”. Jeździmy trochę ostatnio, chodzimy po górkach, D. bo kochał to od zawsze, a ja, bo mogę się w ten sposób zresetować  oderwać, zregenerować. D. zaczyna też kręcić filmy z tych wypraw, pierwszy już powstał, z wycieczki rok temu, kiedy to ja leżałam z mdłościami ciążowymi w domu, a on zabierał Dawida na cały dzień i pokazywał mu świat. Zapraszam i pozdrawiam 🙂

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