To, że masz lepiej nie znaczy, że jesteś lepsza

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Masz koleżankę matkę? Ale nie, że taką zwykłą, przeciętna. Chodzi mi o taką super ogarnięta, która ma zorganizowaną każdą minutę dnia, wie wszystko o wszystkim, w jej domu zawsze lśni, jej dzieci lśnią, ona również lśni i nigdy, ale to absolutnie nigdy nic jej nie zaskakuje, bo w byciu mamą jest tak dobra, ze klękajcie narody? Nie udało Ci się dzisiaj coś? Masz zły dzień? Powiedz jej o tym. Ona już biegnie z pomocą, by uświadomić Ci, jak bardzo nie umiesz tego, co ona opanowała z przysłowiowym palcem w jej idealnej, matczynej dupce. Przecież wszystko to kwestia organizacji, WSZYSTKO. Ona już to wie, teraz pora, żebyś w końcu Ty to pojęła. A kiedy już złapiesz doła i stwierdzisz, że coś robisz nie tak, że nie potrafisz, że nie dajesz rady, kiedy zapłaczesz nad tym, że Twoje starsze dziecko zjadło dzisiaj na obiad parówki, a z młodszym nie byłaś na spacerze od tygodnia, bo darło się za każdym razem, kiedy próbowałaś włożyć je do wózka, kiedy stwierdzisz, że wyglądasz najgorzej w całej karierze, a powinnaś przecież zawsze być zadbana i błyszcząca, usiądź, złap głęboki oddech, przypomnij sobie, co o swoim geniuszu organizacji mówiła Ci koleżanka i…nie wierz jej.

Po czterech miesiącach nierównej walki z dwójką dzieci, spędzając z nimi w tygodniu sam na sam po 11 godzin w ciągu dnia, jedno co jestem w stanie stwierdzić na pewno, to że absolutnie nie ode mnie zależy, jak nasz dzień będzie wyglądał. Jeżeli druga matka mówi Ci, że ona ma na wszystko patent, zawsze udaje jej się położyć potomstwo o jednej godzinie, w tym czasie sprząta, prasuje, gotuje obiad i czyta książki, to znaczy, że ma fart, bo ma po prostu bardzo współpracujące dziecko, bądź dzieci. Nawet najbardziej zorganizowana osoba polegnie, kiedy dziecko ma zły dzień. Nie ma takiej możliwości, żeby zmusić do spania dziecko, kiedy ono nie chce spać (z wyłączeniem zastosowania chloroformu). Nie ugotujesz dwudaniowego obiadu, ani nawet jajka na twardo nie ugotujesz, kiedy uwieszone na Tobie dziecko ryczy w niebo głosy, a drugie skrobie Ci się po nodze. No, chyba że zamkniesz oba te osobniki w szafie i olejesz ich potrzeby, wtedy do dwudaniowego dania może Ci się udać stworzyć nawet jakiś deser. Ja już się z tym pogodziłam. Wstaję rano, patrzę na obu synów i zastanawiam się, co mi na dzisiaj przygotowali. I to nie ma znaczenia, czy dziecko ma 8 tygodni, czy dwa lata, każde z nich może sprawić, ze Twój dzień będzie piękny, albo koszmarny.

Ja nie powinnam narzekać, chociaż bywają dni, że zasypiam na stojąco. Młodszy syn jest wyjątkowo spokojny i radosny. Kiedy skończyły mu się kolki a mi unormowała laktacja, praktycznie cały czas jest zadowolony z życia. Wystarczy, że na niego popatrzysz, a już się śmieje. Ponosisz go na rękach przez dziesięć minut? Możesz odłożyć go na kolejne dwadzieścia. A może przez te cztery miesiące, od kiedy jest z nami, już zdążyłam go wychować na tyle, by zrozumiał, że kiedy muszę ugotować obiad, albo zająć się starszym bratem, on ma leżeć spokojnie na macie i nie protestować? A może to jednak moja zasługa, że starszy syn, Dawid, tak wspaniale przyjął młodszego brata, Kubę i właściwie od początku wykazywał w stosunku do niego tylko przyjazne zachowania? To na pewno dzięki godzinom tłumaczeń dwulatkowi, że karmienie piersią jest dla jego brata niezwykle ważne, ten nie jest o to zazdrosny i w spokoju bawi się autami, podczas gdy ssak przyssany do mnie zabiera mu mamę? Cholera, ja to jednak dobra jestem w tym całym macierzyństwie!

Naprawdę? Czy jestem lepszą matką od tej, której dziecko nie da się odłożyć nawet na czas pójścia do toalety?  Czy to mój sukces, że i z jednym i z drugim synem mogę podróżować ile i gdzie chcę, bo jazda autem w foteliku nie stanowi dla nich żadnego problemu? Za to wyjście z Dawidem do sklepu to droga przez mękę dla mnie, wszystkich obecnych w sklepie i kupujących trzy sklepy dalej. Wychowanie to jedno, temperament to drugie. Czy kobiety w ten sposób muszą leczyć własne ego? Przypisując sobie jako zasługi rzeczy, na które zupełnie nie mają wpływu?

Jeżeli więc któraś super matka mówi Ci, że ma na wczesne rodzicielstwo patent, nie wierz jej. Jedynym patentem, który może sprawić, że mając wymagające dziecko nie chodzisz zajechana i wszystko masz ogarnięte, jest pomoc od innych i tyle w temacie. A jeżeli masz dziecko spokojne to ciesz się, dziękuj i współczuj tym, które nie mają. Ja przy dwójce małych chłopców jestem w stanie ugotować dwudaniowy obiad, lepiłam już przy nich pierogi, piekłam bułki maślane z malinami, podczas gdy żaden z nich nie spał. Kiedy przychodzą jednak takie dni, że dzieci w żaden  sposób nie chcą współpracować, płaczą, jęczą i chcą na ręce, dzwonię po pizzę i zjadam ją bez wyrzutów sumienia, że nie dość, że sobie z czymś nie radzę, to jeszcze rośnie mi tyłek.

Kiedy zaczynasz myśleć o sobie źle  albo kiedy ktoś zaczyna Ci sugerować, że coś z Tobą nie tak i powinnaś sobie z dzieckiem, dwójką czy też piątką dzieci radzić o wiele lepiej, policz do dziesięciu, uspokój oddech i pacnij mocno w łeb siebie, albo tego kogoś, kto gada takie bzdury. Radzisz sobie najlepiej. Nikt nie ma prawa oceniać Cię  dopóki nie wychowuje Twojego dziecka i to jedna z głównych zasad, jakiej nauczyło mnie macierzyństwo. Zdarzy mi się czasem jeszcze popatrzeć krzywo, skrytykować inną matkę w rozmowie z koleżanką, ale szybko przychodzi refleksja, że w sumie to jakim prawem? Dopóki nie mówimy o sytuacjach patologicznych, to naprawdę nie musisz się martwić  Matka dziecku krzywdy nie zrobi, wie jak je ubrać, jak je nosić i jak je przytulać. To, że ktoś nie ma w domu tak sterylnie czysto jak ty, że któreś dziecko jest lżej ubrane od twojego, albo że mama nie trzaska z nim ośmiogodzinnych spacerów nie znaczy, że jest gorsza od Ciebie. Twój dzień z dzieckiem to zbiór haftowanych złotą nicią, pachnących fiołkami minutek? Ciesz się! Masz lepiej! Nie znaczy to jednak, że jesteś lepsza.

Malo mnie tu ostatnio, bardzo mało. Bez reszty zajmują mnie dzieci, a wieczorem, kiedy zasną, zajmuje mnie spanie. Jeżeli jeszcze tu zaglądasz i masz ochotę bardziej wiedzieć, co u nas, zapraszam na nasz instagram „gooorusy”. Jeździmy trochę ostatnio, chodzimy po górkach, D. bo kochał to od zawsze, a ja, bo mogę się w ten sposób zresetować  oderwać, zregenerować. D. zaczyna też kręcić filmy z tych wypraw, pierwszy już powstał, z wycieczki rok temu, kiedy to ja leżałam z mdłościami ciążowymi w domu, a on zabierał Dawida na cały dzień i pokazywał mu świat. Zapraszam i pozdrawiam 🙂

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  31. L’UFCM a constaté depuis quelques mois l’accroissement des tromperies à la « roqya ». Les témoignages de personnes victimes de ces pratiques se multiplient et présentent les mêmes caractéristiques : « Une personne vous appelle et vous propose une séance de « roqya » gratuite. Cette personne vous propose de rappeler un numéro prétendu gratuit, souvent un numéro commençant par 0 800… » Mais, dans les faits, cette prestation est loin d’être gratuite, puisque la conversation est facturée à vos frais et à votre insu. Au-delà de l’aspect juridique qui est traité à ce jour par le pôle juridique de l’UFCM[1], ce procédé soulève la problématique de sa conformité au Coran et à la Sunna. En effet, la « roqya » peut se définir comme une thérapie qui permet de soigner les actes de sorcellerie, de mauvais œil et également de se protéger contre ces derniers. Par conséquent, est-il possible de la pratiquer par téléphone et quelles sont les exigences édictées par le Coran et la Sunna ? Nous présenterons ainsi successivement les conditions liées au soignant (I), les exigences relatives à l’environnement où est réalisée la « roqya » (II). Nous aborderons ensuite la question de la gratuité de la prestation ou de sa contrepartie financière et enfin les conditions dans laquelle elle est réalisée (III). I- Les conditions liées au soignant Souvent la « roqya » est perçue comme une pratique dispensée par un tiers. Or, il est essentiel de rappeler et de souligner un fait important : la meilleure des « roqya » est celle que nous dispensons nous-mêmes à travers le « dhikr » et la récitation du Coran. Ainsi, pour se prémunir des maux liés au mauvais œil ou à la sorcellerie, il convient régulièrement de lire le Coran et faire des invocations notamment celles du matin et du coucher, de réciter régulièrement la sourate « La vache », de renouveler son intention, de placer la certitude dans son cœur, d’effectuer ses prières etc., et surtout de demander à Allah la meilleure des protections. Toutefois, dans certaines conditions, il est nécessaire de recourir à un soignant. C’est à ce stade qu’il convient d’être vigilant. Il ne suffit pas de se rendre auprès d’une personne qui se présente avec la qualité de cheikh ou d’imam pour accepter de lui confier cette pratique. Comme pour tout procédé et encore plus lorsque cela relève de considérations religieuses, il est important de bien choisir son soignant car ce dernier est tenu de posséder des qualités bien affirmées. La maîtrise du Coran et des traditions prophétiques en la matière est une condition sine qua none, mais insuffisante. La personne doit également avoir des notions de psychologie afin de déterminer la part de sorcellerie et celle de troubles psychologiques fréquents chez les patients. La personne doit posséder une bonne hygiène de vie, notamment spirituelle puisqu’il n’est pas inutile de rappeler que le succès de la « roqya » dépend de Dieu. Ces critères sont difficilement évaluables, surtout par une personne qui est affectée par un mal-être, quelle que soit sa source. C’est pourquoi les proches doivent accompagner la personne dans la recherche d’un soignant qualifié et reconnu comme tel par des référents religieux de la localité (imam, responsables associatifs, etc.). De manière générale, le soignant doit posséder des qualités déterminées que nous pouvons synthétiser de la manière suivante. Il doit : être en capacité de lire le Coran, croire avec certitude au Coran, être empreint de piété, connaître les pièges et les caractéristiques du diable et des djinns, connaître la méthode prophétique de la « roqya », disposer de connaissances de base en psychologie, avoir la conviction que le succès de sa thérapie dépend de Dieu. A l’exception de la première exigence, il semble difficile de vérifier les autres conditions dans le cadre d’un entretien téléphonique avec une personne que nous n’avons jamais rencontrée, même si elle se présente sous le titre de « cheikh » ou d’un imam. Par conséquent, ces conditions soulignent une première limite quant au recours à la « roqya » par téléphone. Par ailleurs, à l’instar de tout médecin, le soignant doit, avant de prodiguer des conseils ou une médication, procéder à une consultation. Ainsi, un environnement adéquat est indispensable pour la réalisation d’une « roqya ». Il est enfin inconcevable qu’un médecin puisse vous affirmer par téléphone connaître votre maladie et attester pouvoir vous guérir. Vous auriez plus que des doutes sur ce prétendu médecin. II- Un environnement propice et la réalisation d’une consultation préalable à la réalisation d’une « roqya » Il est intéressant de noter que, dans son ouvrage « Comment se protéger des djinns & satan », Wahîd ‘Abdussalâm Bâli évoque l’importance du climat pour réaliser une roqya[2]. Ainsi, il expose les points suivants : « 1. Préparer le climat adéquat en faisant par exemple sortir les images et les statues de la pièce où on va soigner le malade, pour permettre aux anges d’y entrer. 2. Débarrasser le sujet de tout ce qu’il peut porter sur lui comme talismans ou amulettes et les brûler. 3. Éteindre tout ce qui peut émettre le son de la musique et des chants. 4. Vider le lieu de tout ce qui comporte une infraction à la shari‘a à savoir, par exemple, la présence d’un homme qui porte de l’or ou une femme qui ne porte pas le voile légal – al-hijab. 5. Donner au malade et à sa famille une leçon de dogme de façon à ce que leurs cœurs ne soient pas attachés à un autre qu’Allah. 6. Leur faire savoir que la façon de soigner est différente de celle des sorciers et des charlatans et que le Coran recèle guérison et miséricorde, comme l’a informé Allah le Puissant et le Majestueux. 7. Diagnostiquer son cas : pour cela poser des questions au malade pour s’assurer de la présence de tous les symptômes (…) ». Or, dans les témoignages communiqués, l’interlocuteur qui se présente comme soignant ne pose aucune question aux personnes. Il débute ainsi la « roqya » directement par une récitation du Coran. En outre, il est intéressant de souligner que dans l’un des témoignages communiqués à l’UFCM, l’interlocuteur demandait à la personne de remplir successivement des verres de lait, d’huile, d’eau etc. et de les poser par la suite sur la table de la salle à manger. Au point que la personne s’est retrouvée avec une multitude de verres posés sur la table. Le comble est que la personne ignorait ce qu’elle devait en faire lorsqu’elle a pris conscience de la tromperie. Nous constatons par conséquent qu’une « roqya » ne peut être réalisée dans un environnement quelconque. En effet, une procédure de diagnostic est essentielle. Nous pouvons à titre d’exemple faire le parallèle avec un rendez-vous chez le médecin ; ce dernier ne peut vous prescrire une ordonnance sans au préalable vous avoir ausculté et interrogé sur les différents symptômes que vous ressentez physiquement. A défaut, au lieu de guérir vous allez aggraver vos maux. Cette attitude vigilante du médecin traitant doit se retrouver lorsque nous envisageons le recours à une « roqya ». Pour illustrer ce propos, nous citerons l’exemple de l’anthropologue, spécialiste de l’islam européen, Farid El Asri, chercheur associé au Centre Jacques Berque, qui nous rapporte une situation alarmante suite à une « roqya » : « Une jeune femme en Belgique (…) est morte suite à une tentative d’exorcisme. Pendant les séances, les fkihs (imams) utilisent normalement de l’eau « coranisée ». Pour cette jeune femme, prétendument stérile, les exorcistes ont carrément plongé son visage dans l’eau et quand elle tentait d’en sortir pour respirer, les guérisseurs estimaient qu’il s’agissait du jinn qui l’habitait et ils replongeaient son visage dans l’eau. Pendant le procès, la famille de la défunte s’est présentée comme musulmane et a accusé ces pratiques d’être extérieures à l’islam quand les guérisseurs estimaient qu’ils avaient simplement fait ce qu’ils pouvaient. Le fait de recourir trop systématiquement au fkih risque également de faire passer une crise d’épilepsie, par exemple, pour une crise de possession. »[3] Nous allons aborder enfin la dernière problématique, celle relative aux honoraires du soignant. III- Les honoraires du soignant Le Prophète, bénédictions et salut sur lui, « a agréé les Compagnons qui ont été payés pour la roqya ». Il est dès lors autorisé de rémunérer un soignant en contrepartie d’une prestation. Toutefois, cette rémunération doit être raisonnable et surtout clairement définie avant le traitement. En outre, nous ne pouvons que souligner et rappeler que, si la roqya est réalisée dans un cadre sérieux, il convient de procéder à toutes les déclarations administratives. Comme pour tout contrat, vous devez exiger un document écrit et le praticien doit préciser quels sont ses engagements exacts afin d’éviter tout litige postérieur. Malheureusement, tous les témoignages transmis à l’UFCM soulignent que l’interlocuteur insiste à plusieurs reprises sur la gratuité de la prestation. Or, dans les faits, cette dernière est payante puisque le coût de la communication est surtaxé. Ainsi, l’une des victimes qui nous a contacté, s’est retrouvée avec une facture téléphonique (hors forfait) de 1800 euros. Par conséquent, nous constatons que ces « roqyas » gratuites sont fondées sur la technique dite du « call-back » qui consiste à amener une personne à rappeler un numéro surtaxé, information qui lui est bien évidemment dissimulée. Une « roqya » peut être payante à condition de respecter un cadre prédéterminé, fondé sur l’information et la transparence des honoraires. En conclusion A la lumière des développements susvisés, l’UFCM appelle d’une part à une régulation du métier de la pratique de la « roqya », d’autre part, à la vigilance de chacun à ne pas céder à la tentation d’une « roqya » qui ne serait pas réalisée dans les conditions requises et qui pourrait produire des effets inverses. Au-delà du cadre spirituel ou juridique, les divers témoignages reçus et étudiés par l’UFCM ne peuvent pas nous laisser indifférents à la question suivante : pourquoi des personnes sont-elles amenées à accepter aussi facilement une « roqya » par téléphone ? Est-ce la gratuité qui a déterminé leur choix ? Certes le mal-être produit par cette société est de plus en plus grand. Nous vivons une époque où les êtres sont de plus en plus coupés des signes de Dieu et vivent un rythme de vie effréné. Ces affaires sont révélatrices des maux les plus profonds qui touchent la communauté musulmane. 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