Jest inaczej

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Jesteśmy. Od siedmiu tygodni jesteśmy już razem, we czwórkę. Ja, D. i dwa synusie. Jak jest? Inaczej. Macierzyństwo przy drugim dziecku jest inne i ktoś, kto mówi, że nic go nie zaskoczyło, po prostu kłamie. Wraz z nadejściem Kuby nastała nowa era, inna. Uczymy się siebie. Raz idzie nam lepiej, a raz gorzej, ale z każdym dniem do przodu. Po tych siedmiu tygodniach jedyne co potrafię stwierdzić na pewno, to że jest…inaczej.

Pierwsze „inaczej” dopadło mnie już w szpitalu, zaraz po porodzie. Dotarło ono do mnie w momencie, kiedy D. pierwszy raz wziął Kubę na ręce. Pewnym ruchem podniósł go, położył sobie na przedramionach, popatrzył mu głęboko w oczy i powiedział : „Cześć cżłowieczku, nie wiesz co się dzieje, co?”. Był taki pewny siebie, taki dumny i szczęśliwy. Przypomniało mi się , jak to wyglądało w przypadku Dawida. Pamiętam, jak zaproponowałam wtedy D., żeby wziął syna na ręce. Kiedy ten próbował go podnieść, okazało się, że mały policzkiem przykleił mi się do klatki piersiowej, więc spanikowani stwierdziliśmy, że poprosimy kogoś z personelu, żeby go podniósł, żeby nie oderwać mu skóry z twarzy i nie, nie żartuję, true story. Kiedy już pielęgniarka podała dziecko ojcu, trzymał go całe 3 minuty, w bezruchu, żeby przypadkiem go nie wystraszyć, po czym szybko oddał mi dziecko, a głośny oddech ulgi było słychać prawdopodobnie trzy miasta dalej. Tak, pierwszy kontakt D. z synami różnił się bardzo. Przy drugim dziecku było o wiele bardziej świadomie. Inaczej.

Ogólnie jednym dużym „inaczejem” był mój pobyt na oddziale. Przede wszystkim inaczej leżało się w szpitalu, kiedy serce już chciało do Dawida. Z drugiej strony wiedziałam, że ten pobyt na oddziale to jedyny czas, kiedy Kuba będzie miał mnie na wyłączność, kiedy będziemy mogli sobie posiedzieć razem w ciszy. To też było ważne. Jak widzicie pod tym względem rozdarcie totalne, a jak dołożysz do tego jeszcze hormony, to szloch matki gwarantowany.

Również inne sprawy podczas pobytu w szpitalu były inne niż przy Dawidzie. Już nie pytałam z przerażeniem położnej, czy dobrze trzymam dziecko przy przebieraniu, nie martwiłam się, czy dobrze go układam w beciku. Poranne obchody lekarzy również były mniej stresujące, bo już wiedziałam, czego się spodziewać, co mogą mówić lekarze i na co będą zwracać uwagę. Okazało się, że ze mnie to taka matka początkowo bezmleczna bez względu na sposób wydania dzieciorków na świat.  Spodziewałam się po porodzie naturalnym rzeki mleka już od początku, a tu tak jak przy cesarce, pierwsze parę dni sucho w cyckach, a dziecko płacze. Sytuacja niby ta sama, ale inne już było moje podejście. Po drugiej dobie, kiedy to przy każdym ważeniu małego słyszałam, że jak spadnie z wagi i zżółknie, to zostajemy w szpitalu, już nie chciało mi się płakać. Telefon do pielęgniarek, poproszę mleko dla syna, dokarmiłam, dziecko przestało płakać, nie zżółkło, nie spadło z wagi poniżej normy, poszliśmy do domu, laktacja ruszyła – bez stresu. Ja wiem, że każdy doradca laktacyjny złapie się w tym momencie za głowę, co ja za głupoty opowiadam. Że jak mleko modyfikowane? Że tylko przystawiać i przystawiać, że dziecko w pierwszych dniach nie potrzebuje dużo i że jak podam butelkę, to dziecko nie będzie ssało, bo już nie będzie głodne i laktacja nie ruszy tak jak trzeba itd. Już to wszystko słyszałam, po pierwszym porodzie, kiedy to zamiast mleka do piersi, jedyne co mi napływało to łzy do oczu.  Piersi były tak pogryzione i pokrwawione, że od spinania mięśni na samą myśl o dostawieniu dziecka miałam zakwasy, naprawdę. Mały z głodu był już tak zły, że za nic nie chciał dobrze piersi złapać, krzyczał, robił się czerwony, zanosił się od płaczu, koszmar. Ale nieeeeeee, nie podawaj modyfikowanego! Jakby to był jakiś kwas co najmniej w tych butelkach. Nie zrozumcie mnie źle. Personel w szpitalu, w którym rodziłam jest naprawdę cudowny, jest tam bardzo dobry certyfikowany doradca laktacyjny i nikt tam nad nikim się nie znęca, jednak przy Dawidzie karmienie stresowało mnie bardzo. Tym razem nie dałam się tak zrobić, już po prostu znam swoje ciało, wiem, czego mogę się po nim spodziewać. Wiedziałam, że mleko będzie i że będę karmić piersią, tylko potrzebuję na to czasu. Już się nie bałam, że coś robię źle, nie miałam wyrzutów sumienia ani wątpliwości. Inaczej.

Strach. Strach się pojawił, ale również inny, bo o co innego. To wszystko, czego dowiedziałam się o macierzyństwie podczas tych dwóch lat z Dawidem było bardzo przydatne, ale za cholerę nie mogłam sobie wyobrazić, jak to będzie wyglądać teraz, kiedy jest ich dwójka. Inny ten strach, bo nie bałam się już, czy dam radę zaopiekować się dzieckiem, tylko bałam się, że nie zdołam odpowiedniej ilości czasu poświęcić każdemu z nich. Bałam się, że zawsze jeden będzie stratny kosztem drugiego, że nie będę potrafiła zorganizować wszystkiego tak, by każdy z nich jak najmniej odczuł zamieszanie, które właśnie miało zagościć w naszym życiu. Bałam się też, że nie będę potrafiła pokochać ich tam samo, że będę za bardzo porównywać. Dużo tych obaw się potwierdziło, dużo okazało się niepotrzebnych. Minęło siedem tygodni a ja nadal mam takie lęki, na szczęście coraz rzadziej. Bałam się również, że Dawid mnie odrzuci, że będzie bardzo przeżywał pojawienie się brata, że będę musiała patrzeć, jak to przeżywa i nie będę potrafiła mu tego wytłumaczyć. Przy pierwszym dziecku martwisz się o zupełnie inne sprawy.

Kolejne „inaczeje” posypały się później już jak z rękawa. Powrót do domu, kiedy czeka w nim twoje starsze dziecko i musisz zrobić tak, żeby od początku nie przestraszyć go nowo nabytym (zupełnie bez jego zgody) rodzeństwem  – inny. Pierwsza kąpiel noworodka, kiedy masz już mniej stresu, bo wiesz, że jest znikome prawdopodobieństwo, że go utopisz – inne. Podejście do bodźcowania noworodka i dbanie o ciszę w domu, kiedy biega po nim dwulatek, chcący zwrócić na siebie uwagę – inne.  Pierwszy raz, kiedy ojciec rodziny idzie do pracy i zostajesz sama nie z jednym, a z dwójką – inny x 100. Pierwszy spacer z maluchem, kiedy już nie sprawia ci trudności, jak ubrać małego, tylko jak zsynchronizować to z ubraniem starszego, żeby żaden się nie ugotował – inny. Spacer z młodszym w wózku, próbując dogonić biegającego starszego – inny.

Z jednej strony jest inaczej, bo ciężej, bo teraz trzeba się dwoić i troić, żeby ogarnąć oba egzemplarze, z drugiej strony jest inaczej bo już wiesz, w jaki sposób wiele rzeczy robić. Do tych wszystkich więc, którzy się zastanawiają, jak to się dzieje, że przy jednym dziecku matki są zmęczone? Dokładnie tak. Gdybym tę samą wiedzę i doświadczenie miała, kiedy urodził się Dawid, byłoby łatwiej. Wtedy stresowały mnie rzeczy, które teraz są po prostu normalne. Dawid kichnął – o Boże, do lekarza! Dawid zrobił nie taką kupę jak zwykle – telefon do przyjaciółki i olaboga! Dawid przybiera na wadze inaczej niż inne dzieci – Cholera, źle go karmię! Teraz, z Kubą to zupełnie inna bajka. Doświadczenia przeprowadzane przez ostatnie dwa lata przez obojga rodziców na starszym bracie sprawiły, że młodszy ma o wiele łatwiej.

Wiecie, co jeszcze jest inne, kiedy rodzi Ci się drugie dziecko? Miłość. Jest inna. Bardziej świadoma, dojrzała. Już wiesz, o co chodzi, już wiesz, co Cię czeka. Kiedy dostałam Kubę na ręce, oprócz tego, że nie bałam się już, że zrobię mu krzywdę, wiedziałam już też, jak go kochać. Z Dawidem, mimo że pokochałam od razu, nie było to tak spokojne, tak silne. Musiałam się przyzwyczaić do tego, że teraz jestem mamą, zrozumieć, jak to jest. Kuba wszedł na przygotowany grunt. Wiedziałam już, jak mocno można kochać, nie bałam się, że pokocham za mało, że niewłaściwie, że mu nie wystarczę. Wiedziałam, że potrafię być dla niego najlepszą mamą, i że będę. To nie była podróż w nieznane. Dla mnie to raczej wyprawa w miejsce, w którym czuję się najlepiej na świecie (chociaż nie wyglądam z tymi workami pod oczami z niewyspania 🙂 )

Tak, macierzyństwo przy kolejnym dziecku jest inne. My z D. jesteśmy zachwyceni, nie spodziewaliśmy się, że może być tak pięknie. Bywają chwile, że chcę schować się przed synami w szafie i udawać, że mnie nie ma. Słaby to pomysł, Dawid od razu by mnie znalazł, uznał by to za super zabawę i kazał wchodzić do tej szafy 136 razy dziennie. Z dnia na dzień jest coraz lepiej i chociaż wiem, że jeszcze nie jeden kryzys przede mną i tysiąc rzeczy mnie jeszcze zaskoczy, staram się, by te codzienne problemy i zmęczenie nie przysłoniły mi tego, co teraz powinno być najważniejsze. Szczęścia. Szczęścia, bo mam dwóch wspaniałych synów. Kocham nad życie. Widzę jak rosną i jak to wszystko szybko się dzieje  i mam wrażenie, że teraz, przy Kubie, dzieje się jeszcze szybciej. Długa droga przed nami, a na niej kolejne wyzwania. Czekam na nie. Bardzo. Niech się dzieje nasze „inaczej”, bo dobrze nam jest, naprawdę.

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