W oczekiwaniu

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Ciąża zleciała niepostrzeżenie. Dwie kreski na teście, 3 miesiące mdłości, nagle pojawił się brzuch, dziecko od 15 tygodnia przypomina mi ruchami, że jest i nie należy do spokojnych i nagle mamy 37 tydzień. Szalejący Dawid, który z dnia na dzień rozwija się tak pięknie, a ja mam takie wyrzuty sumienia, że za nim nie nadążam. Zadyszka, taka, że sapię już przy samym myśleniu o tym, że mam wstać i ból wszystkiego co znajduje się między pępkiem i kolanami. Szybko zleciała ta ciąża, szybko, ale jak tak czytam to, co przed sekundą napisałam, to też ciężko zleciała. Czy teraz, pod koniec, kiedy już wiem, jak było, zdecydowałabym się na ciążę w tak krótkim odstępie czasu od drugiej? Po stokroć TAK! Bo mam w brzuchu kolejny mały cud, który jest warty każdego wysiłku, choćbym czasem miała dosyć.

Widzę dużą różnicę między ciążą z Dawidem, a tą obecną. Wszystko jest inne. Objawy były inne, samopoczucie inne, inaczej czuję ruchy, inaczej do wszystkiego podchodzę. Mimo, że w samej ciąży czułam się pewniej, bo już wiedziałam, co niektóre objawy mogą znaczyć i że nie wszystkiego należy się bać, to teraz, pod koniec ciąży, lęków mam o wiele więcej. Nie myślę tylko o porodzie, o tym, czy dam radę, czy z Kubą będzie wszystko dobrze. Martwię się, jak zareaguje Dawid na to, że nagle zniknę z domu, pierwszy raz. Martwię się, czy będę potrafiła dać mu tyle uwagi, żeby nie czuł się odrzucony, kiedy już wrócę do domu z jego młodszym bratem. Martwię się, żeby powrót do nieprzespanych nocy i dwójka tak małych dzieci w domu nie sprawiły, że przestanę się cieszyć macierzyństwem, które tak kocham. Cały wachlarz zmartwień, do wyboru, do koloru.

Boję się porodu. Wiem, z czym się wiąże cesarskie cięcie, to już przerabiałam. Teraz mam zielone światło na poród naturalny i będę próbowała. Nie wszyscy to rozumieją, niektórzy się dziwią, ale ja nie chcę drugiej operacji. Chciałabym móc szybciej dojść do siebie, żeby po powrocie do domu ze szpitala, szybkim powrocie mam nadzieję, nie musieć mówić starszemu dziecku, że nie mogę go podnieść. Chcę móc się zając moją dwójką. Trzymajcie proszę kciuki.

Mało pisałam na blogu w tej ciąży. W poprzedniej mam opisane każde bulgotnięcie w brzuchu, tu już słabiej. To nie brak tematów, czy pomysłów – tych akurat jest cała masa. To zmęczenie. Drugi trymestr był jeszcze jako taki, ale mniej więcej od 30 tygodnia, po całym dniu, kiedy tylko mały zaśnie, myślę jedynie o tym, żeby się położyć, żeby odpocząć na tyle, żeby brzuch przestał się stawiać. Drugi syn uaktywnia się około 22:00. Przez średnio godzinę daje taki popis umiejętności, że nie daję rady zasnąć. Cieszę się tą godziną ruchów, bo szczerze powiedziawszy, w ciągu dnia nie mam za wiele czasu, by się na tym skupić. Ta 22:00 to taka nasza godzina, kiedy starszy brat już dawno śpi i nie ma zagrożenia, że zacznie dość inwazyjnie interesować się ruszającym się brzuchem. Zaniedbałam więc bloga, choć nadal bardzo lubię go pisać.

Ostatni rzut przemyśleń – na podsumowanie ciąży. Jestem szczęściarą. Czekam na moje drugie szczęśliwe zakończenie, liczę na nie i wierzę, że wszystko będzie dobrze. Starszy synek jest cudowny, nie zmieniłabym w nim nic, nawet jeżeli czasem mam ochotę schować się przed nim w szafie i udawać, że mnie nie ma (ciężko też by było zamknąć tę szafę z moim wielkim brzuchem w środku, więc plan raczej słaby). Czekam na Kubę i chociaż nadal nie należę do tych kobiet, które ciążę przechodzą jak rusałki pływające na chmurce (to nie złośliwe, zazdroszczę Wam, naprawdę, chciałabym tak jak Wy), to cieszę się nią, bo pewnie nie raz jeszcze rozczuli mnie widok ciążowego brzucha. Zawodna ta nasza pamięć, prawda? Teraz jestem na etapie „Już nie pamiętam, kiedy poruszyłam się i coś mnie nie zabolało”, a za parę miesięcy „Już nie pamiętam, że mnie coś bolało”. Z przemyśleń bardziej przyziemnych – chciałbym urodzić już w styczniu, żeby mały był z początku roku, a nie z końca, więc od Świąt do Sylwestra, kiedy to będę miała więcej rąk do pomocy, mam zamiar leżeć i pachnieć, by nie prowokować synka do wcześniejszego wyjścia. Termin na siódmego stycznia, więc trzymajcie kciuki 🙂

PS: Platforma blog.pl pod koniec stycznia zostanie zamknięta i wszystkie treści bloga utracone. Przeniosę blog w inne miejsce w sieci i dam odpowiednio wcześniej znać, mam nadzieję, że zaglądniecie czasem też w nowe miejsce. Wszystkie wpisy i komentarze zostaną tam przeniesione. To nie to, że mam w związku z tym blogiem jakieś wielkie plany jako blogerka, nie nie. Po prostu od kiedy zaczęłam go pisać, od momentu, kiedy po stracie ciąży zawalił mi się świat, ten blog stał się dla mnie ważnym miejscem. Pomógł mi i nie chcę go stracić. Chcę, żeby tamte wpisy zostały w sieci, bo nadal trafia tu tak dużo kobiet, które przeżyły to, co ja, albo i coś o wiele gorszego, lub wiele więcej razy i nadal otrzymuję wiadomości, że te stare wpisy, te od których wszystko się zaczęło, im pomagają. A Dawid daje nadzieję, że poronienie to nie jest koniec, że po takich przeżyciach można szczęśliwie urodzić i cieszyć się macierzyństwem. Niech więc będzie ten blog w Internecie, niech pomaga, jeżeli może.

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  95. Wpadam zobaczyć co słychać i czy to już w tu proszę, termin na dzisiaj 🙂 Mam nadzieję że Kuba już na tym swiecie. Pozdrowienia!

  96. Aniu, 7 stycznia 2016 r. urodziłam córeczkę silami natury po cesarskim cięciu. Tobie też się uda i też ta data będzie dla Ciebie szczęśliwa! Trzymam kciuki

  97. Podczytuję Cię od początku założenia bloga.. nierzadko z nutką zazdrości za podjęte przez Ciebie decyzje 😉 z ciekawością sprawdzam co u Was..liczę że i przy dwójce maluchów uda Ci się coś czasem napisać! Wszystkiego dobrego! 🙂

    • Dzięki 🙂 Paradoksalnie przy dwójce mogę mieć więcej okazji do napisania niż z jednym biegającym po domu a drugim w brzuchu. Teraz 38 tydzień i ledwie chodzę, z myśleniem też nie najlepiej 😉 na szczęście Dawid ma tatę, który wszystko pięknie ogarnia i właśnie ja już leżę w łóżku a on go kąpie i będzie usypiał, takie mam fory 😉

  98. Cieszę się, że dotrwaliście do tego momentu 🙂 My mamy ciążową „3” z przodu więc bliżej niż dalej do końca. Życzymy Wam wszystkiego co najlepsze, miłości i pełno uśmiechu 🙂 Wesołych Świąt 🙂

    • Cały czas trzymamy za Was kciuki mocno mocno!! My już ostatnia prosta, a raczej krzywa, bo Dawidowi idzie dolna trójka i jest żal i ból i tragedia. Jeszcze tylko jutro jestem z nim sama cały dzień, później już do końca roku mam pomoc, więc jak jeszcze jutro uda mi się nie urodzić z tego biegania i podnoszenia małego, to już chyba Kuba wytrzyma w brzuchu do Nowego Roku!
      Wesołych Świąt dla Was – wszystkiego dobrego, całujemy :*

  99. Aniu, mocno trzymam za Was kciuki na tej ostatniej prostej:)))) Twoja historia dodaje nadziei i bardzo mi pomogła gdy trafiłam tu w marcu po tym jak
    moja ciąża obumarła. Obecnie jestem w 23 tygodniu i czekamy na Małą Księżniczkę:) teraz chętnie czytam Twoje wpisy z okresu ciąży, zwłaszcza że termin mam podobny do Twojego z Dawidem (22.04.), tak więc nawet czasowo mi odpowiadają;) trzymajcie się ciepło i Wesołych Świąt!

    • Dziękuję 🙂 Tak się cieszę, kiedy dostaję takie wiadomości <3 23 tydzień, połowa za Wami 🙂 fajne będą Święta z brzuchem. Jak byłam w ciąży z Dawidem, to hormony zrobiły ze mnie taką płaczkę, że wzruszał mnie każdy pastuszek i aniołek w oknie 😉 Teraz też łatwo się wzruszam, więc pewnie w Święta rozbeczę się 100 razy, bo jakoś tak świadomość, że zaraz będzie z nami nasz kolejny cud mnie płaczliwie nastraja. Wszystkiego dobrego życzę 🙂
      PS: kwiecień to super miesiąc na urodzenie dziecka, wiosna, zaraz można wyjść na spacer, wszystko się budzi do życia, super 🙂 Trzymam kciuki!

      • Ja płaczę słuchając kolęd:) No i na myśl że za rok już będzie Mały Pędzel ściągać bąbki z choinki też się wzruszam. Też się cieszę na poród wiosną – to taki dobry moment na rozpoczęcie nowego etapu:) Codziennie dziękuję Bogu za kolejny dzień i proszę o dalszą opiekę. Pierwszy trymestr to był prawdziwy koszmar męk psychicznych, ale odkąd czuję ruchy jestem spokojniejsza i z każdym tygodniem coraz bardziej wierzę że możliwe jest dla mnie szczęśliwe zakończenie. Będę dalej śledzić co tam u Was i życzę oczywiście szczęśliwego rozwiązania:))))

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