Jak to jest być w ciąży przy małym dziecku – z cyklu Anna o(d)powiada

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Mówi się, że w pierwszej ciąży kobieta zna dokładny tydzień, w którym dziecku rosną paznokcie. W kolejnych dobrze jest, jak pamięta, w którym jest tygodniu. I coś w tym jest. Kiedy na początku maja dowiedziałam się, że jestem w ciąży, wiedziałam, że tym razem będzie zupełnie inaczej niż w ciąży z Dawidem. Zresztą, długo nie musiałam się nad tym zastanawiać, bo już od pierwszych dni zupełnie inaczej się czułam. To, jak będzie wyglądać ciąża, kiedy po domu biega półtoraroczniak czerpiący energię z kosmosu, przeszło jednak moje najśmielsze oczekiwania…i obawy. Chcecie wiedzieć, jak będę tę ciążę wspominać? To siadajcie wygodnie, zaczynamy przejażdżkę po moich ostatnich 30 tygodniach.

W ciąży z Dawidem na L4 byłam od 10 tygodnia, w obecnej nawet nie pojawiłam się w pracy, bo nie zdążyłam jeszcze do niej wrócić z urlopu macierzyńskiego, więc na L4 byłam praktycznie od początku. Zwłaszcza, że plamiłam, więc nie było mowy o powrocie. Kiedy na teście pojawiły się dwie kreski, cieszyłam się tak bardzo, że na chwilę nawet udało mi się zapomnieć, jak bardzo się boję. Czy strach o to dziecko był mniejszy niż ten, który czułam, kiedy nie było jeszcze Dawida? Ani o szczyptę. Bałam się tak samo, zależało mi na tej ciąży identycznie i to, że w domu miałam już dziecko, w którym mogłam ulokować te uczucia, z którymi nie wiedziałam co zrobić po poronieniu pierwszej ciąży, nic tu nie zmieniło. Fakt faktem, posiadanie dziecka, zwłaszcza tak małego, zmienia jedno – nie masz za dużo czasu by o tych swoich lękach rozmyślać. Dni płyną jak szalone i nie wiesz kiedy, a tu nagle idziesz na badania prenatalne i lekarz uspokaja Cię, że jest dobrze. I czujesz ulgę i wdzięczność. Co więcej, zanim się obejrzysz jesteś w 30 tygodniu, tak jak ja teraz i zastanawiasz się, kiedy to do cholery minęło?

Pierwszy trymestr przywitał mnie ze wszystkimi swoimi cudownościami. Mdłości, całodniowe, czasem nocne, połączone z zawrotami głowy są super, naprawdę, polecam każdemu. Kiedy przy tym mogłabyś zasnąć w każdej możliwej pozycji, czasie i miejscu, a kompletnie nie masz takiej możliwości, jest już całkiem cudownie. Pierwsze 14 tygodni wyglądało mniej więcej tak, że modliłam się, żeby Dawid jak najdłużej spał w dzień i chciał jeść jak najmniej rzeczy, od których mnie odrzuca, co w jego menu pozostawiało jedynie warzywa na parze i (o dziwo) ryby. Tłumaczyłam mu: „Dawidku, mamusia jest w ciąży, czuje się źle, proszę Cię, poczytajmy razem książkę, szum traw popodziwiajmy, poleżmy sobie spokojnie, bo przecież nikt nam wstawać nie każe”. Nie słuchał, nie rozumiał, biegać chciał, nic nie poradzisz. Teraz, kiedy to wspominam, myślę, że nie było tak źle…ale to chyba tak jest, że o takich rzeczach się zapomina, bo po co to trzymać w głowie? Do przeżycia, wszystko jest do przeżycia. Po drodze jeszcze była jelitówka i trzy kryzysy, kiedy czułam się tak fatalnie, że zdarzało mi się popłakać, lub w złości stwierdzić, że ta ciąża to był zły pomysł, że  nie podołam, że za wcześnie, że ze szkodą dla Dawida, bo nie jestem w stanie się nim zająć tak, jakbym chciała. Takie myśli przychodziły i odchodziły a ja, kiedy sytuacja się uspokajała bałam się, żebym nigdy nie musiała żałować tych słów. Myślę jednak, że to ludzkie, że nikt nie jest robotem i udawanie, że jest super wtedy, kiedy nie jest, nikomu jeszcze dobrze nie zrobiło. Koniec końców zawsze jednak przychodziła myśl, że to wszystko jest po coś i naprawdę, ciąża to nie stan permanentny, wiecznie się tak źle czuć nie będę, przecież to minie. Wolę pocierpieć w ten sposób, niż przeżywać to, czego doświadczyłam tracąc pierwsze dziecko, lub to, co przeżywają pary, które tak bardzo chcą mieć dzieci, a nie mogą. Tak, pierwszy trymestr nie był dla mnie łaskawy pod względem fizycznym. Był też bardzo obciążający psychicznie, ze względu na pierwszą ciążę. Dni leciały szybko, ale w mękach. Co zadziwiło mnie jednak najbardziej, to nie to, że nie dobrze, że śpiąco albo coś boli, bo to może się zdarzyć w każdej ciąży i nie ma się chyba co za bardzo nad tym zastanawiać. Mnie zadziwiało to, że o fakcie bycia w ciąży można najzwyczajniej w świecie zapominać.

Autentycznie, przysięgam, nie zliczę ile razy rano pomyślałam „co mnie tak mdli?” Myśl ta trwała dosłownie chwilę, a nie że po godzinie odkrywczo pukałam się w głowę: „No tak, w ciąży jestem przecież!”. Nagle się okazuje, że nie pamiętasz już tak bardzo o tym, żeby o odpowiedniej godzinie zjeść odpowiedni posiłek, albo że tego czy tamtego robić ci już nie wolno. Na szczęście o nakarmieniu dziecka nie zapomniałam ani razu. Dni mijały tak intensywnie, że często dopiero wieczorem miałam czas o ciąży pomyśleć i najczęściej wtedy dopadały mnie wyrzuty sumienia. Bo Dawid taki wygłaskany w brzuchu od początku, a drugi skarb tak sobie rósł w ciszy i na uwagę matki udawało mu się załapać dopiero wtedy, kiedy wszyscy w domu już spali. Nawet jak już brzuch się pojawił, to aż tak się o nim nie pamiętało. Ostatnio nawet wróciłam do wpisów z bloga z poprzedniej ciąży i Dawid ma tu cały pamiętnik tego, jak rósł, co robił, jak się czułam, co myślałam. Kuba (właśnie, wspominałam już, że to Kuba?) będzie musiał bazować na tym, co mi zostanie w głowie, bo na pisanie nie mam już po prostu czasu, a niekiedy czas jest, ale siły już nie.

Druga sprawa, to że obecna ciąża mija mi pod hasłem „NIE DŹWIGAJ!”, „NIE RÓB TEGO”, albo „NIE PODNOŚ”. Zazwyczaj krzyczącym chodzi tu o Dawida, bo niby co ja innego tak dźwigam, albo przy kim innym mogę robić coś, co wygląda dziwnie, kiedy z przodu sterczy mi już pokaźnych rozmiarów brzuch ciążowy? I teraz pomyślmy sobie, jakim sposobem, kiedy jestem sama z dzieckiem w domu, a tak jest przez przeważającą część czasu, mam niby pewnych rzeczy nie robić? Najbardziej chyba rozchodzi się o to słynne podnoszenie dziecka. Pytałam o to lekarza, odpowiedź brzmiała „Wszystko z głową” i o ile nie ma przeciwwskazań ani powikłań i nie odczuwam przy podnoszeniu dyskomfortu, nie ma powodu, by kazać mu samemu wchodzić na huśtawkę, do której ledwo dosięga czołem. Inaczej sprawa wygląda zapewne przy większych dzieciach, ale niestety, nie wytłumaczę osiemnastomiesięcznemu chłopcu, że nie wezmę go na ręce, kiedy płacze, kiedy mu źle, kiedy tego potrzebuje. Najłatwiej było w drugim trymestrze, kiedy czułam się naprawdę super i przeniesienie go kawałek naprawdę nie sprawiało mi kłopotu. Od dwóch tygodni czuję, że już nie koniecznie, że ciało gorzej reaguje i jest już po prostu ciężko, kombinuję więc i podnoszę już tylko w wyjątkowych sytuacjach. Myślę, że te 10 tygodni, które nam zostały, będą pod tym względem najgorsze, ale coś wymyślę. Nic ze szkodą dla ciąży, ale też ni mogę nagle się rozłożyć i stwierdzić „Nie, teraz mi nie wolno, sorry, na czas ciąży Dawid musi się zahibernować”. Podjęłam świadomą decyzję o ciąży i robię wszystko, żeby żadne dziecko na tej decyzji nie cierpiało. Nie przeciążam się, ale na specjalne oszczędzanie się też nie mam szans. Jestem chyba jedyną osobą w Polsce, która cieszy się, że zbliża się zimno i plucha, bo opiekowanie się Dawidem i nie podnoszenie go jest o wiele łatwiejsze w domu. Na placu zabaw, w parku, w piaskownicy, czy nad wodą, byłoby po prostu ciężej tego uniknąć. W domu siadam i mam go w zasięgu wzroku lub słuchu, daleko nie ucieknie, na szczęście do klamki jeszcze nie dosięga, drzwi wyjściowych nie otworzy, jest luz. Dzięki Ci więc Boże, że termin na styczeń i aktywność wyjściowa jest o wiele w tym okresie mniejsza.

Jest jeszcze jedna rzecz, o której naprawdę warto napisać. Zadziwiające, jak ta sama kobieta może różnie czuć się w ciąży i jak różnie może ją przeżywać. Tu już nie chodzi o to, że Dawid na to przeżywanie nie daje za bardzo okazji, ale o to, że ta ciąża różni się dosłownie wszystkim. Inne rzeczy jem, inaczej przybieram na wadze (przy bieganiu za małym ciężko przytyć), mam zupełnie inny nastrój, inne myśli, a co najbardziej zapamiętam, zupełnie inaczej czuję ruchy. U mnie różnica wynika pewnie z ułożenia dziecka i łożyska. Dawid, nie dość, że od początku wypiął się tyłkiem na świat i w takim ułożeniu już pozostał, to łożysko było na przedniej ścianie. Ruchy odczuwałam więc bardziej od środka, nie było tak widać fal na brzuchu i tego, co on tam wyprawia. Kuba leży głową w dół, łożysko jest na tylnej ścianie. Sama jestem w szoku, jak bardzo dziecko może się ruszać. Fale na brzuchu są tak widoczne, że Steve Wodner by je zauważył, przysięgam. Mały reaguje na inne rzecz, jest aktywny w innych porach, już teraz widzę między chłopcami różnicę. Z Dawidem mogłam jeść dosłownie wszystko, teraz mam prawdziwe zachcianki ciążowe i jak widać nie ma to nic wspólnego z tym, że przy chłopcu inaczej niż przy dziewczynce, bo jeżeli Kuba jest dziewczynką, to z gigantycznymi jajkami i ptaszkiem. Dawid uspokajał się, gdy tylko ktoś dotknął brzucha. D. bardzo długo czekał na pierwsze odczuwalne kopnięcie. Obecnie koczujący w brzuchu jegomość to prawdziwy akrobata i popisywacz, kopie wszystkich i na zawołanie. Boże, może to moje dziecko takie biedne, niedogłaskane, że cieszy się nawet, jak ktoś przypadkiem otrze mi się o brzuch w kolejce po mięso. Mój Kubutek, mama już przecież głaszcze co chwilę <3 Inaczej działają też hormony – przy Dawidzie byłam bardziej płaczliwa i wzruszało mnie dosłownie wszystko. Pamiętam, jak jechaliśmy z D. na Wigilię do mojej mamy i w radiu leciała audycja o facecie, który każdego roku w wigilię przebiera się z anioła i krąży w okolicach Betlejem obwieszczając turystom o narodzeniu Boga. Płakałam chyba całą drogę  „JAKIE TO PIĘKNE, ŻE ON TAK ROBI BUUUUUUUU”, Teraz jakoś bardziej się chyba złoszczę, niż wzruszam, mam mniej cierpliwości, łatwiej wyprowadzić mnie z równowagi. Wzruszyłam się parę razy, ale tak absurdalnie to chyba raz, kiedy oglądając filmik na Youtube, gdzie namalowane dziecko w  brzuchu mamy przeprasza ją, że przez ciążę źle się czuje i obiecuje uściskać ją jak już się urodzi. Przez ten filmik popłakałam się dwa razy, pierwszy, jak go oglądałam, drugi, jak opowiadałam o nim siostrze. Inne samopoczucie, inne  objawy, inne emocje, cała ciąża inna i to już pomijając fakt, że w poprzedniej po prostu sytuacja się różniła.

Czy ciąża, kiedy jesteś mamą małego dziecka to dobry pomysł? Ja uważam, że tak, mimo że bywa ciężko. Kiedy byłam w 22 tygodniu i Dawid przeszedł bostonkę, pediatra w przychodni powiedziała mi, że to ryzyko być w ciąży przy małym dziecku, bo można od niego złapać wirusa, który zagrozi dziecku w brzuchu. Oczywiście, że może się tak stać, ale myśląc w ten sposób, wszyscy bylibyśmy jedynakami. Dopadają mnie kryzysy, wątpliwości  i strach, jak ja to wszystko ogarnę. Myślę o tym, jak na rodzeństwo zareaguje Dawid, czy będzie zazdrosny, czy starczy mi siły, żeby dać mu z siebie tyle, ile będzie potrzebował? Czy młodszemu będę w stanie dać tyle miłości i uwagi, ile byłam w stanie dać starszemu? Na pewno nie, ale przecież to wszystko się okaże, nie ma co planować i zakładać, że będzie tak, czy siak. Będzie jak będzie, to zależy od wielu czynników, a ja jako mama zrobię wszystko, co w mojej mocy, żeby było dobrze. Cieszę się ciążą, głaskam się po falującym brzuchu, o którym nie da się już zapomnieć, bo jest po prostu wieeeeeelki, przeżywam ponownie emocje, które przeżywałam 2 lata temu i cieszę się nimi, bo w ciąży jestem prawdopodobnie ostatni raz. Ciąża, mimo że nie czuję się w niej dobrze, ma w sobie jakiś czar i wiem, że mimo tych wszystkich dolegliwości, które czasem sprawiają, że mam już dość, będę za nią tęsknić. Zostało nam 10 tygodni, czekamy cierpliwie, kochamy. Dwóch synusiów, dwie miłości, coś pięknego. Polecam wszystkim!

P.S. Kiedy w ciąży z Dawidem przeczytałam tekst na pewnym blogu, który miał uświadomić pierworódkom, że życia nie znają i pierwsza ciąża, bez względu na to, jak się czujesz, to jest po prostu pikuś, bo gorzej jest dopiero, kiedy masz już dziecko lub dzieci, trafił mnie szlag. Zastanawiałam się, czy zmienię zdanie, kiedy znowu zajdę w ciążę i wiecie co? Jest inaczej, czasem jest ciężej, ale czasem łatwiej. Już wiesz, czego się spodziewać, już panika jakby mniejsza, już wiesz, co poszczególne objawy oznaczają. Jesteś w ciąży i nie masz dziecka, z którym musisz biegać, robić mu obiadu albo wozić go do szkoły? Korzystaj, bo to wyjątkowa ciąża i już nigdy taki stan się nie powtórzy, ale nie słuchaj, kiedy ktoś Ci mówi, że gówno wiesz o życiu, bo ty pierworódka niedoświadczona, bo nieświadoma. To nie jest prawda i nie daj sobie tak mówić. Naprawdę, mimo, że faktycznie przy małym dziecku z brzuchem to jest czasem jazda bez trzymanki, to jednak łatwiej jechać drogą, którą się już wcześniej jechało. Wszystkie mamy, które spodziewają się pierwszego dziecka – pozdrawiam Was i trzymam za Was mocno kciuki!

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