Ja Ciebie chcę, synku

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Jeżeli kiedykolwiek miałam preferencje odnośnie płci dziecka, to zostały one przeze mnie brutalnie porzucone w szpitalu po pierwszej ciąży. Trzasnęłam nimi o podłogę w sali zabiegowej, albo w toalecie, jakaś pani zamiotła je razem z innymi śmieciami, wyrzuciła do kosza, a może popłynęły do ścieków…nie wiem. Nawet dobrze nie pamiętam, czy w ogóle były.

Kiedy trzy miesiące później zaszłam w kolejną ciążę, płeć kompletnie się nie liczyła. Przez cały czas, od początku do końca, ważne było tylko to, żeby z dzieckiem wszystko było dobrze. Przed każdą wizytą cicha modlitwa, strach, nadzieja, ulga. Kiedy lekarz w 16 tygodniu stwierdził, że chyba będzie chłopiec, ucieszyłam się, ale pewnie tak samo ucieszyłabym się, gdyby powiedział, że dziewczynka. Na każdej kolejnej wizycie moje dziecko dumnie prezentowało to, co ma między nogami, prawdopodobnie po to, żeby uniknąć noszenia różowych ubrań po urodzeniu. Nie było wątpliwości, miał być chłopiec na 100% i urodził się chłopiec. Dawid.

Kiedy zaszłam w trzecią ciążę, D. stwierdził, że czuje, że tym razem będzie dziewczynka. „A chciałbyś córkę?” – zapytałam. „Nie, po prostu tak czuję”. Zastanawiałam się co ja czuję. Na pewno czułam mdłości, włosy przetłuszczały mi się niemiłosiernie, cera się zepsuła – „Dziewczynka jak nic” – mówili wszyscy. Przez chwilę myślałam, że może faktycznie, później stwierdziłam, że chyba chłopak, później że dziewczynka a później, że nie jestem wróżbitką i jak przyjdzie czas, to się przecież dowiem. „Nie no teraz pora na córkę”, „Córka byłaby idealna”, „To jeszcze córeczka, i będzie komplet” – słyszałam na każdym kroku. Przy tym całym zastanawianiu się, kto zagościł w moim brzuchu, pewna byłam jednego – DZIECKO. Przed każdą wizytą, szczególnie w pierwszym trymestrze, kiedy stres sięgał zenitu, utwierdzałam się w przekonaniu, że mnie nie obchodzi, co ten mały człowiek ma między nogami. Nie obchodzi mnie to, bo to naprawdę nieistotne. Liczyło się jedno – rośnie, serce bije, rozwija się prawidłowo – i tak na każdej wizycie.

W dwunastym tygodniu USG prenatalne – wszystko w normie. „Na razie między nogami nic nie ma” – usłyszeliśmy. W szesnastym tygodniu, podczas standardowego USG, wypatrzyłam jajka. Sama wypatrzyłam, bo były tak wielkie, że przysłoniły cały obraz na ekranie. Parę sekund później usłyszałam od lekarza, że wprawdzie nie lubi na tym etapie określać płci dziecka, ale wygląda mu to na chłopaka. „Synuś” – powiedziałam na głos i zaśmiałam się. „Jeszcze nie na 100%, potwierdzimy to na następnej wizycie…albo nie potwierdzimy” – powiedział mój ginekolog. Z gabinetu wyleciałam niesiona na skrzydłach, jak po każdej poprzedniej wizycie, kiedy to dowiadywałam się, że wszystko jest dobrze. Zadzwoniłam do D., zdałam relację, powiedziałam, że chyba synek, usłyszałam ucieszenie. Kiedy wróciłam do domu, zaczęłam się zastanawiać, czy ja przypadkiem podświadomie nie chciałam drugiego chłopca, skoro ucieszyłam się tak bardzo. Długo się nad tym nie zastanawiałam. Taką samą reakcję wywołałaby córka. Jestem tego pewna. Wiecie dlaczego? Bo dopiero w ciąży przypomniałam sobie, jak wielkim szczęściem jest mieć zdrowe dziecko. Płeć to sprawa drugorzędna.

Podczas badań połówkowych moje dziecko cały czas zasłaniało buźkę. Nie chciało pokazać, jak wygląda, wstydziło się. Przyrodzenie zaprezentowało jednak wzorcowo. Zdjęcia buźki nie mam, zdjęcie jajek mam i to bardzo wyraźne. Kiedy zaczęłam informować rodzinę i otoczenie, że Dawid będzie miał brata, doznałam szoku. Wiecie jak rzadko zdarzało się, żeby ktoś się ucieszył i normalnie pogratulował? Najczęściej słyszałam co w rodzaju:” Nie no Ania, też fajnie, przynajmniej nie będziesz musiała kupować nowych ubranek”, albo „Słuchaj, nie ma tego złego, chłopak z chłopakiem będą się lepiej bawić, niż jakby to była dziewczynka” i moje ulubione „Spokojnie, trzecia będzie córeczka”. Czy wszyscy ludzie już do reszty powariowali? Nie wiem, może wyglądam w tej ciąży tak żałośnie i na twarzy mam wymalowane takie zmęczenie, że sprawiam wrażenie kogoś, kto potrzebuje pocieszenia? Czy tak trudno uwierzyć, że można nie marzyć o parce? Czy tak trudno uwierzyć, że dla kogoś może nie mieć to znaczenia? Czy naprawdę model rodziny mama, ojciec, syn, córka jest tak idealny, że każda rodzina, która go nie odzwierciedla, jest niepełna? Dokąd zmierzasz świecie? Dokąd do cholery?

Emocje związane z klejnotami mojego drugiego dziecka i z tym, że w ogóle ośmieliły się tam być, powoli opadły, wszyscy zdziwieni pocieszający zaczynali godzić się z faktem, że syn będzie synem i z tych jajek córki już nie będzie, kiedy to przyjechał do nas jeden z kolegów D. Kolega ów ma syna i córkę. Po usłyszeniu, że my będziemy mieli dwóch synów, jego twarz wykrzywiła się w tak nienaturalny sposób, że przez chwilę zastanawiałam się, czy nie posoliłam mu herbaty (co w tej ciąży zdarza mi się dość często, więc jakby ktoś chciał do mnie wpaść w odwiedziny, to radzę obsłużyć się samemu).”Wiesz, córeczka to zawsze by była dla tatusia, bo synek to bardziej do mamy” – powiedział. „Bo chyba nie wiesz, jak piękną relację może mieć ojciec z synem” – wypaliłam i ucięłam temat, bo nie mam zamiaru z nikim dyskutować o tym, że moje dziecko powinno być innej płci, żeby spełnić czyjeś wyobrażenie o spełnionym rodzicielstwie.

Zaciekawiona dziwnymi reakcjami niektórych ludzi, poczytałam w sieci trochę o tym, co piszą inni rodzice, zwłaszcza kobiety, bo to one zazwyczaj udzielają się na forach internetowych, na temat preferencji związanych z płcią. „Chciałam mieć synka”, lub „Marzyłam o córce, a wyszło trzech chłopców” wydawały mi się zupełnie normalne i pojawiały się często, nie budząc we mnie jakiegokolwiek zdziwienia, czy zniesmaczenia. Z dalszej lektury zrezygnowałam, kiedy doszłam do wypowiedzi jednej pani, która stwierdziła, że kiedy w pierwszej ciąży dowiedziała się, że będzie synek, załamała się, ale pomyślała, że nic straconego, to dopiero pierwsze dziecko przecież. Kiedy jednak w drugiej ciąży lekarz obwieścił chłopca, płakała przez dwa tygodnie. „Nie mogłam znieść drugi raz takiej porażki” – pisała. PORAŻKI?! Wstyd to czytać, a co dopiero wypisywać takie bzdury. „USG nie zawsze daje 100% pewności, czasem ma być chłopak, a jednak rodzi się dziewczynka” – pocieszały ją forumowiczki. „Czyli jest jeszcze dla mnie nadzieja” – odpowiadała zrozpaczona kobieta. Nie, nie ma, głupia babo, jeżeli osiągnęłaś już dojrzałość płciową, a mózg do tej pory nie wyrósł, to już raczej nie wyrośnie. Wcześniej inna pani opisywała z kolei stres, który przeżyła, kiedy informowała męża o drugiej córce. Bała się, że każe jej USUNĄĆ. I chyba pisała poważnie, bo z dyskusji pod tym wpisem wynikało, że mąż ma firmę o typowo męskim charakterze i potrzebuje dziedzica, a mąż córki nigdy nie wzbudzi takiego zaufania, a ona już nie zdecyduje się na trzecie dziecko, bo źle znosi ciążę, więc syn był niezbędny a tu bęc , brak jajek, tragedia.

Ja rozumiem marzenia rodziców o synu lub córce. To nie jest tak, że jak ktoś chce chłopca, czy dziewczynkę, to jest złym człowiekiem i na stos z nim, bo na dziecko nie zasłużył. Nie. Myślę, że większość ludzi ma takie preferencje, a z tej mniejszości, która nie ma, część tak mówi, bo myśli, że tak wypada. Ojcowie marzą o synach, żeby móc przekazać im swoje pasje, swój dorobek, żeby tak zwany ród nie wyginął, kobiety o córkach, żeby w przyszłości mieć przyjaciółkę, bo kobieta kobietę zawsze lepiej zrozumie. Mój pogląd na płeć wynika z moich przeżyć. To kubeł zimnej wody po straconej ciąży sprawił, że płeć zupełnie mnie nie obchodzi. Rozumiem, że można w tej kwestii mieć inne poglądy i podejście niż ja, nie rozumiem jednak tej rozpaczy, tego zawodu, który mógłby być zupełnie normalny, oczywiście, bo jest ludzki, jeżeli na coś się liczyło, a okazało się coś innego, ale kiedy nie przesłania on wszystkiego innego. Ludzie wpadają w jakieś dziwne emocje, jeżeli chodzi o płeć i trudno im uwierzyć,k że ktoś może myśleć inaczej. Mam dwóch synów i cieszę się, pozwólcie mi.

Myślę, że to moja ostatnia ciąża. Raczej nie zdecyduję się już na kolejne dziecko, chociaż się nie zarzekam. Może za parę lat coś nam odstrzeli i stwierdzimy, że chcemy jeszcze? Póki co muszę żyć ze świadomością, że w moim domu nie zagości róż, chyba że syn jeden, albo syn drugi, będzie w różu gustował. Ale to na pewno nie będzie róż, tylko łososiowy przecież. Muszę żyć ze świadomością, że będę tą gorszą teściową i że czyjeś córki kiedyś zabiorą moich synków (Boże, słabo mi) i najprawdopodobniej będą ich ciągnąć w stronę swojej rodziny, bo tak jest zazwyczaj. Nie zawsze, ale najczęściej. Muszę omijać w sklepach półki z sukienkami, wózkami dla lalek i samymi lalkami i wiecie co? Przeżyję. Nie jestem z tego powodu jakoś szczególnie nieszczęśliwa. Mam dwóch zdrowych chłopców, jeden na zewnątrz, drugi jeszcze w środku, ale już niedługo z nami będzie. Nie przejmuj się synku, my Ciebie chcemy, w całej twojej synkowości i ani przez chwilę żadne z nas nie było zawiedzione. Jesteś cudem, jesteś wspaniały a wszystkim tym, którzy myślą inaczej, pomachaj na przekór jajkami – niech wiedzą, jak bardzo nie wiedzą, o czym mówią.

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