Drugie imię matki

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Co kryje się za słowem „macierzyństwo”? Jakie uczucia? Jakie emocje? Czy to się da zdefiniować? Czy można opisać, kim tak naprawdę jest matka? Jak myślisz? Potrafisz?

Dla mnie macierzyństwo zaczęło się od chwili, kiedy dowiedziałam się, że jestem w ciąży. To wtedy, pierwszy raz w życiu dowiedziałam się, jak bardzo może Ci na kimś zależeć, jak bardzo można mieć nadzieję, jak można pokochać kogoś, kto kształtem nie przypomina jeszcze człowieka. To wtedy dowiedziałam się również, jak bardzo można się o kogoś martwić.

Kiedy w ciąży z Dawidem zaczęłam odczuwać ruchy, uspokoiłam się, jednak do rozwiązania towarzyszył mi lęk. Lęk, kiedy za słabo się ruszał i kiedy w 32 tygodniu ciąży pojawiło się rozwarcie, lęk przed porodem. „Uspokoję się, kiedy już będzie z nami i będę wiedziała, że wszystko z nim dobrze” – myślałam. Jak bardzo się myliłam, dowiedziałam się dopiero, kiedy ten mały ludek zagościł u nas w domu.

Matka się martwi. Jedna bardziej, druga mniej, ale nie wierzę, że istnieje taka, która nie robi tego wcale. Pamiętam nocne karmienia, kiedy przyssany do mnie Dawid zasypiał spokojnie, a ja patrzyłam na niego i byłam wdzięczna, że jest. Tak po prostu. Za tym spokojem jednak, były ukryte obawy. Czy przybiera prawidłowo na wadze, czy dobrze go trzymam, czy ta wysypka na buźce to nic groźnego, czy nie zakrztusi się podczas snu. To nie jest tak, że martwiłam się cały czas, bez przerwy, jednak zawsze, gdzieś z tyłu głowy towarzyszyło mi uczucie, że jestem za niego odpowiedzialna i że muszę zrobić wszystko, by był bezpieczny, by zapewnić mu to, co najlepsze.

Już dawno przestałam się łudzić, że mi to przejdzie. Tak po prostu jest. Martwię się. I martwić się będę już do końca. Bo jestem mamą. Teraz, w drugiej ciąży, mam dokładnie to samo, tyle że Dawid tak bardzo zajmuje mi czas w ciągu dnia, że na myślenie o tym mam czas dopiero wieczorem.  Nie zależy mi na tym dziecku mniej, bo mam już jedno w domu. To taki sam skarb, takie samo szczęście, taka sama miłość i taka sama odpowiedzialność. Oczywiście, że zdobyte doświadczenie uchroni nas przed pewnymi lękami. Nie polecę do lekarza z pierwszym katarem, będę lepiej potrafiła odczytywać pewne sygnały. Już nawet do ciąży inaczej podchodzę i mniej panikuję, bo niektóre objawy znam z poprzedniej ciąży i wiem, że wcale nie muszą oznaczać niczego strasznego. Nie zmienia to jednak faktu, że to przez tę dwójkę małych ludzi lęk w moim sercu gości cały czas. Każdy etap rozwoju to inny lęk i o niektórych jeszcze nie mam pojęcia, ale czekam spokojnie, wiem, że przyjdą, nie ominą mnie, niestety. Dawid jest zdrowy, rozwija się prawidłowo, w brzuchu kopie skarb numer dwa, również wszystko z nim w porządku i moim głównym lękiem, teraz i już chyba zawsze będzie, by tak już zostało. By były zdrowe i miały szczęśliwe życie.

Od kiedy zostałam mamą myślę inaczej. Wcześniej nie zastanawiałam się nad tym, że nic nie jest nam dane raz na zawsze, żyłam lekko. Bo mogłam. Teraz wszystko się zmieniło. Jestem ostrożniejsza, bardziej o siebie dbam, złoszczę się na D., kiedy ten za mocno przyciska pedał gazu, bo wiem, że teraz nie żyjemy już tylko dla siebie. Chcę widzieć, jak moje dzieci rosną, adrenalina nie jest mi już potrzebna, macierzyństwo zapewnia mi jej wystarczająco dużo. Nienawidzę, kiedy D. nie odbiera przez pół dnia telefonu, bo z jego pracą jest związane pewne ryzyko zawodowe, a ja panicznie boję się, że zostanę z dziećmi sama. Mój tato, kiedy miałam 7 lat, miał nieszczęśliwy wypadek. Pewnego wieczoru wyszedł z domu i nigdy już do niego nie wrócił. Wiem, jak to jest wychowywać się w domu z jednym rodzicem i jak bardzo ten brak jest odczuwalny. Na pewne sprawy nie mamy wpływu, takie rzeczy się zdarzają, ale zrobię wszystko, by nie zdarzyły się moim dzieciom.

Jeżeli miałabym zdefiniować, co znaczy być matką, powiedziałabym, że to znaczy kochać. Kochać bezgranicznie, bezinteresownie, bez przerwy. Za tą miłością jednak kryje się drugie imię macierzyństwa. LĘK. On jest nam potrzebny, byśmy były ostrożne, byśmy czuwały, ale również po to, byśmy potrafiły docenić, to co mamy. Wszystkie nieprzespane noce, mocne uderzenia serca, gdy coś się dzieje, obawy o dziecko, które są silniejsze od nas, są w macierzyństwo wpisane. Biorę cały pakiet uczuć, który dostałam, przyjmuję go i uczę się z nim żyć tak, by moje lęki nie przesłoniły mi szczęścia, by nie sprawiły, że zagłaskam, zapieszczę i nie dam dziecku przestrzeni. Jednak martwić będę się już całe życie i dopiero teraz rozumiem wszystkie zachowania mojej mamy, które wcześniej wydawały mi się nienormalne. Tak już mamy, my, mamy. Boimy się, bo kochamy.

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