Moje dziecko, cud spóźnionej owulacji

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Długo nie mogłam się zebrać, żeby o tym napisać. Długo zajęło mi, zanim ten fakt do mnie dotarł. Jeszcze dłużej czasu potrzebuję, by uwierzyć, że wszystko jest dobrze.

Kiedy zaczęliśmy myśleć o drugim dziecku, oboje stwierdziliśmy, że teraz jest najlepszy czas. Miałam odczekać rok od cesarskiego cięcia i zielone światło od lekarza zaświeciło najzieleńszą zielenią. Pierwszy cykl. Wielkanoc, urodziny Dawida. W naszym salonie goście przez 1,5 tygodnia. Ja zmęczona, D. padnięty, Dawid z nadmiaru wrażeń i ludzi w domu pobudzony. Mały nie chciał się dać odłożyć do łóżeczka, spaliśmy sobie więc we trójkę, szczęśliwi. Tak minęła owulacja.

Goście pojechali. W domu zrobiło się cicho, Dawid zasnął bez problemu, a przed rodzicami roztoczyła się wizja wspólnego wieczoru. I wieczór był spędzony razem, przyjemnie. We dwoje.

Dwa tygodnie później dwie kreski na teście ciążowym zakomunikowały nam, że owulacja chyba jechała do mnie PKP, bo miała dość spore opóźnienie. Szok, ale też radość. Ale raczej szok.

Kolejne dwa tygodnie w oczekiwaniu na pierwszą wizytę. Nigdy tak dziwnie się nie czułam. Niby wiedziałam, że ciąża, ale jak w to uwierzyć? Jakim sposobem. Szybkie wyniki TSH, tak jak kazał endokrynolog. Wynik 6,5. Płacz i panika, bo doświadczenia z pierwszej ciąży zostają w głowie na zawsze, a TSH było jedynym wynikiem, który był nieprawidłowy. Szybka reakcja endokrynologa, później wizyta u ginekologa.

Pęcherzyk ciążowy, piękny, kształtny. Wszystko w porządku. Karty ciąży nie zakładamy, jest za wcześnie. Proszę o duphaston. Na wszelki wypadek. Dostaję.

Kolejne dwa tygodnie w oczekiwaniu na tętno. Przedziwne. Jak można zapominać, że jest się w ciąży? Można. Kiedy mały, człapiący po domu jak kaczka chłopiec zaprząta twoje myśli i nie daje chwili, by się martwić. Dopiero wieczorami myślałam o drugim dziecku. I miałam wyrzuty sumienia, że nie pamiętam o nim, że nie mam czasu, że nie głaszczę się po brzuchu, tak jak w poprzednich ciążach. Mdłości, senność, ssanie w żołądku mimo mdłości, dziwne samopoczucie, zadyszka. To wszystko świadczy o ciąży. Jednak świadomość tego, że tam w środku jest dziecko nadal nie przychodziła. Dlaczego?

Wczorajszy wieczór. Dzień przed wizytą u ginekologa. Plamienie. Małe, ale plamienie. Identyczne, jak w pierwszej ciąży. Strach nie od opisania i płacz, ale taki cichy, żeby Dawid nie widział.

26 maja, Dzień Matki. Oczekiwanie na wizytę u ginekologa. Dawid nauczył się dawać buzi. Całował mnie soczyście, z miłością, od samego rana. Dwa lata temu w dniu matki czułam smutek. Rok temu wielką radość. Tym razem strach. Dzień minął, nadeszła wizyta.

Mój ginekolog zna mnie już na tyle, że kiedy widzi po minie panikę, nie mówi nic, tylko bada i robi USG. Plamienie jest, jednak nie przy ujściu szyjki. USG. Ja nic nie widzę. Właściwie to jestem zrezygnowana, bo mechanizm obronny działa tak, że lepiej nie mieć za dużej nadziei, lepiej się pozytywnie zaskoczyć, nić boleśnie rozczarować. Jest. Mały człowieczek, który mierzy nieco ponad centymetr. Z przepięknie bijącym sercem <3 Ulga. Nawet nie radość, ulga po prostu. Sto kilogramów spadło z pleców, z fotela wręcz zleciałam na ciążowych skrzydełkach, zgrabnie ładując się na wagę, bez marudzenia tym razem. Jest. Mimo plamień, mimo strachu, mimo, że nie wierzyłam i o nim nie myślałam. Jest.

Moje dziecko. Przyszło do nas, bo chciało, mimo że my myśleliśmy, że już za późno. Przyszło szybko, zaskoczyło nas. Rośnie sobie pięknie wbrew paranoi ciążowej w głowie matki i lęku w sercu. Po dzisiejszej wizycie, kiedy wróciłam do domu z kartą ciąży, taka uskrzydlona i uspokojona, jest inaczej. Teraz już wierzę i nie boję się myśleć, że będzie dobrze, mimo że na pewno jeszcze nie raz spanikuję. Kładę się teraz. Przytulę się do Dawida i słuchając jego spokojnego oddechu zasnę. Jednak tym razem już wiem, że Dawid ma siostrę, albo brata. Niech rozwija się spokojnie, czekamy. I cieszymy się. I kochamy. Nasze dziecko – cud spóźnionej owulacji.

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