Mija czas, minął rok

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Dawid skończył rok. 11 kwietnia 2017 roku, wtorek, płakałam chyba z piętnaście razy, bo tak mnie wzruszało, że już rok jest z nami. Jak to możliwe? Kiedy staram się popatrzeć na ten miniony czas z boku, z pewnej perspektywy, mogę z czystym sumieniem stwierdzić, że nie zmieniłaby w nim ani sekundy. Każdy moment w tym czasie był po coś. Każda radość, każde nowe doświadczenie, każdy strach i smutek. Wszystko.

Dla mnie kwiecień jest bardzo ważnym miesiącem. 11 kwietnia urodziny mają Dawid i D. Syn i ojciec jednego dnia, tyle szczęścia w jednym czasie. Dzisiaj, 20 kwietnia, mijają dokładnie dwa lata od kiedy usłyszałam w gabinecie u ginekologa, że nie widzi tętna. Jutro miną dokładnie dwa lata od zabiegu. Jak to możliwie, że to już tyle czasu? No i przede wszystkim – ile rzeczy się w tym czasie zadziało? Strach przed kolejną ciążą, radość, kiedy na teście znowu pojawiły się dwie kreski, później znowu strach, i ulga, i miłość po każdej wizycie. Nieprawdopodobne. Jak to możliwie, że ta ciąża minęła tak szybko? Kiedy moje dziecko przeszło z etapu noworodkowo-kwękowo-cyckowego, w radośnie buszującego po domu chłopca? Czy uda mi się połapać te chwile, schować je, by nie zapomnieć? Dawid rośnie tak szybko, taki mały już nigdy nie będzie. Każdy dzień jest niepowtarzalny, mimo całej tej rutyny, która czasem potrafi przysłonić nam szczęście, które nas spotkało.

Kiedy Dawid pojawił się na świecie, byłam kompletnie nieprzygotowana na to, co mnie czeka, mimo że przygotowywałam się solidnie. W ciąży cały czas mówiłam, że go kocham, jednak byłam świadoma, że prawdziwa miłość rozkwitnie po porodzie. Może dlatego byłam taka zawiedziona, kiedy przez pierwszy tydzień, lub dwa czułam, że go kocham, jednak nie mogłam powiedzieć, że to tak miłość największa i jak grom z jasnego nieba. Kochałam bardzo, jednak czułam, że nie wystarczająco i że inne matki na pewno kochają bardziej, a ja tak chciałam tego dziecka i nie potrafię tego poczuć tak, jak to sobie wobrażałam . Jednak miłość, ta prawdziwa, ta nie do opisania, przyszła. Przychodzi nadal. Z każdym nowym dniem, nowym uśmiechem, nowym spojrzeniem, kocham bardziej. Za każdym razem myślę – „Już bardziej się nie da” – a później zdaję sobie sprawę, jak bardzo nie miałam racji i że się da i się kocha. Codziennie wydaje mi się też, że wiem więcej. I to prawda. Tyle, że to i tak ciągle mało. Macierzyństwu towarzyszą strachy. Strachy o dziecko. Nie lubię ich, ale są potrzebne. Bo czasem łatwo się zapomina, jak wielkimi farciarzami jesteśmy, że nasze dzieci są z nami.

Z perspektywy czasu wiem, że każdy strach w ciąży i każdy ból był warty tego, co przeżywam, mając przy sobie mojego syna. On jest perfekcją, dla mnie, choćby nie był dla innych. I pewnie są na świecie dzieci ładniejsze, są mądrzejsze, są grzeczniejsze, i pewnie są na świecie lepsze matki ode mnie, jednak my dla siebie jesteśmy najlepsi i kiedy patrzę na Dawida i on wtula się we mnie i uspokaja się w sekundę, kiedy popatrzy i tak beztrosko się uśmiechnie, albo zadziwi się czymś nowym dla niego, przez co ja zaczynam też dziwić się tą rzeczą na nowo, dzięki niemu, to po prostu wiem, że dla siebie jesteśmy czymś najważniejszym i najpiękniejszym na całym świecie. Perfekcyjna relacja, czysta miłość.

Od roku moje życie stoi na głowie. Chodzę permanentnie niedospana, permanentnie na moich czystych (przez chwilę) ciuchach ląduje jakaś część posiłku Dawida. Nie wychodzę często sama, bez dziecka, właściwie to zdarzyło się to może cztery razy. Nie do końca ogarniam, który jest dzień tygodnia, bo one faktycznie potrafią się zlać w całość czasem. No i gadam o tych kupach dziwnych i ząbkach wychodzących, chociaż się zarzekałam, że nie będę, bo to takie fuj i nie trendy, bo trendy jest teraz być fit mamą perfekcyjną, która macierzyństwo załatwia w międzyczasie, bez szkody dla dziecka oczywiście, ale też i bez szkody dla siebie, a nie taką jak ja właśnie. Spokojne popołudnia z książką zamieniły się w szaleńczą pogoń za niemowlakiem, który w jakiś cudowny sposób nadal potrafi znaleźć w domu rzecz, po którą nie powinien sięgnąć (lub też do której nie powinien dosięgnąć), a jednak jakoś nagle znajduje się ona w jego słodkiej łapce, a co za tym idzie w jego rozkosznej buzi i wtedy jak pendolino zrywam się z kanapy i biegnę, by uratować jegomościa przed rychłym zadławieniem. Najcudowniejsze jest to, że kiedy motywacja osiąga poziom -50, bo czasem przydałby się jakiś awans w tej pracy, a nowy szef, robiący właśnie 4 kupę, kiedy ty właśnie postanowiłaś nałożyć mu ciężkie do ściągania spodnie, robi po tej kupie coś takiego, że właśnie czujesz, że awansowałaś. Bo pierwszy świadomy uśmiech, lub pierwsze prawdziwe przytulenie, bo pierwsze MAMA, lub pierwszy kroczek. Duma rodzica z rozwoju dziecka jest jak awans i ja, pracoholik, osoba, która w robocie potrafiła siedzieć od świtu do nocy i w ogóle jej to nie przeszkadzało, usiadłam na tyłu i raczej nie czuję się z tego powodu poszkodowana. Bo ten jeden rok dał mi tyle szczęścia, że wszystkie awanse świata się do tego nie umywają.

Dziękuję Ci synku, że się pojawiłeś. Dziękuję za wszystko, co przyszło razem z Tobą. Jesteś spełnieniem, marzeniem, które jakimś cudem leży sobie teraz w swoim łóżeczku i daje radość. Minął rok, a ja nadal patrzę, jak śpisz, nadal mnie to zachwyca. Kiedy rano patrzysz na mnie tymi swoimi wyspanymi oczyma, a mi do pełnej regeneracji brakuje jeszcze ponad miesiąca snu, cieszę się mimo wszystko. Bo przed nami kolejny dzień razem, a to jest to, czego nie da się kupić, ani odzyskać, jeżeli się to zmarnuje. Bo to jest czas, który mija, szybko, za szybko. Rok za nami synku. Czekam na kolejne. Niech szczęście trwa!

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