Zosia samosia uciekła z płaczem

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„Ja sama” było prawdopodobnie pierwszym wypowiedzianym przeze mnie zdaniem. Wszystko sama, bardzo chętnie. Zazwyczaj mój entuzjazm kończył się, kiedy po dłuższym czasie coś, co miało pójść łatwo, nie szło wcale. Z czasem nauczyłam się, że nie wszystko zawsze warto robić samemu, a przyjęcie pomocnej dłoni nie jest wcale niczym strasznym. I tak żyłam sobie z tą nowo nabytą wiedzą, kiedy zachodziła potrzeba prosiłam o pomoc, ale też równie często pomagałam, kiedy ktoś potrzebował. Jednak kiedy urodził się Dawid, a właściwie to chyba jeszcze w ciąży, coś mi się poodmieniało i stwierdziłam, że jestem najmądrzejsza i jedyną osobą, która nadaje się do zajmowania moim dzieckiem jestem ja, ewentualnie D. Weszłam więc w macierzyństwo z ogromnym zapałem i wydawało mi się, że mi go wystarczy na następne 18 lat, albo i dłużej. I nie zgadniecie co się stało!? Zapał schował się gdzieś przy tysięcznej wymienionej pieluszce. Co więcej, kiedy przeliczył ilość nieprzespanych godzin w nocy, postanowił wbić się pod koc i ostentacyjnie zachrapał. Kiedy Dawid skończył trzy miesiące, zapał już dawno był za granicą, nie pamiętając w ogóle, że kiedykolwiek odwiedził nasz dom. „Ja sama” opala się teraz na plaży gdzieś w ciepłych krajach, i popijając drinka z palemką, śmieje się do rozpuku na myśl o tym, jak głupie było moje podejście.

Tak, na początku mojej drogi z Dawidem byłam zaborczą matką. Oprócz tego, że faktycznie zgadzałam się z tym, i nadal tak uważam, że przez pierwszy okres trzeba dziecku oszczędzić tabunu oglądających go ludzi, którzy koniecznie chcą go brać na ręce i się nim zajmować, to ja faktycznie chciałam mieć go tylko dla siebie. Bo przecież mój był. I jest nadal, tylko podejście się zmieniło. Chyba ochłonęłam. Ale też dostałam trochę w kość, jak praktycznie każda matka i szybko zweryfikowałam swoje poglądy.

Nie da się tak całkiem samemu. To znaczy na pewno się da, bo nie każdy ma wokół rodzinę i przyjaciół, którzy mogą pomóc, ale to bardzo ciężkie. Mając małe dziecko, po prostu trzeba nauczyć się przyjmować pomoc. Kiedy urodziłam Dawida okazało się, że coś, co kiedyś było rzeczą prostą, nagle wymaga planowania. Weźmy nawet tak prozaiczną sprawę, jak pójście do lekarza po receptę. Dzwonisz, umawiasz się i idziesz, co nie? A co z dzieckiem? Oczywiście, można z dzieckiem. Jak trzeba i nie da rady inaczej, to można. Jednak branie dziecka bez potrzeby gdzieś, gdzie są chorzy ludzie, to głupota. Więc proszę wtedy kogoś, kto może i idę. Ale nie zawsze ktoś może. A D. nie zawsze daje radę pójść później do pracy, lub wrócić wcześniej. I tak oto brak możliwości zostawienia z kimś Dawida poskutkował tym, że przez 3 tygodnie nie brałam euthyroxu. Brawo ja! Wynik TSH – przerażający. Ale o tym w innym poście. Więc kochani, po prostu czasem trzeba kogoś poprosić. Mi to teraz przychodzi bardzo łatwo. Nie zostawię dziecka z każdym, ale grono osób, którym bym zaufała, zdecydowanie wzrosło.

Na pewno nie jestem już też tak zaborcza, jeżeli chodzi o to, co robią z Dawidem inni ludzie. Już nie jestem tylko ja, ja sama i ja. Już nie pouczam wszystkich wokół, którzy biorą go na ręce, że „tak on lubi, a tak nie lubi, a tak w ogóle to oddaj mi go bo na pewno chce do mamy.” To nie jest kwestia tego, że już się nim nacieszyłam, trochę się nim zmęczyłam i teraz wpycham go każdemu, kto się nawinie. Absolutnie. Ale będąc z małym 24 godziny na dobę, nawet 10 minut, na które przejmie go babcia, albo stęskniona ciocia, jest jak zabieg w SPA. Chwilo trwaj, dziecko kocham cię nad życie, ale pośliń przez chwilę kogoś innego.

Kocham Dawida bezgranicznie. Kiedyś bałam się, że nie podołam, że nie starczy mi cierpliwości, że gdzieś po drodze siądzie mi głowa i macierzyństwo, które było moim marzeniem, przerośnie mnie. Miłość do dziecka jest jednak czymś takim, co daje energię. Jego uśmiech, gaworzenie i sposób, w jaki patrzy sprawiają, że gdzieś ta cierpliwość i siła znajdują się i nagle czujesz, że przecież jest fajnie, mimo że męcząco. A już dotyk tej małej rączki na twojej twarzy, kiedy tak ufnie patrzy na ciebie i uśmiecha się, no marzenie. Są oczywiście takie chwile, że biorąc głęboki oddech, proszę Boga o spokój. A to przecież dopiero początek. Mieszkanie aktualnie wygląda jak po bitwie. Dawid od paru dni raczkuje i cieszy się tym tak bardzo, że zostawia na swojej drodze tylko pył i zgliszcza. Po kolei znajduje sobie nowe cele, do których dąży i jak już do niech dotrze, bezceremonialnie zrzuca je, wyrzuca, ciągnie za sobą, lub na sobie, generalnie masakra. Oprócz tego w domu stanęła wielka choinka i przez mojego syna została opacznie odebrana jako wieszak na święcące i wołające do niego z gałązek gryzaki! (Tak na marginesie, polecam plastikowe bombki. Przy dziecku tylko plastiki, albo drzewko zawieszone pod sufitem – do wyboru). Choinka przy ośmiomiesięcznym, ruchliwym niemowlaku to niezły temat jest…Całe szczęście, że akurat teraz, kiedy raczkowanie i bombki z brokatem sprawiły, że Dawida nie można nawet na 5 sekund zostawić samego, do Polski powróciła moja mama, której nie było prawie trzy miesiące. Matka zbawicielka, albo raczej babcia zbawicielka. Nigdy nie sądziłam, że moje dziecko tak mnie zbliży z własną mamą. Bo nagle okazuje się, że na jej radach zawsze mogę polegać, mimo że nie zawsze się z nimi zgadzam. To ona kocha moje dziecko tak bardzo, że aż nie wiem, czy nie bardziej niż kochała mnie i naprawdę mi to nie przeszkadza, bo przecież Dawid zasługuje na to, żeby go tak kochać. Mimo dość opornych kontaktów, jakie miałyśmy wcześniej i ciężkich początków ze mną, kiedy urodziłam i chciałam tak wszystko sama i najmądrzej, teraz przyjmuję każdą radę, każdą pomoc i z pokorą przyznaję, że takie zosiosamosiowanie to głupota jest, bo nikomu to nie służy.

Przez pewien czas zastanawiałam się, czy to nie jest tak, że to ja mam jakiś problem z organizacją. Człowiek zaczyna mieć do siebie pretensje, bo w domu nie za czysto, lista spraw zaległych rośnie, a ty wcale nie masz poczucia, że jakoś wybitnie dobrze zajmujesz się dzieckiem, bo każdy dzień wygląda tak, że mimo, że cały czas coś z nim robisz, to nie zawsze jest to tak super kreatywne, jak uczą w mądrych książkach i Internecie.  A przecież chciałam tak bardzo i tak mądrze, tak czysto i sielsko anielsko. Tylko nie zawsze mi to wychodzi. Albo wychodzi sielsko inaczej. Później jednak to sobie przemyślałam, poobserwowałam otoczenie i stwierdziłam, że koleżanka, która zawsze w domu ma super lśniąco ma mamę, która trzy razy w tygodniu zabiera jej dziecko na spacer na trzy godziny. Trzy razy w tygodniu na trzy godziny?! Matko, to jakaś niewyobrażalna dla mnie ilość czasu bez dziecka. Później poobserwowałam jeszcze bardziej i zauważyłam, że mąż koleżanki, która w ciągu dnia ma czas na czytanie i robienie przetworów, wraca codziennie z pracy do domu po 16:00. Kiedy ostatnio D. był w tygodniu w domu po 16:00 to…no nie, nie było takiej sytuacji przez przynajmniej cztery ostatnie miesiące, więc nie wiem, co wtedy by się działo. Nie ma co się łamać i porównywać z innymi, bo każdy ma inaczej, a trzeba też pamiętać, że dziecko dziecku nie równe. Jak słyszę, że ktoś jest niewyspany, bo młode mu jedną noc wstawało co dwie godziny, to uśmiecham się do siebie i myślę „Witaj w moim świecie”. Jednak później, po chwili zastanowienia nachodzi mnie refleksja, że to normalne, że ktoś marudzi, bo jak dziecko cały czas by mi przesypiało całą noc i nagle by mu się coś odwidziało, to też bym była zdziwiona i zmęczona, bo bym nie była do tego przyzwyczajona. Dawid od jakiegoś czasu robi mi niespodzianki i zaczął spać jak duży chłopczyk, odpukać. Korzystam z tego, póki mu się nie odwidzi. Kiedy ten stan utrzyma się trochę dłużej, poproszę kogoś bliskiego, żeby został z nim wieczorem, po położeniu spać. Pójdę z D. do kina. Albo na kolację. Bo taka pomoc też jest potrzebna, żeby wyjść z domu i się trochę rozerwać. Taki jest plan.

Zosia samosia, która mieszkała kiedyś we mnie, podkuliła ogon i uciekła z płaczem. Dobrze mi bez niej. Tak łatwiej jakoś. Bo my, mamy, potrzebujemy czasem pomocnej dłoni. Potrzebujemy kogoś, komu można zaufać. Albo kogoś, kto poklepie cię po plecach, weźmie młodego na chwilę i da ci w tym czasie odpocząć, albo nastawić pranie, albo zrobić zakupy, albo po tyłku się podrapać obiema rękami. Cokolwiek. Nawet, jeżeli czasem nie ogarniam, na szczęście mam osoby, na które mogę liczyć i które nie ocenią mnie, że przecież powinnam lepiej się zorganizować. Kocham te osoby i jeżeli to czytają, to bardzo mocno i gorąco im za to DZIĘKUJĘ.

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  104. Mieszkając za granicą sama muszę sobie radzić z Małą, ale już się do tego przyzwyczaiłam 🙂 Wszystko można zrobić potrzebna jest tylko dobra organizacja 😉

    • No pewnie, że można, jak trzeba to trzeba, ale rozumiem, że jak byłaś w Polsce to bardzo protestowałaś, jak dziadkowie brali Małą rano a Wy mogliście się wyspać? 😉 bo przecież można wstawać codziennie rano tak wcześnie, da się 🙂

      • Mam dziadków 100km ode mnie i bardzo mi ten układ odpowiada. Może dlatego że wiem że by się wtracali i czasem bym nie miała prawa zrobić po swojemu a tak to przez telefon dobrych rad wyslucham i zrobię po swojemu. Oczywiście że marzyłam czasem żeby mi ktoś został godzinę ze spiacym dzieckiem itp ale znajac cene takiej pomocy wole wizyte u ginekologa z dwulatkiem i pare innych atrakcji ktore zaliczylam nie majac innego wyjscia ☺