Witaj w świecie zombie

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Zamieszkało we mnie zombie. Żyję z nim w środku już kilka miesięcy. Kiedy oczy mojego dziecka zamykają się w pierwszym śnie, zombie budzi się i rozpoczyna nocne czuwanie. Każdej nocy, instynktownie, bez zapalania światła, praktycznie z zamkniętymi oczami, wykonuję te same czynności i bywa, że rano już nawet nie kojarzę, czy wstawałam dzisiaj tyle samo razy, co poprzednio, czy może dziecko się zlitowało i ominęło jedną pobudkę. Zombie i ja, jeden organizm, działamy, walczymy, oczekujemy na lepsze czasy.

Tak, słyszałam gdzieś, że istnieją takie niemowlaki, które przesypiają już całe noce. Zazdroszczę, nie ukrywam, zazdroszczę. Podajcie mi swój numer, wyślę syna na korepetycje. Albo podajcie adres od razu, to Wam go na jedną noc podrzucę. Co Wam szkodzi? Przecież jesteście wyspani. Czytałam ostatnio, że siedmiomiesięczne dziecko to już musi spać, chyba, że go coś boli…fałsz. Jak nie chce, to nie musi. Generalnie to naprawdę niemowlak nie wie o większości rzeczy, które już powinien, w tym o przesypianiu od 19:00 do 7:00 rano, przynajmniej mój niemowlak. Już nawet z tym nie walczę, posłusznie wstaję, przytulam, odkładam, albo zostaję z nim w pokoju i na kanapie dokańczam noc w koślawym uścisku, który gwarantuje spokój dziecka.

Kiedy Dawid skończył 3 miesiące, kładziony po 19:00, pierwszy raz na jedzenie budził się o 4:00. NIEBO!!! RAJ!!! „W sumie to nocne wstawanie nie było takie złe, 3 miesiące, da się przeżyć” myślałam. Jednak ten piękny czas minął, Dawid zaczął znowu spać jak noworodek.  I tak wstaję sobie radośnie każdej nocy, a gdy dziecko się zapomni i śpi wyjątkowo długo, to budzę się z lękiem, bo przecież coś nie tak i sprawdzam, o co chodzi. Drogę z sypialni do jego pokoju mam już tak obeznaną, że nawet nie muszę otwierać oczu. Właściwie to mam wrażenie, że jeszcze chwila i w ogóle nie będę się budzić, tylko przez sen pójdę, sprawdzę o co biega i wrócę do łóżka. Takie właśnie zombie ze mnie. Początkowo starałam się walczyć z tym nie spaniem. A to dałam więcej jeść,  a to włączałam szum…nic nie pomagało. Kiedy przyszedł czas, że pobudka nie wiązała się już tylko z karmieniem, lecz z potrzebą przytulenia, bliskości, walczyć przestałam już całkiem. Gdyby tylko był sposób, żeby mu wytłumaczyć, że jak noc i ciemno, to się korzysta i śpi. Co mam zrobić? Z kieszonkowego mu nie potrącę jeszcze, słodyczy nie pochowam, na dwór z kolegami wyjść nie zabronię…pozostaje mi wstawać i przytulać, ewentualnie czasem dokarmić, aż do wyczerpania potrzeb budzącego się dzieciorka.

Prawda jest taka, że uśmiech dziecka jest najpiękniejszy między 3:00 a 5:00 rano. Kiedy ty zaspana, ledwie żywa, podchodzisz po raz enty do łóżeczka, a dziecko widząc cię rozdziawia usta w beztroskim bananie, nie sposób się złościć. Myślę, że to jest tak specjalnie stworzone, żeby biedne, niewyspane mamy miały w nocy jakąś pociechę, skoro już nie śpią. Bez tego naprawdę chciałoby się czasem wyskoczyć przez okno. Bywają noce, że syczę do siebie przez zęby, że masakra, że ja śpiąca, że na miłość boską śpij dziecko bo przysięgam, zemści się to na tobie w przyszłości, jak twoje dziecko nie będzie chciało spać. Niestety tyle z tego pożytku, że jestem wysyczana, nic więcej. Umówmy się, ponad 7 miesięcy kiedy to nie przespałaś ciągiem dłużej niż 4 godziny, potrafi dać w dupę. Co więcej, dziecko się kładzie a ja, zamiast zapakować tyłek do łóżka, sprzątam, myję, prasuję…co więcej, ja filmy oglądam, książkę czytam, znajomych zapraszam. Mój D. początkowo, kiedy widział, że o 23:15, kiedy w perspektywie mam wstanie o 00:30, siedzę na łóżku i czytam, łapał się za głowę. Coś mi się jednak poprzestawiało i nie często udaje mi się zasnąć przed północą. Zastanawiałam się, dlaczego tak się dzieje i myślę, że odpowiedź jest prosta. Ja po prostu muszę mieć czas dla siebie, by pomyśleć czasem o czymś innym, niż o dziecku. A kiedy mam to robić? Tylko kiedy śpi. Dlatego już, przyzwyczajona do nowego trybu, czasami wieczorem pozwalam sobie na przyjemności. Zresztą, bywa, że kładąc się przed północą, wybudzona 30 minut później mam wrażenie, że nastąpiła pełna regeneracja, miałam przynajmniej kilkugodzinną drzemkę i na dodatek miałam dłuuugi sen, który potrafię ze szczegółami opowiedzieć i działo się w nim tyle, że nie wierzę, że spałam tylko pół godziny. Taka faza.

Teraz już przynajmniej wiem, skąd moja mama miała tyle energii i rano jak skowronek wstawała, nawet kiedy do późnych godzin w nocy krzątała się po kuchni. Po urodzeniu trzech córek była już tak zaprawiona w boju, że 5 godzin snu na dobę nie robiło na niej większego wrażenia.

Łączy się u mnie to nocne wstawanie z wieloma problemami. Myśli się jakoś ciężej, nastrój nie zawsze dopisuje, jeszcze jesienna depresja chce dopaść i nie patrzy, że przy Dawidzie ja siłę i dobre nastawienie muszę mieć przecież. Kiedyś jednak myślałam, że w macierzyństwie przeraża mnie głównie ten brak snu. Wydawało mi się to nie do przejścia. Teraz, kiedy mam Dawida wiem, że to nie jest takie straszne. Ważne, że on w nocy budzi się z powodów, które potrafię zdefiniować. Nie mam ataków nieukojonego płaczu, żebym musiała się zastanawiać, co się z nim dzieje, nie jest też tak, że ma przestawiony dzień z nocą i o 2:40 postanawia, że klocki to to, o czym marzy. U nas schemat jest prosty – budzi się, najpierw dać smoka, jak jest protest, to wyjąć z łóżeczka i przytulić, jak dalej marudzi, dać wody, jak wypluje i płacze, dać mleko – odłożyć. Aktualnie przeważnie pomaga już „wyjąć z łóżeczka i przytulić”. Taki mój Dawid, nocny Marek.

Perspektywa przespanej nocy macha do mnie gdzieś tam daleko. Tęsknię za tym, choć wiem, że jeszcze kiedyś będzie mi dane. Do tego czasu noc muszę podzielić między potrzeby własne, a mojego syna. Patrzę tak czasem na niego, jak śpi mi na rękach trzymając w swojej mini rączce skrawek mojej piżamy i rozczula mnie. Nie zawsze będzie mnie potrzebował, teraz ma ten czas, takie jego prawo, taki mój obowiązek. Kiedy ostatnio w nocy obudził się z płaczem większym niż zazwyczaj i wyjęty z łóżeczka popatrzył na mnie, złapał mnie za nos i wyraził zdziwienie głośnym „ooooo”, kupił mnie kompletnie. W pakiecie dostał nocne wstawanie matki bez marudzenia. Bo co ja bym robiła bez ciebie teraz synku? Byłabym wyspanym, smutnym człowiekiem. To ja już wolę być niewyspanym, szczęśliwym zombie. Miłego dnia życzę wszystkim wstającym matkom. I jak najwięcej przespanych nocy 🙂

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