Kryzys, Dawid i ja

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Przeżyłam mój pierwszy, prawdziwy, spontaniczny kryzys macierzyństwa. W ubiegłym tygodniu. Jednego ranka, kiedy Dawid w ataku krzyku otwierał usta tak szeroko, że mogłam podziwiać jego żołądek, dopadł mnie. Przyszedł wraz z żałosnym westchnięciem, ramiona opadły, zaraz za nimi głowa. Stało się. Dół, istny kanion. Popatrzyłam na to moje mokre od potu, płaczu, śliny i ulewania dziecko i pomyślałam – „Niech go ktoś ode mnie weźmie, błagam.”

Dzień upłynął pod znakiem zmęczenia i marudzenia. Mojego, no i Dawida. Tak się akurat szczęśliwie zdarzyło, że D. przez dwa dni wracał z pracy około 23:00, co oczywiście bardzo korzystnie wpłynęło na moje samopoczucie, jak można się domyślić. Parę razy podchodziłam do mojego jęczącego dziecka, kiedy to po dwóch minutach w samotności podnosił lament i patrzyłam na niego z rezygnacją. „O co ci chodzi? Powiedz! Wykończyć matkę chcesz?” Na twarzy potomka w takich momentach pojawia się zdziwienie. Po zdziwieniu przeważnie następuje uśmiech. Mój kryzys więc mijał, na jakieś pół godziny. Mijał i wracał, ze zdwojoną siłą.

Nie ma takiej możliwości, żeby kobieta cały czas leciała na poporodowym haju. Kiedyś te tygodnie przerywanego snu, godziny słuchania jęków i niezliczona ilość razy, kiedy już nie wiesz, jak sprawić, by polepszyć nastrój płaczącego jegomościa, muszą dać się we znaki. Bo żadna z nas nie jest robokopem. Przynajmniej ja nie jestem. Końcówka ciąży zazwyczaj jest już ciężka, później poród, dochodzenie do siebie po porodzie, kolki, żale, stresy, nikt nie pyta się, czy masz siłę wstać w nocy i nakarmić dziecko, szczególnie jak karmisz piersią. Ciężkie to jest, choć opłacone wszystkim, co dostajemy od dziecka. Pierwszym uśmiechem, tym, jak się rozwija, tym, jak na ciebie patrzy. Mimo to, przyszedł taki moment, że wydawało mi się, że sił brak. Chęci chyba też. „Niech go ktoś weźmie, choć na chwilę” – kołatało w głowie parę razy dziennie, mimo miłości do syna ogromnej.

I wtedy przyszło wesele. Około 21:00, podszedł do mnie brat pana młodego. „O jaki cudny chłopiec”, „Jaka z was super rodzinka”. „Tititit maluszku, jakie ty masz włoski” i tak dalej. D. wziął Młodego i poszedł do pokoju hotelowego, a ja kończyłam jeść. Wtedy ten sam brat zapytał: „Ale to nie jest wasze jedyne dziecko?”. Odpowiedź była prosta -„Nie, no chcemy mieć dwójkę przynajmniej”. No i dalsza część rozmowy.

– No ale Dawid nie jest jedyny?

– Kiedyś będzie miał rodzeństwo, tak za rok może pomyślimy. Nie jestem w ciąży teraz

– Nie, nie, mi chodzi o to, że on nie jest pierwszy

Nie mówię wszystkim o tym, że w ciąży byłam dwa razy. Nie jest to temat na wesele, na pewno nie. Ale kiedy ktoś pyta, to co innego.

– Tak, byłam wcześniej w ciąży, ale straciliśmy tamto dziecko

– No właśnie, bo my też, ostatnio, w piątym miesiącu.

I pokorniejesz. W trzy sekundy zapomniałam o tym, że kiedykolwiek marudziłam, że jestem śpiąca, dziecko płacze, wymiociny mam już wszędzie, a kręgosłup boli jak cholera. Brat pana młodego sprowadził mnie na ziemię. Wróciłam.

– „Na badaniach prenatalnych dowiedzieliśmy się, że jest źle. Ale z takimi wadami da się żyć. Nie chcieliśmy usuwać ciąży. Pojechaliśmy na urlop, pokazaliśmy mu Polskę i stwierdziliśmy, że teraz możemy wracać. Na kolejnej kontroli serce już nie biło.”

Mój kryzys to było gówno. Nic. Rzućcie się na mnie teraz proszę wszyscy, którzy sądzicie, że bycie matką jest takie ciężkie, że płacz i zgrzytanie zębów, i jak to kiedyś ktoś napisał w komentarzach „Nie odbieraj mi prawa, by się pożalić”. Źle czuć się może każdy, zmęczony może być każdy, ale wystarczy, że pomyślę, że Dawida mogłoby nie być i to wszystko przechodzi. Najlepsze lekarstwo. Bo doskonale pamiętam, jak bardzo bałam się, że nigdy tego zmęczenia nie doświadczę. Tyle w temacie, nie ma co się rozpisywać.

Kiedyś odeśpię, kiedyś odpocznę, to nie jest ważne. Ważne, że mam kogoś, kto mnie tak męczy. Ważne, że mam kogo przytulać, gdy płacze i wycierać, gdy się pobrudzi. Codziennie rodzice przeżywają swoje tragedie, tracą dzieci. Codziennie kobiety wylewają morza łez. I nie mają tych małych rączek, które mogłyby je pocieszyć. W pokoju obok nie śpi dziecko, które o 3:47 w nocy obdarzy je najpiękniejszym, najbardziej beztroskim uśmiechem pod słońcem, a o 16:27 obdarzy je niekontrolowanym wypryskiem śliny na nową bluzkę. I cierpią. Więc wstaję w nocy i jak zombi i idę do pokoju Dawida, bez kryzysu. Bo mam dziecko, zdrowe, więc nagle zdaję sobie sprawę, że tak naprawdę nie mam zmartwieć, bo wszystko inne jest do przejścia. Rano, o 5.50 patrzę na niego, bez doła, bez marudzenia. Bo jest. I nic innego nie ma znaczenia.

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