Widzę CIĘ

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Przychodzi w życiu każdej mamy taki dzień, kiedy dostaje pierwsze świadome spojrzenie swojego dziecka. Ten pierwszy raz, kiedy małe oczka otwierają się, rozglądają i zatrzymują na twojej twarzy z lekkim zaciekawieniem, zdziwieniem, może niedowierzaniem. Rozmazana plama, którą do tej pory byłaś, nabiera kształtu. Podobnie jak całe otoczenie, które nagle zaczyna ciekawić. Dosłownie z poniedziałku na wtorek, dziecko zaczyna zauważać świat, jakby ktoś w nocy dotknął je czarodziejską różdżką, zdjął klapki z oczu i podarował wzrok.

Nagle tryb dnia zmienia się. Potomek nadal dyktuje warunki, jednak do jedzenia, spania i brudzenia pieluch, dochodzi teraz rozglądanie się. Jak pięknie jest obserwować taką zmianę. Pierwsze oznaki świadomości, które nagle zagościły w dziecięcych oczach.

Te oczy z dnia na dzień są coraz bardziej otwarte. Coraz bardziej, coraz dłużej. Wszystko, co bardzo kontrastowe, budzi zaciekawienie. Czarne kropki na białej poduszce, ciemnobrązowa futryna w zestawieniu ze ścianą, ciemna ramka na zdjęcia. No i oczywiście światło i wszystko co miga, mruga i błyszczy. Taaaakie oczy, taaaaakie zdziwienie, no i taaaaaka radość rodziców.

Wraz z widzeniem przyszedł niepokój. Bodźce, jakie nagle zaczęły odbierać maleńkie oczy, namąciły w maleńkiej głowie. Pobudzone widzeniem dziecko na początku jest niespokojne, jeszcze bardziej potrzebuje przytulenia, jeszcze bardziej chce mamy. Nazywane jest to pierwszym skokiem rozwojowym. Mój syn skoczył w tym tygodniu. On skoczył, a ja go złapałam. Łapałam za każdym razem, kiedy szlochał, a nie wiadomo było, o co chodzi i wtedy, kiedy pięćdziesiąta dziewiąta próba odłożenia do łóżeczka kończyła się żalem i wyrzutem na jego małej twarzy, jakby mówił: „Mamo, tyle dziwnych rzeczy dookoła się pojawiło, a ty mnie tu zostawiasz samego?”  Skacz nadal syneczku, ja też cię widzę i złapię również następnym razem.

Widzę moje dziecko. Obserwuję. Bo każdy dzień przynosi coś nowego. Widzę jego małe stopy, które niezdarnie wierzgają w powietrzu. Widzę malutkie dłonie, wyrzucane odruchowo w powietrze w pierwotnym odruchu. Widzę ziewnięcia, które rozczulają i nieświadome uśmiechy, które cieszą tak, jakby dziecko naprawdę kierowało je w moją stronę. Widzę moje dziecko codziennie i to niesamowite, jak szybko się zmienia, jak rośnie. Patrzę więc i łapię te momenty, bo on już nigdy nie będzie taki mały.

Widzę cię synku. I widzę, że ty widzisz. Patrzymy tak sobie na siebie, poznajemy się i powiem Wam, piękny to czas. Patrzę więc nawet teraz, zamiast spać, zamiast łapać energię, patrzę jak śpi i kocham ten widok. Będę tak patrzeć, bo oszalałam kompletnie i dopiero teraz pojęłam, że patrzenie na kogoś, może być aż tak uzależniające.

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