Ten jeden dzień

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21 kwiecień. Ważna data. Dla mnie. Dla D. Dla nas. W zeszłym roku, dokładnie 21 kwietnia, snułam się po szpitalnym korytarzu pełna żalu i strachu, modląc się, by mieć już za sobą koszmar poronienia. Po około czterech miesiącach mój ginekolog wyznaczył datę 21 kwietnia, jako termin porodu w drugiej ciąży. Dokładnie rok po tym wszystkim, co nas spotkało, dokładnie rok po przerobieniu całej gamy uczuć związanych ze stratą, staraniami i kolejną ciążą, siedzę w mieszkaniu, co jakiś czas zaglądając do jednego pokoju. Pokoju, w którym opatulony w rożek z uśmiechniętą zebrą, leży w swoim łóżeczku mój syn. Mój cud. Mój dowód na to, że może być dobrze, może być cudownie, mimo że rok temu wydawało się to niemożliwe. 21 kwiecień. Ten jeden dzień.

W ubiegłym roku słońce świeciło tak samo jak dzisiaj, było tak samo pogodnie i przyjemnie. Ludzie w ten sam sposób chodzili chodnikami, ciesząc się pierwszymi promieniami wiosny. Dla mnie wtedy nie świeciło słońce. Byłam zła, że świeci, bo nie pasowało do mojego smutku. Dzisiaj jest zupełnie inaczej. Strach i ból zostały zastąpione przez zupełnie inne uczucia. Uczucia, które pojawiają się za każdym razem, kiedy popatrzę na moje dziecko. Do samego końca ciąży, do momentu, kiedy położono mi go na piersi, bałam się uwierzyć, że się uda. Na początku bałam się przyzwyczaić do ciąży, żeby znowu tak nie cierpieć w razie niepowodzenia. Później, z każdym miesiącem, z każdym ruchem, wierzyłam bardziej, ale strach był nieodłączny. Bo przecież nigdy nie wiesz, co się stanie. Bałam się chichotu  losu, który odbiera mi to, w co w końcu uwierzyłam. Parę dni przed porodem obsesyjnie sprawdzałam ruchy, czytałam każdy znak. „Jestem już tak blisko” – myślałam – „Boże, niech wszystko będzie dobrze”.

Kiedy podczas cesarskiego cięcia lekarz powiedział, że mały właściwie wyskoczył pośladkami z brzucha, zapytałam, czy ładne te pośladki. „Pośladki niczego sobie, całkiem ładne pośladki” – usłyszałam. Nagle pielęgniarka odsłoniła parawan i mój ginekolog pokazał mi dziecko, małe, zwinięte w kłębek. „Miał być chłopak?” – zapytał i uśmiechnął się. „Tak, chłopak” – powiedziałam i patrzyłam, jak mojego synka zabierają na badania. Był cały mały, mokry, w oczy rzuciły mi się nieproporcjonalnie wielkie w porównaniu do reszty ciała jajka i burza włosów na małej głowie. No i ten grymas na twarzy. Zdziwienie, żal, co do cholery się dzieje? Kiedy zszywano mnie po cięciu, powstrzymywałam się od płaczu. Zaraz po wyjęciu młody wydał z siebie okrzyk niezadowolenia, jednak to mi nie wystarczyło. „Oddycha?” – zapytałam znajomej anestezjolog. „Tak, oddycha, wszystko dobrze”. Nie mogłam uspokoić oddechu, z radości, ze wzruszenia i z chęci dowiedzenia się, czy na pewno wszystko dobrze. „52 centymetry, 3550 gramów” – zakomunikowała pani, która weszła na salę. „Słyszała pani, pani Aniu?”. Tak, słyszałam, czyli jest, czyli jeżeli przyszła i powiedziała, to jest dobrze.

Kiedy wieźli mnie szpitalnym korytarzem do sali poporodowej, D. podszedł do łóżka i uśmiechnął się. „Jest? Widziałeś go już?” – zapytałam – „Wszystko dobrze?” „Jest i jest piękny” – powiedział D. Na sali czekaliśmy około 30 minut. Kiedy zostaliśmy sami łzy same popłynęły. Bo już po wszystkim. Koniec ciąży. Udało się, urodziłam go. A tak się bałam. Urodziłam go i czas, który zdarzył się rok temu odczarował się. Nie zniknął, ale przestał już straszyć. „Urodziłam go, wszystko jest dobrze” – tylko to miałam w głowie, kiedy czekałam na swoje dziecko.

Przywieźli go dosyć szybko. Pielęgniarka wyjęła ze szpitalnego wózka spokojne zawiniątko i położyła mi na piersi. Dawid swoimi małymi ustami komunikował światu, że chce jeść, wydymając je w przedziwny sposób. Oczy miał jeszcze jakby poklejone, jednak lewe próbował na siłę otworzyć. Szybki oddech, który czułam, kiedy tak na mnie leżał, działał uspokajająco. Po przystawieniu do piersi mały człowiek zaczął ssać i kończąc tym samym erę ciążowego pasożytnictwa, rozpoczął nowy etap. Dla siebie, dla mnie, dla D. Mamy syna.

Moje życie z Dawidem dopiero się rozpoczęło. Od 10 dni cieszę się nim, wzruszam, kiedy na niego patrzę. Czasem patrzę na niego z niedowierzaniem, sprawdzam, czy jest. Głaszczę jego główkę obdarzoną burzą czarnych włosów i czuję ulgę i szczęście. Dzisiaj, 21 kwietnia płaczę, tylko z zupełnie innego powodu niż rok temu. Bo ciąża po poronieniu skończyła się szczęśliwie. Bo z tej ciąży mam zdrowego syna, który daje mi tyle pozytywnej energii i szczęścia. Bo rok temu, po powrocie ze szpitala, obsesyjnie szukałam w Internecie takiej informacji – że to jest możliwe i ludziom się to udaje. Nadal jestem jedną na trzy, nigdy nie przestanę być, ale dołączyłam też do drugiego klubu – jestem mamą zdrowego, pięknego chłopca.

Jeśli szukasz więc gdzieś pozytywnych przykładów na macierzyństwo po stracie, ja jestem takim przykładem. Nikt nie da Ci gwarancji, nikt nie zapewni, bo nikt nie wie, ale jest to możliwe. 21 kwiecień, okrągły rok, ten jeden dzień, tak różna rzeczywistość.

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