O burzy czarno-białych poglądów – czyli nowela antyaborcyjna w oczach kobiety po przejściach

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Oburza mnie. Mnie, jako kobietę, jako matkę oczekującą, jako kogoś, kto przeżył poronienie i lęk o losy kolejnej ciąży. Oburza mnie to, co dzieje się wokół nowelizacji ustawy o planowaniu rodziny, ochronie płodu ludzkiego i warunkach dopuszczalności przerywania ciąży, zwanej powszechnie ustawą antyaborcyjną. Oburzają mnie zapisy nowelizacji, nieumiejętność zrozumienia drugiej strony, ale również to całe polityczne zamieszanie, które powoduje, że dyskusja na tak ważny temat, staje się polem do kalkulacji, ile dana opcja polityczna może stracić lub zyskać, w zależności od tego, po której stronie się opowie. Oburza mnie machina, która ruszyła, gdy tylko na tapecie pojawiło się słowo „aborcja”. Oburza, bo kiedy googlując ten temat przeglądam poszczególne artykuły, w głowie pojawia mi się jeden obraz – dwie strony barykady, po jednej stoi dziecko, płód, embrion, w zależności od tego, kto nazywa, a po drugiej kobieta. Za nimi, naprzeciwko siebie, krzyczący, wymachujący przeróżnymi transparentami, nienawistny tłum, który tylko czeka, aż podniesie się szlaban i będzie można rzucić się do walki. Walki na śmierć i życie. Jedni za dziecko, które ma prawo żyć, drudzy za kobietę, która ma prawo o tym życiu decydować. Problem polega jednak na tym, że obserwując ich dłużej, można mieć wrażenie, że rzucając się do tego ataku, zgniatają to, o co walczą. Znika dziecko, znika matka. O ich losach decydują obcy ludzie, którzy uważają, że wiedzą, co dla nich najlepsze. Zostaje tylko nienawiść, polityka, walka społeczeństwa z klerem, kleru ze społeczeństwem i społeczeństwa ze społeczeństwem. I strach. Mój strach. Strach, że o sprawie tak ciężkiej i skomplikowanej dyskutuje się, jakby wszystko było albo czarne, albo białe. A tutaj akurat najważniejsze są odcienie szarości.

W całej tej sytuacji kluczowe są dla mnie trzy rzeczy. Po pierwsze, sposób dyskusji o początku człowieka – czy to w jajowodzie, czy w macicy, czy na porodówce się dzieje no i czyja racja jest tą właściwą, bo dwóch racji nie ma, prawda? Po drugie, wykorzystywanie tematu do walki politycznej. Po trzecie, narzucanie własnych poglądów, zarówno jednej, jak i drugiej strony. Jedynych właściwych poglądów, w opinii narzucających.

Zastanawiam się czasem, jak mogę mieć w głowie tak sprzeczne podejście do tematu. Ja, która dokładnie rok temu dowiedziałam się, że noszone przeze mnie dziecko przestało się rozwijać, że ciąża obumarła, że trzeba ją zakończyć. Właśnie – to było moje dziecko, tak uważam. Przestało się rozwijać w 10 tygodniu ciąży, więc według wielu osób jeszcze nim nie było. Niejednokrotnie, unosząc się na blogu z powodu natarczywego udowadniania mi przez niektórych internautów, że płód straciłam, a nie dziecko, rozpisywałam się na temat momentu, od którego stajemy się człowiekiem. Twardo bronię tego, że dla mnie to nie był tylko płód i proszę wszystkich, którzy za punkt honoru stawiają sobie udowodnienie mi, że nie mam racji, żeby już dali sobie spokój. Jednocześnie popieram in vitro. Uważam, że ograniczenie parom dostępu do tej metody jest okrutne i niesprawiedliwe. Uważam, że tłumaczenie bezpłodnej kobiecie, że taka wola Boga i może pomoże psycholog albo picie naparu z fusów, zmieszanych z płatkami bławatka i robienie mężowi naparu z tymianku, a przecież adopcja też jest fajna, jest chore i zacofane. Myślę, że pary korzystające z in vitro, często mają w głowie to, że gdzieś tam, w zamrażarce, czekają ich zapłodnione komórki, które nie zostały wybrane do transferu. Że gdyby taką komórkę wybrać, mogłaby właśnie teraz być ich dzieckiem. Nie wszystkie pary, ale część na pewno. Taki pogląd nie powinien przekreślać ich możliwości posiadania własnego dziecka,  stworzonego z niej i niego, noszonego u niej pod sercem i przez nią urodzonego. I nikt nie powinien stać im nad głową i tłuc, jakie to niezgodne z naturą i jak to sumienia nie mają. Nie powinien, bo skoro obecnie medycyna daje taką możliwość, to trzeba z tego cudu korzystać, a nie wykrzykiwać nienawistne hasła i wchodzić ludziom z butami do łóżka tłumacząc, co im się należy, a co nie. Te pary, przechodząc całe leczenie, które ma miejsce w przypadku bezpłodności, przeżywają już wystarczający koszmar, zmagają się z wystarczającymi dylematami. Zostawcie ich już, cieszcie się swoją płodnością, jak nie, to adoptujcie, ale zostawcie ich już.

Idąc tym samym tokiem rozumowania, ja, głaszcząca rok temu pusty brzuch w rozpaczy po stracie dziecka, które powinno tam być, a już go nie było, czuję się zażenowana i w głowie mi się nie mieści, jak można w Polsce, wolnym kraju, wprowadzić całkowity zakaz aborcji. Moja ciąża obumarła sama, bez konsultacji ze mną. Nikt nie pytał, czy chcę łyżeczkowania, czy nie. Ani dziecko, ani lekarz, ani ówczesny rząd, ani proboszcz. Organizm zdecydował, dziecko się nie rozwinęło, decyzja podjęła się sama. O obumarciu dowiedziałam się w 12 tygodniu ciąży, na umówionym USG, kiedy to pan doktor miał mierzyć przezierność. Zamiast informacji o stopniu prawdopodobieństwa wystąpienia chorób genetycznych, otrzymałam informację, że nie ma tętna, że już po ciąży, że trzeba usunąć. Ani ja, ani ojciec dziecka, nie musieliśmy decydować o tym, czy robić dalsze badania, czy jak dziecko będzie chore, to chcę je urodzić. Natura zadecydowała za nas. I nikt inny nie miał prawa za nas tej decyzji podjąć, natura to jedyna dopuszczalna opcja-jeżeli decyzja musiała by zostać podjęta, podjęlibyśmy ją my, jako rodzice. Nikt inny. Nie rząd, nie ksiądz, który (o ile wytrzymuje w celibacie jak Pan Bóg, a raczej Kościół przykazał), nie ma pojęcia, o jakie emocje chodzi, nie pan z organizacji pro life, ani rozwrzeszczana feministka. Tak naprawdę jestem wdzięczna, że moja ciąża obumarła sama, bo naprawdę, uwierzcie mi, mimo, że dla mnie to już było dziecko, nie wiem, co bym zrobiła, gdybym ja musiała o tym decydować. Jestem również wdzięczna, że w ciąży, którą właśnie kończę, nie otrzymałam informacji, że dziecko może być chore. Wyniki badań, pomiary, wszystko w normie. Za tydzień nasz syn powinien być z nami i mam nadzieję, że będzie cały i zdrowy. A co do tych wszystkich kobiet, które nie miały takiego szczęścia i musiały decydować? Współczuję, naprawdę, nawet nie potrafię sobie tego wyobrazić. A kobiety, które w dopuszczalnych aktualnie przypadkach decydują się na usunięcie ciąży – naprawdę myślicie, że robią to bez jednego mrugnięcia? Naprawdę są według was złe i wyrodne?

I to są właśnie te odcienie szarości. Dylematy ludzi wierzących, którzy od zobaczenia różowej kreski na teście ciążowym pokochali swoje dziecko, a później okazuje się ono być tak chore, że po urodzeniu może cierpieć przy każdym oddechu. Szarość w głowie dziewczyny, która została skrzywdzona i teraz ktoś nakazuje jej w czarno-biały sposób podejść do tematu rozwijającej się w niej ciąży. Szarość, która pojawi się w życiu rodziny kobiety, która utrzymując ciążę zabije siebie.

Dlaczego tak łatwo napisać komuś nowelkę ustawy, która mówi, że nie masz prawa decydować? Bo poglądy większości parlamentarnej, przebicie organizacji broniących życie u ekipy rządzącej i pozycja kleru w Polsce jest taka, a nie inna? Nazwijcie mnie hipokrytką, ale naprawdę uważam, że dotychczasowy kompromis aborcyjny w naszym państwie był dobry. W uzasadnionych przypadkach możesz skorzystać z prawa do aborcji. Możesz, nie musisz. Jeżeli twoje poglądy, wiara, sumienie, nie pozwalają ci na to, to nie korzystaj. Masz prawo donosić ciążę, urodzić chore dziecko, lub dziecko poczęte z gwałtu. Jeżeli jesteś wystarczająco silna, możesz to zrobić. Jeżeli uważasz, że tak jest lepiej, że nie masz prawa podejmować decyzji o usunięciu ciąży, jeżeli twoja psychika jest w stanie udźwignąć noszenie i wychowanie dziecka poczętego w skutek traumatycznego przeżycia, lub urodzenie dziecka, które zaraz po porodzie umrze, to masz do tego prawo. Jeżeli donoszeniem ciąży chcesz ryzykować własne życie, zrób to, bo możesz i nikt poza tobą nie powinien tego oceniać. Jednak nie można zabrać prawa do decyzji kobietom, które czują inaczej. Bo ten kraj póki co jest wolny.

Żeby nie było, druga strona nie lepsza. Ilość macic, pokazujących środkowy palec, który krzyczy do mnie ze zdjęć na portalach społecznościowych, jest dla mnie sygnałem, że praktycznie wszyscy dali się ponieść fali nienawistnej dyskusji. Ile z tych postujących osób zadało sobie trud, by przeczytać założenia nowej ustawy, albo faktycznie usiąść i się nad tym wszystkim chwilę zastanowić? Tak na spokojnie, z powagą, której wymaga ten temat? Czy tylko wykrzykujemy hasła w obronie kobiet, wykorzystując temat do dania upustu swoim frustracjom i przelewając w odmęty Internetu hasła o wolności naszych macic i jajników powoli zapominamy już, jak poważna jest sprawa, o której się dyskutuje?

Ja nie nakazuję osobie, która poroniła ciążę myśleć, że straciła dziecko. Jeżeli ktoś uważa, że to jeszcze nie było dziecko, to ma do tego prawo i ja nie stoję i nie udowadniam, że jest inaczej. Nie pozwolę jednak, by mi wmawiano swoje poglądy i przekonania. To samo dotyczy sprawy aborcji. Nie jestem liberałem, który głosi totalnie wolnościowe podejście do przerywania ciąży. Nie uważam, żeby dobre było to, że w niektórych krajach usuwanie wczesnej ciąży staje się powoli metodą antykoncepcji, a tabletki wczesnoporonne są powszechniejsze w użyciu, niż prezerwatywy. Jednak całkowity zakaz? Narzucenie komuś swoich poglądów, jako lepszych, mimo że to może totalnie zmienić czyjeś życie? Wywody pana w garniturze, jak to kolejka czeka, aż urodzisz i oddasz, a zresztą, może jak urodzisz, to pokochasz i nie będziesz chciała oddawać, a chore dzieci mają prawo żyć, a ty masz obowiązek swoje życie dla nich poświęcić…czy to jest normalne? Nie mogę tego słuchać. I zazwyczaj mówią to ludzie, którzy nigdy z problemem się nie zetknęli, którzy przepisując bezmyślnie paragrafy ustaw, zgubili gdzieś empatię i zrozumienie dla drugiego człowieka. No i oczywiście w swojej miłości do życia poczętego, liczą głosy wyborców, kalkulują korzyści. W całej tej abstrakcyjnej, nakręconej przez media paplaninie trzeba pamiętać, że to, o czym mowa, może kiedyś dotknąć ciebie, albo twoją córkę, przyjaciółkę, siostrę. Do wszystkich więc narzucających i nawracających – jesteście pewni, że nie nagniecie swoich poglądów? Bo życie nie jest czarno-białe, więc przestańcie się do cholery zachowywać, jakby było.

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