Kto mnie czeka?

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36 tydzień ciąży. Końcówka. Coraz częściej człowieka dopada świadomość, że to już, że blisko, że za chwilę. Stojąc ostatnio pod prysznicem trzymałam się za brzuch. Syn poruszył się leniwie, przeciągając swoje małe kończyny i rozpychając tym samym matczyne wnętrze. Pod dłonią poczułam coś małego i twardego, stopa, albo dłoń, ciężko stwierdzić. Nagle, praktycznie w 36 tygodniu ciąży, przestraszyłam się. Tam jest człowiek, mały człowiek. Niby przez całą ciążę zdawałam sobie z tego sprawę, ale jakby się tak poważniej zastanowić, to chyba tak do końca, do kiedy go nie zobaczę, ciężko mi to ogarnąć moim małym, ciążowym umysłem.

Codzienne falowania brzucha to ostatnio jedna z moich ulubionych atrakcji. Mój syn urządza pokazy tańca i akrobacji. Zazwyczaj na pokazie jestem sama, przy większej publice śmiałość dziecka spada i ruchy są ledwo widoczne. Tak naprawdę wystarczy, że powiem do kogoś „Popatrz na to”, a brzuch nagle przestaje się ruszać. Łaskawy jest tylko dla swojego ojca, on ma okazję poczuć pod ręką to wiercenie. W sumie słusznie, jeszcze się nawystępuje w życiu. To właśnie podczas falowań najczęściej zastanawiam się, jakie jest moje dziecko. To właśnie kiedy widzę, że brzuch zmienia kształt w sposób umożliwiający wyobrażenie sobie, jaką czynność wykonał właśnie pierworodny, najbardziej dociera do mnie, że on tam naprawdę jest i mam nadzieję, że już niedługo będzie tu ze mną.

Jaki jest? Czy jest zdrowy? Czy wszystko z nim dobrze? Przecież na tym etapie ciąży wygląda już tak, jak będzie wyglądał po urodzeniu. Jak słodkie są te małe, kopiące stópki? Tu ma pupę? Od mojego dziecka dzieli mnie zaledwie parę centymetrów. Trochę skóry, trochę tkanki…jest tak blisko, jest wyczuwalne. Dlaczego więc to wszystko wydaje mi się takie nieprawdopodobne i odległe? Przecież czuję jego ruchy, widzę je. Parę centymetrów, kilka tygodni, już za moment będę mogła go dotknąć. Już za moment się zobaczymy.

Mój syn rośnie sobie we mnie. Ostatnio czuję spokój, jestem wyciszona. Myślałam, że pod koniec będę wariować, a tu niespodziewanie przyszło do mnie wyciszenie. Trzymam rękę na skaczącym brzuchu, „Ty mały koczkodanku” – myślę sobie przy kolejnym, mocniejszym kopnięciu – „Co ty tam kombinujesz?”. Czy dziecko czuje mój spokój? Czy kiedy się urodzi pozna mój głos? I bicie mojego serca? Wiem, że wszyscy mówią, że tak, ale chciałabym być pewna. Przeszliśmy razem przez te wszystkie tygodnie, w radości, lękach, szczęściu, zmęczeniu…to już prawie koniec. Myśl ta jest jednocześnie kojąca, jak i niepokojąca.

Kto mnie czeka? Jakie jest moje dziecko? Jaki człowiek chowa się pod paroma centymetrami tkanki? Czy niedługo te kopiące stopy będę leżeć obok mnie w łóżku? Czy naprawdę będę mogła przytulać do siebie tę główkę, która tak bardzo czasem wystaje, że mam wrażenie, że praktycznie trzymam ją w dłoni? Nadal nie chcę, żeby się spieszył, niech siedzi sobie w środku, póki nie będzie gotowy do wyjścia. Czekam, cierpliwie i z nadzieją. I naprawdę zdaję sobie sprawę, że tam jest dziecko. I naprawdę uwierzę i zrozumiem to dopiero, kiedy dostanę go w ramiona. Kocham cię syneczku. Cierpliwie niecierpliwie, świadoma, a jednocześnie przerażona swoim nieprzygotowaniem, czekam.

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