Nieświadomym w ciąży lepiej

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W ciąży po poronieniu jest jedna rzecz, która spędza mi sen z powiek. Jedna rzecz, która burzy mi szczęście i spokój, potrafi wyprowadzić z równowagi i zburzyć długo wypracowywaną umiejętność pozytywnego myślenia. Męczy i dręczy, zasłaniając zdrowemu rozsądkowi napis „Wejście”, przez co ten gubi się i często nie może odnaleźć do mnie drogi. Ta rzecz to świadomość.

Czy w pierwszej ciąży byłam nieświadoma? Na pewno mniej niż teraz. Bo takie przeżycie na trwałe zostaje w pamięci, burzy ten cukierkowo beztroski obraz ciąży, gdzie jedną z większych bolączek jest ilość przybieranych kilogramów, czy też: „żeby tylko nie miało twojego nosa”. To świadomość nie pozwala się cieszyć do końca, bo przecież nigdy tak naprawdę nie możemy być pewni co się stanie. Nie chcąc popadać w paranoję, staram się odcinać od takich myśli i naśladować kobiety, które potrafią ciążę przejść bez większych histerii, nie serwując własnym dzieciom codziennej dawki adrenaliny.

Moje dziecko lubi się nade mną poznęcać. Poniedziałek, wypoczęte po weekendzie, daje popis akrobacji od wczesnych godzin porannych (które na upartego można by jeszcze zakwalifikować jako późne godziny nocne, ale to już kwestia nazewnictwa, nie będę się czepiać). Wtorek, budzę się, szybkie spojrzenie na zegarek – 08:30. Dziecko jeszcze śpi? Godzina 09:00 – ręka ląduje na brzuchu – tak całą noc spało? „Poruszaj się trochę, daj znak i śpij nadal”. Znak jest, łagodny, jak muśnięcie, ale jest. I tak cały dzień, leniwie, praktycznie bezruchowo. Nadchodzi wieczór, parę mocniejszych kopnięć po 23:00. Środa to samo, jakby go nie było. Zaczyna się moja paranoja, więc budzę syna. Co za matka…Trzęsę delikatnie brzuchem, kładę rękę po prawej stronie, bo na to zawsze reaguje. Dobra, kopie…znowu to zrobiłam. Znowu uległam lękom i pozwoliłam, by strach wziął górę. Przepraszam cię dziecko, już nie będę…przynajmniej się postaram.

Nie obrażając nikogo, znam kilka naprawdę nieświadomych matek. Takich, dla których zajście w ciążę było od początku równoznaczne z urodzeniem zdrowego, pampuśnego bobaska. Takich, które po zobaczeniu na usg pęcherzyka ciążowego stwierdziły, że „już wszystko jest”. Przeszły one ciążę bęzlękowo, praktycznie się na niej nie skupiając. Ja tak nie potrafiłam. W pierwszej ciąży było jeszcze w miarę, ale w drugiej…do 12 tygodnia to naprawdę paranoja, później już spokojniej, ale również nie do końca normalnie. Za dużo przeczytałam, za dużo się dowiedziałam i sama doświadczyłam…to właśnie ta świadomość, której wcześniej nie było. Bo doświadczenie uświadamia. Dlatego wolałabym być nieświadoma i radośnie twierdzić, że po 12 tygodniu to już w ogóle nic nie może się stać. Wcześniej myślałam, że strach minie po przekroczeniu granicy, kiedy straciłam poprzednią ciążę. Trochę minął, ale nie do końca i powiem szczerze, że mam do siebie o to czasem pretensje, bo ile można? Nie każdy dzień tak wygląda, ale wcześniejsze przeżycia połączone z burzą hormonów i wyżej opisanymi leniwymi momentami mojego syna…no wtedy to już naprawdę modlę się, żeby czas minął szybko, młody wyskoczył na zewnątrz cały i zdrowy i nie będę musiała potrząsać brzuchem żeby przekonać się, że nic mu nie jest.

Oczywiście nie trzeba poronić, by to wszystko wiedzieć. Tak naprawdę ciąża wydawała mi się beztroska, dopóki w nią nie zaszłam i nie zobaczyłam, jak bardzo może nam zależeć, by wszystko było dobrze i jak bardzo można się o to lękać. Tak było w pierwszej ciąży, kiedy nie przeżyłam jeszcze takiej straty. W tej jest to po prostu nasilone.

Świadomość. Świadomość, że tak naprawdę nie mam na wiele rzeczy wpływu, co jest najgorsze, bo bezsilność jest najgorsza. Świadomość uspokajana łagodnymi kopniakami dziecka w leniwy dzień i zagłuszana całkiem w dzień jego aktywności. Świadomość, która na początku ciąży sprawiła, że funkcjonowałam od wizyty do wizyty i uzależniłam się od oglądania dziecka na usg. Moja zmora, i zmora synowa również, bo to ona kierując moją ręką budzi go z fazy REM, w którą podobno od jakiegoś czasu już zapada. Coś czuję, że jeżeli syn jest tak pamiętliwy, jak jego ojciec, odbije sobie to na mnie, kiedy już szczęśliwie pojawi się na świecie (potwierdzone przed chwilą radosnym, wyraźnie nie leniwym kopniakiem 😉 )

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