Ciąża – nie marudź, doceń

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Jesteś w ciąży. Cudownie, prawda? Cieszysz się? Tak? Ale bardzo źle się czujesz? Śpisz na okrągło, chodzisz nabuzowana, wszystko cię boli? No i te wymioty…a jak nie wymioty, to mdłości…przerąbane. Biedna kobieto, znosząca te wszystkie niedogodności, cierpiąca katusze i wypisująca na forach internetowych, jaka ta ciąża zła i okropna, jak już nie możesz wytrzymać i jaki to straszny koszmar cię spotkał – ogarnij się, bo nie wiesz, co mówisz.

Objawy w pierwszym trymestrze dawały mi się we znaki. Mdłości, bez względu na to, czy byłam głodna, czy się najadłam, senność, straszny ból pleców, właściwie od samego początku uniemożliwiający normalne wstawanie. Rozkojarzenie, rozchwianie emocjonalne, które chwilami robi ze mnie potwora. Krwawiące, spuchnięte dziąsła, podrażnione sutki, bomby hormonalne, które przez chwilę zdobiły moją twarz. Zadyszka jak u mojej babci, gdy wchodzę po schodach. Zaczęły mi przeszkadzać rzeczy, które wcześniej lubiłam. Od samego patrzenia na ukochaną jajecznicę, robiło mi się słabo. To już nie jest jajecznica, to obrzydliwa, śmierdząca papka z jajek. Później miało być lepiej, jednak wcale nie poczułam cudownego przypływu mocy w drugim trymestrze. Miłość do jajecznicy również nie wróciła. Kończę 18 tydzień ciąży i nie nazwałabym ostatnich tygodni miesiącem miodowym tego stanu. Senność jest nadal, plecy bolą jeszcze bardziej i bez plastrów odciążających naprawdę ciężko spać w nocy. Upławy są tak mocne, że zamiast wkładki, czasem lepiej założyć podpaskę, więc wygoda to żadna. Oprócz tego brzuch zaczyna rosnąć, skóra się rozciąga i niepokojąco, a przede wszystkim okrutnie wkurzająco swędzi, rodząc w głowie wizję wszechobecnych rozstępów. To wszystko nic, bo tak naprawdę brzuch jest jeszcze na tyle mały, że nie uniemożliwia normalnego funkcjonowania. Niedługo noc przespana w wygodnej pozycji, szybkie zawiązanie butów, czy tak trywialna czynność, jak depilacja, zaczną być problemem. I wiecie co? Nie ma problemu. Czekam na to, bo to  będzie znaczyć, że moje dziecko się rozwija i nadal jestem w ciąży. I za każdym razem, kiedy coś mi przeszkadza, męczy i jest mi źle, przypominam sobie, ile jest na świecie kobiet, które zamieniłyby się ze mną i wzięły te moje wszystkie męki z pocałowaniem w rękę. To jest mój sposób na uciążliwe, ciążowe dolegliwości. Wiem co mówię, bo jeszcze 5 miesięcy temu sama byłam jedną z tych kobiet.

Fakt, ktoś kto powiedział, że ciąża to najwspanialszy czas w życiu kobiety, raczej kobietą nie był. Albo był, tylko po prostu miał to szczęście, że ciążę przebył książkowo i czuł się cudownie. A takich kobiet jest bardzo mało. Wcale nie jest fajnie, a jak ci ktoś mówi, że jest, to albo kłamie, albo faktycznie jest jedną na tysiąc, albo na milion. Czasami jest naprawdę do bani, a będzie pewnie jeszcze gorzej. Kiedy patrzę na moje przyjaciółki kończące ciążę…powiedzmy że rozumiem, o co chodzi, że tak im się spieszy do porodu, a raczej do „po porodzie i po połogu”. Bo niestety dużo z tego, co trzeba znieść by mieć dziecko, to żadna przyjemność. Ale jak mantrę powtarzam, to wszystko da się znieść. Byle tylko z dzieckiem było wszystko dobrze. Dla mnie ciąża to czas nadziei, radości, ale też lęku. Lęku, który budzi w nocy, który przychodzi nagle i nawet kiedy wydaje się być irracjonalny, nie daje się racjonalnie przepędzić. Zwykły katar budzi niepokój, bo gdy pozwolę, by zmienił się w grypę z gorączką, mogę zaszkodzić dziecku. Wszystko co jem, co piję, co robię, na nie wpływa. Moje ciało nie jest już moim ciałem, ono się zmienia, zostaje przejęte i mózg nie zawsze jest w stanie radośnie to przyjąć i zaakceptować. Jednak noszę w sobie dziecko, które kocham całym sercem i najważniejsze dla mnie jest, by rozwijało się zdrowo, by wszystko było dobrze. Jestem za nie odpowiedzialna i na niczym ani na nikim nie zależy mi w tej chwili tak bardzo.

Kończę 18 tydzień ciąży. Na ostatniej wizycie dowiedziałam się, że fikający na ekranie USG człowieczek jest chłopcem, mam syna. W poprzedniej ciąży nie miałam tego szczęścia. Kiedy w 12 tygodniu dowiedziałam się, że u dziecka nie widać tętna, moje serce rozpadło się na tysiące kawałków. I ciężko było je pozbierać. Wielu elementów nadal brakuje. Jednak spotkał mnie drugi cud. Po trzech miesiącach udało mi się ponownie zajść w ciążę, w pierwszym cyklu starań. Drugą ciążę przeżywam inaczej, niż przeżywałam pierwszą. Dojrzalej, świadomiej, ostrożniej. Bo wiem, jak kruche jest to małe życie i jak bolesną pustkę po sobie zostawia.

Dwa miesiące po zabiegu łyżeczkowania spotkałam się ze znajomą, która termin porodu miała wyznaczony dwa tygodnie przede mną. Przyczłapała do restauracji z mężem i swoim wielkim brzuchem. Bałam się tego spotkania. I słusznie. „Ta ciąża to przereklamowany stan, mówię ci, nie ma się do czego spieszyć. To jak się czuję, o matko, nie da się opisać, nawet nie mogę już siedzieć wygodnie. No i człowiek totalnie wypadł z obiegu. Nie dość, że czuję się fatalnie, no po prostu fatalnie, to jeszcze po co mam wychodzić, jak nie można się nawet kieliszka wina napić a wszyscy wokół już pod humorem. A jak kopnie czasem…o matko, coś niemożliwego, mówię ci, korzystaj póki możesz.” No tak, a może się zamienimy co? Ja ci dam mój kieliszek wina, który nagle mi przestał smakować, a ty będziesz tu siedzieć na moim miejscu, bez dziecka, bez tych strasznych niedogodności, pusta i pełna obaw, czy jeszcze kiedyś uda ci się zajść w ciążę i czy będziesz miała szansę te niedogodności znosić…Tak, tak myślę o wszystkich jęczących kobietach, które nadmiernie użalają się nad swoim ciężarnym losem, nad niewygodami i tymi wszystkimi wyrzeczeniami, które je spotkały. Za ostro? Nie. Bo uwierzcie mi, naprawdę, kiedy tracisz dziecko, oddałabyś wszystko za to, żeby to się nie stało i wszystkie te dotychczasowe bolączki wydają się być niczym. Bo są niczym.

Umówmy się, ciąża to nie stan permanentny, na który zostałyśmy skazane dożywotnio. Kobiety nie słonice, nie chodzimy w ciąży 2 lata. To tylko 9 miesięcy, które o dziwo mijają tak szybko, że to aż przeraża. Ja nie twierdzę, że marudząca i płacząca nad ciążowymi dolegliwościami kobieta jest złą matką. Nie. Ja wiem, że prawie wszystkie te kobiety bardzo chcą i kochają swoje dzieci. I będą je kochać po urodzeniu, dziękując za to, że już wyszły na zewnątrz. Jednak proszę was, żebyście pamiętały, że tak naprawdę to co przechodzicie da się znieść. Szczerze, też by już chciała, żeby te 9 miesięcy minęło. Nie jestem ciążową nimfą. Chcę urodzić i być pewna, że moje dziecko jest zdrowe, że jest już ze mną i że wszystko jest w porządku. Bo teraz nie jestem w stanie tego stwierdzić. A hormony i ciągłe zmiany nastroju nie pomagają w pozytywnym nastawieniu. Ciąża to jednak nie są tortury, katusze, śmiertelna choroba. To mój organizm dostosowuje się i przechodzi nową sytuację. Czasem znosi to lepiej, czasem gorzej, tak bywa. Nie każdy jest w ciąży śpiewającą, uduchowioną nimfą, która może sobie siedzieć ze swoją piękną skórą, cudownymi włosami i brakiem dolegliwości, głaszcząc się po zgrabnym brzuchu. Ja nie jestem. Większość z nas znosi to znacznie gorzej. Jednak czy jest to naprawdę tak straszne, żeby przeklinać ten stan i wypisywać jak jest nam źle i jakie to nie do zniesienia? Przykro mi, ale nigdy tego nie zrozumiem.

Gdy źle się czuję, jest mi źle i siada mi psychika, przytulam się do D., dzwonię do przyjaciółki, albo po prostu patrzę na ostatnie zdjęcie USG, na którym mój syn cudownie podnosi swoje małe nogi do góry. Przypominam sobie, jaką radość sprawiło mi, gdy podczas badania zaczął połykać płyn owodniowy, co wyglądało po prostu cudownie. Wtedy robi mi się lepiej, bo wiem, dla kogo i po co to wszystko się dzieje. Jeżeli nie przechodzisz więc ciąży śpiewająco, źle się czujesz i wydaje ci się, że nie dasz już rady tak dłużej, to powiem ci jedno – masz rację, wydaje ci się. Bo tak naprawdę dolegliwości i emocje, które targają nami w ciąży są straszne, ale są niczym w porównaniu do tego, co muszą przejść kobiety, które notorycznie ronią, lub które latami starają się o dziecko, lecz ono do nich nie przechodzi. To, co czeka nas po przejściu 9 miesięcy, jest tego wszystkiego warte. I nie, nie chodzi mi o brudne pieluchy, nieprzespane noce i wymiociny dziecka na nowej bluzce.  Masz prawo się źle czuć, masz prawo o tym powiedzieć, pożalić się, jednak miejmy w tym umiar. Bo właśnie o pewną granicę tu chodzi. Kiedy słyszę albo czytam niektóre wywody na temat straszności ciąży, to przepraszam, ale nie rozumiem. Więc naprawdę, ciąża – nie marudź, doceń!

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