Takie małe, a takie wielkie

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Żeby być wielkim, nie musisz mierzyć dwóch metrów i mieć szerokich pleców. Nie musisz też ważyć powyżej stu kilogramów. Do wielkości nie jest potrzebna również sława, wybitne uzdolnienia, czy ponadprzeciętna inteligencja. Na wielkość wcale nie trzeba pracować latami. Tak naprawdę, wystarczy pokazać się na monitorze USG w całej swojej trzy milimetrowej krasie i zaprezentować serce wielkości ziarnka maku, bijące z nieprawdopodobną szybkością. Tyle wystarczy, by istniały na świecie przynajmniej dwie osoby, dla których już jesteś wielki.

Po wyjściu z domu na wczorajszą wizytę poczułam dziwny spokój. Całe napięcie, które towarzyszyło mi od samego rana, zeszło ze mnie w momencie przekroczenia progu przychodni. „Duże opóźnienie do pana doktora?” – zapytałam kobietę w recepcji. „Ojjj, dzisiaj tak, około godziny”. No, to kiszka, trzeba będzie jeszcze trochę poczekać. Ale to nic. Czekałam już tyle razy na coś mniej ważnego. Godzina to nie tak długo. O ciąży wiedziałam już od ponad dwóch tygodni. Sześćdziesiąt minut jest niczym, jeżeli popatrzymy na to z tej perspektywy.

21:20 – wchodzę do gabinetu. „A więc podejrzewa pani?” – pyta ginekolog – „W takim razie proszę się rozebrać i zapraszam na fotel.” W toalecie całkiem się uspokajam. Nie denerwuję się ani trochę. Podchodzę do fotela i siadam na nim z tym samym zapałem, z jakim robiłam to w poprzedniej ciąży i po jej zakończeniu. Bo zawsze znalezienie się w tym fotelu oznacza jakieś wiadomości. Bardzo dobre, albo bardzo złe, nigdy nijakie.

Szybkie badanie. Nie ma plamień, wszystko wygląda dobrze. Informuję lekarza o dziwnym kolorze upławów wczorajszego ranka i o twardniejącym wieczorami brzuchu. Po krótkiej rozmowie mojego ginekologa ze mną rozkraczoną na fotelu wchodzi D. i w końcu zaczynamy tak wyczekiwane usg. Mały stworek pojawia się już po sekundzie. Lekarz nie jest sadystą, nie trzyma nas w napięciu. „Potwierdzam ciążę, jest” – informuje natychmiast – „I jest już tętno”. To najbardziej chciałam usłyszeć. Jest tętno. To wspaniała nowina, szczególnie że parę minut wcześniej lekarz poinformował mnie, że może być jeszcze za wcześnie, może nic jeszcze nie będzie widać. „Co? To ja czekałam w bólu i niepewności ponad dwa tygodnie, żeby teraz wrócić do domu z jeszcze większą niepewnością?” – pomyślałam. Dobrze, że moje dziecko tym razem okazało się łaskawe. Nie kazało mi czekać. Jego serce bije 111 razy na minutę. 111 uderzeń życia, które razem z D. stworzyliśmy.

D. wychodzi. Zostaję sama z lekarzem i z moimi pytaniami. Mam nadal brać euthyrox, tak jak zaleca endokrynolog. Oprócz tego jodid100 – 1,5 tabletki, folik 1 tabletkę i włączamy duphaston. W sumie to na to liczyłam. Niech działa, choćby tylko na głowę. Resztę już znam. Siedziałam już w tym gabinecie, kiedy lekarz zakładał mi kartę ciąży. Nie muszę o nic pytać. „Proszę się nie martwić, naprawdę w 90% przypadków takich, jak pani, kolejna ciąża jest już książkowa.” Następna wizyta za trzy tygodnie. Chcę sprawdzić, czy się rozwija. Poprzednio rozwój zatrzymał się na poziomie 9-10 tygodnia. Chcę być spokojniejsza i upewnić się, że tym razem wszystko jest dobrze.

No i siedzi sobie we mnie taki wielki mały ktoś. Jest miniaturowy, a sprawia tyle radości. Za każdym razem, kiedy o tym myślę, uśmiecham się. Za każdym razem, kiedy przypominam sobie moment zobaczenia jego serca, na ustach pojawia się niekontrolowany banan. Jest to kłopotliwe, przynajmniej w niektórych sytuacjach. Dzisiaj jeden ze współpracowników opowiadał mi o ciężkiej dla niego sytuacji z innym pracownikiem. W swoim opowiadaniu był totalnie zdegustowany i wściekły. Na początku słuchałam z zaciekawieniem, później jednak stwierdziłam, że konflikt był o pierdołę i są o wiele ważniejsze rzeczy. No i pomyślałam sobie o sekrecie w moim brzuchu. No i pojawił się banan. A mój współpracownik wyszedł stwierdzając, że moja mina nie odzwierciedla jego oceny sytuacji. I wiecie co? Mam to gdzieś. Bo moje wspaniałe 3 milimetry chwilowo przeniosło mnie w inny wymiar. Czekam na to co się stanie z ostrożnością, ale również nadzieją. Cieszę się i jestem wdzięczna, bo w moim brzuchu rozwija się nowe życie. Tak małe, a tak wielkie. I to zasługuje na radość. Więc trzymam brzuch i w końcu zaczynam wierzyć, że naprawdę jestem w ciąży. Bo mam w brzuchu cud, którego nie zamieniłabym na nic innego na świecie.

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  65. Gratuluję i trzymam kciuki,Ja niestety nie miałam tyle szczęścia i kolejny raz usłyszałam że nie bije serduszko mojego maleństwa,ciężko mi o tym pisać, bo to jeszcze wszystko takie świeże zaledwie tydzień.Gdy przeczytałam twojego bloga trochę się wyciszyłam i mam nadzieję że spełnią się moje marzenia o malejstwie

    • Bardzo mi przykro. Dla mnie ten pierwszy tydzień po był najgorszy. Później zaczęłam wracać do siebie. Wiem, że łatwo mi powiedzieć, ale trzeba mieć nadzieję. Trzymaj się, życzę dużo siły i trzymam kciuki.

  66. Dzięki Tobie wróciłam wspomnieniami do mojej pierwszej wizyty, dziękuję:)! Taka informacja zawsze polepsza humor, a szczególnie tym ludziom, którzy tak starają się o pociechę. Choć u mnie z tym było całkiem inaczej, to także uśmiech i zadowolenie się pojawiło. Pozdrawiam cieplutko:)!

  67. Ania, sledze wszystkie Twoja wpisy od poczatku i cieszę się Waszym szczęściem, wierze że będzie dobrze (na pewno)! 🙂 Byłam w bardzo podobnej sytuacji co Twoja, a za 12 dni przywitam moja kruszynke na świecie.:)

  68. Hej aniu;)no to mnie pobilas,ja swoje drugie malenstwo (pierwszemu nigdy nie zabilo serduszko)zobaczylam po raz pierwszy jak mialo 7mm. Stalo sie to po 3h plakania na izbie przyjec,bo mialam plamienia takie same jak w pierwszej,nieudanej ciazy. A tu nagle,7mm i wszystko jest dobrze. Chyba najwiekszy szok mojego zycia:) Sprawdzilam potem te 7mm na linijce,ale wiedzialam dobrze,ze ten sam wymiar na ekranie usg byl czyms wielkim;) za tydzien dokladnie dowiem sie ile ono ma teraz(bedzie to 23tydz),ale juz wiemy,ze jest chlopcem,ze czuje delikatnie jego ruchy i ze pan doktor na razie(odpukac)nie widzi zadnych zastrzezen. A dla mnie kazdego dnia,wraz z rosnacym brzuszkiem staje sie on coraz bardziej realny. Tego tez Tobie zycze:)milego dnia

    • Ojjjj, jak cudnie, że już go czujesz 🙂 ja jeszcze trochę muszę poczekać. chciałabym przespać ten pierwszy trymestr przynajmniej…mieć za sobą najgorsze. no ale nic, jakoś trzeba wytrwać 🙂 mój teraz gdzieś ma pewnie coś ok. 10 mm, bo czytałam, ze teraz rośnie milimetr dziennie. Niesamowite 🙂

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    • Jest dobrze, ale nadal jestem niespokojna 🙂 ciązowe objawy są, więc głowa psokojniejsz,a nawet jak to tylko przez duphaston. Cieszę się, nadal ostrożnie, ale się cieszę 🙂

  70. Wiedziałam że tak będzie. Wczoraj wieczorem myślałam o Was i bardzo bardzo Wam gratuluję.
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