Nasze wszystkie pierwsze razy

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W środę pierwsza wizyta u lekarza. Stresuję się. Chyba pierwszy raz w życiu boję się o kogoś aż tak bardzo. Nic na to nie poradzę. Obecnie nie wiem, na czym stoję. Jest tam? Rozwija się? Wszystko jest dobrze? Jutro wszystko się wyjaśni. Wychodząc z gabinetu będę już wiedziała, mam nadzieję. By zabić czas i nie dopuszczać do siebie negatywnych myśli, postanowiłam porozmyślać o czymś przyjemnym, o czymś pozytywnym. Wykreuję sobie rzeczywistość, której oczekuję, przyszłość, która nas czeka i o której marzę. Może to mi pomoże myśleć, że wszystko będzie dobrze. Aktualnie czekam na pierwszy raz, kiedy naprawdę uwierzę w tę ciążę, ale to mam nadzieję nastąpi już jutro wieczorem. Zastanawiam się jednak, ile pierwszych razów wiąże się z ciążą i macierzyństwem? No to zobaczmy.

Mamy przed sobą pierwszy raz, kiedy zobaczymy nasze dziecko na monitorze USG. Pierwszy raz zobaczę, jak bije mu serce, jak jest sobie we mnie bezpiecznie. To będzie pierwszy z pierwszych razów razem. Bo przed nami same pierwsze razy. Dzisiaj na przykład przyszedł czas na pierwsze nudności i pierwszy ból piersi. Tak na marginesie, moje ciało się zmienia zupełnie inaczej niż w poprzedniej ciąży, więc ogólnie porównywanie ciąży do ciąży, a już na pewno jednej kobiety do drugiej kobiety, jest zupełnie bez sensu. Ale o tym kiedy indziej. Na kolejnej wizycie moje dziecko pierwszy raz będzie przypominać kształtem człowieka. Z wizyty na wizytę będziemy obserwować jego rozwój. Piękny rozwój. Później pierwszy zarys ciążowego brzucha, pierwsze wyczuwalne ruchy. Pierwsza sukienka ciążowa, pierwsze ciążowe majtki i stanik. Pierwszy kopniak, pierwsze skrzywienie się, gdy dziecko się zagalopuje z tymi kopniakami. Pierwsze skurcze, usłyszany pierwszy zdrowy krzyk. Wiem, daleko wybiegam z tymi pierwszymi razami, ale przecież muszę zakładać, że wszystko potoczy się dobrze. W przeciwnym razie znoszenie tej niepewności nie miałoby najmniejszego sensu.

Pójdę jeszcze dalej. Po pierwszym oddechu naszego dziecka nastąpi prawdziwa lawina pierwszych razów. I dla nas, i dla niego. Pierwsze spojrzenie, pierwsze przytulenie. Pierwszy uśmiech.  Pierwsze karmienie, pierwsze przewijanie, pierwsza kąpiel. Pierwszy raz, kiedy weźmiemy dziecko do domu, nasza pierwsza wspólna noc. Pierwsze razy pełne radości i niepokoju, bo jeszcze nic nie wiemy, bo działamy instynktownie, bo ktoś tak ważny jest pod naszą opieką. Pierwszy spacer, pierwsze oznaki zmęczenia, pierwsze „dajcie mi się wyspać!”. Pierwsza kołysanka, pierwsza bajka, pierwsza zabawa, która nie wiadomo na czym polega, ale ważne, że dziecko się śmieje. Pierwszy ząbek, pierwsze podniesienie główki i tak znana z Facebooka „pierwsza marcheweczka” 😉 Pierwsze zamarcie ze strachu, gdy wydaje nam się, że coś jest nie tak, a okazuje się, że na szczęście wszystko w porządku. Matko, ile tego jest!? A większości „mój pierwszy raz” kojarzy się tylko z jednym…

Mój D. obserwując ostatnio rocznego syna kuzynki stwierdził, że takie małe dzieci nic nie pamiętają z wczesnego dzieciństwa, bo są zwyczajnie na takim „pierwszorazowym haju”. Po prostu ta ogromna ilość pierwszych razy uderza im do głowy tak bardzo, że wszystkie narkotyki świata wymiękają. Wyobraźcie sobie, co by było, gdybyśmy to pamiętali. Dzieci zachwycają się naprawdę dziwnymi rzeczami. Dlaczego? Bo są dla nich nowe. Siedzisz sobie spokojnie u mamy w brzuchu a tu nagle ciach, ciepło i ciemność się kończą, do dźwięków, które słyszałeś już wcześniej, dochodzi cała gama innych przeżyć. Stopniowo zaczynają działać zmysły i wprowadzają cię w stan czystej ekstazy. Zaczynasz funkcjonować. I poznawać. Poznajesz wszystko od początku. Dziwisz się i zachwyczasz. Pierwszy dotyk, pierwsze uczucie głodu, pierwszy raz, gdy się najesz. Zaczynasz widzieć. Przeżywasz swoje wszystkie pierwsze pory roku. Pierwszy deszcz, pierwszy  śnieg, pierwsze święta. Pierwszy raz gdy widzisz, że dorośli robią do ciebie miny i nie wiesz, o co im chodzi. Pierwsze pociągnięcie kota za ogon, bo to takie ciekawe stworzenie. Pierwsze spróbowanie cytryny, pierwsze domaganie się tego, co mama aktualnie spożywa. Pierwsze samodzielne wstanie, pierwsze słowo, pierwszy krok (musi to być coś cudownego – robisz coś, co będziesz później robił przez całe życie, tylko tym razem wszyscy obecni klaszczą. Później klaszczą już coraz mniej, a na końcu w ogóle nie uważają tego za żaden wyczyn, a wręcz za obowiązek – „Podejdź i sobie weź, nóżki nie urosły?” Ale początki były fajne.) Pierwszy raz nad morzem, gdy ktoś wkłada twoje stopy do zimnej wody i uważa, że to fajne. Pierwszy raz, gdy odkrywasz magiczne zdolności klaksonu w samochodzie i doprowadzasz tym do szału wszystkich sąsiadów. Pierwszy raz, gdy ktoś zrozumiał, o co ci chodzi, pierwsze samodzielnie sklecone zdanie, pierwsza zapamiętana melodia (i znowu oklaski). I tak cały czas. Aż w końcu ogromna gama pierwszych razów kurczy się, z dnia na dzień ubywa kolejnych rzeczy do spróbowania po to, by na końcu pierwsze razy były również ekscytujące, ale też o wiele bardziej kosztowne. Mi został na przykład pierwszy skok na bungee, pierwszy raz w Tajlandii i tak dalej, i tak dalej.

Więc tak, czekam na to wszystko. By móc to przeżyć, potrzebuję jutro usłyszeć od lekarza – „Wszystko jest w porządku, oby tak dalej”. I tak na każdej kolejnej wizycie. Mimo, że po tym, co stało się kilka miesięcy temu, ciężko jest nastawić się pozytywnie, staram się wyobrażać sobie, że jest dobrze. Bo „musi być dobrze” to moja życiowa dewiza. Kończę więc moje naiwne rozmyślania i proszę, błagam, dziecko, zostań już ze mną. Daj mi szansę pokazać ci te wszystkie pierwsze razy.

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