Czy po teście ciążowym można się już cieszyć?

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„Z tymi wczesnymi ciążami to jest tak, że czasem kobieta nawet nie wie, że w ciąży była, tylko myśli, że jej się okres spóźnił.” Z takim stwierdzeniem spotkałam się już nie raz. I na pewno jest to prawda. Jednak raczej nie dotyczy to kobiet, które świadomie starają się o dziecko i dzień okresu jest dla nich dniem sądnym. Przecież to logiczne, że jak okres się nie pojawi, to taka kobieta nie pomyśli „Hmmm, chyba mi się spóźni, poczekam jeszcze trochę”. Nie! Oczywiście że nie! Zdecydowana większość zrobi test ciążowy, w dzień okresu, albo dzień po. Niektóre nawet nie wytrzymają i tak jak ja, testują już wcześniej. Albo robią wyniki z krwi, bo takie mają zalecenia lekarzy. No i są, dwie kreski są. Beta HCG w krwi i moczu jest. I co teraz? Czy mogę się już cieszyć?

Kiedy w poprzedniej ciąży test pokazał dwie kreski, stałam w łazience przed lustrem i śmiałam się sama do siebie. Udało się nam łatwo, w pierwszym miesiącu starań. Zakładaliśmy, że potrwa to o wiele dłużej, dlatego też na ciążę za bardzo się nie nastawiałam. Mieliśmy jeszcze jechać na wakacje, miało być sto tysięcy innych rzeczy po drodze, a stała się ciąża. I ogromne szczęście. Kiedy już skończyłam się tak głośno uśmiechać w łazience, pobiegłam do salonu, gdzie przy laptopie spokojnie pracował sobie D. Nie wiedział o tym, że robiłam test. Przypuszczam, że nawet nie wiedział, że rano miałam dostać okres. My po prostu przestaliśmy się zabezpieczać i nie rozmawialiśmy o tym. „D.! Ja chyba jestem w ciąży!” – wykrzyczałam drżącym z podniecenia głosem. I teraz reakcja taty, który właśnie usłyszał radosną nowinę – wytrzeszczył oczy, szczęka opadła mu na klawiaturę laptopa i z pełnym zdziwieniem wydusił z siebie: „Pier@#$@lisz?”. Tak, są takie momenty, kiedy naprawdę nie znajdujesz słów, by opisać swą radość…

Cieszyliśmy się wtedy beztrosko. Oczywiście D. podszedł do sprawy z większym rozsądkiem. „Poczekamy na wizytę u lekarza”, „Spokojnie, to jeszcze nic pewnego”, „Luz Ania, luz”. Złościło mnie to wtedy. Cieszyłam się tak bardzo. Skakałam, śmiałam się, trzymałam się za brzuch i patrząc w okno zastanawiałam się, co się teraz we mnie dzieje. Co miałoby być nie tak? Udało się za pierwszym razem, co niby ma być nie tak? Dopiero w poczekalni u ginekologa czułam stres i lęk. Zależało mi tak bardzo. Po pierwszych dwóch wizytach, kiedy wszystko było idealnie, wylatywałam z gabinetu lekarskiego na skrzydłach. Po trzeciej, ostatniej, szłam po korytarzu do wyjścia patrząc w jeden punkt, na recepcji, skupiając swoją uwagę na jednym miejscu, żeby nie wybuchnąć płaczem już tam. I po tej wizycie właśnie zmieniło się to moje radosne patrzenie na ciążę.

Dwie kreski na teście, te wtorkowe, pudrowo-różowe, przywitałam uśmiechem. Już nie trzęsły mi się ręce, jak za pierwszym razem. Czułam coś zupełnie innego. Radość, ale też opanowanie, spokój. Poszłam do sypialni, do śpiącego D., pokazałam mu wynik. Spokojnie, bez krzyku i podniecenia. Popatrzył na test, popatrzył na mnie, uśmiechnął się. „Spokojnie Ania, teraz spokojnie”. Jedynie na schodach, przed wyjściem z kamienicy, pozwoliłam sobie na pełen uśmiech, taki prawdziwy, od ucha, do ucha. Taki, po którym ma się zakwasy na policzkach. W drodze do pracy nie mogliśmy rozmawiać o teście, bo nie jechaliśmy w aucie sami. Kiedy wysadziliśmy koleżankę na przystanku, wyciągnęłam z torebki test, żeby upewnić się, że mi się nie przewidziało. „Jesteś pewna, że to ciąża?” – zapytał D. „Tak, jestem, tylko bardzo wczesna, więc…”. „Rozumiem, spokojnie”.

Po przyjściu do pracy zadzwoniłam do przyjaciółki. Musiałam się z nią podzielić tą informacją. Zaczęła piszczeć przez telefon z radości. „Wiesz, to parę dni przed okresem,  bardzo wczesna”. Napisałam też do siostry. Wszystko na spokojnie, z podkreśleniem za każdym razem, że cieszę się, ale jeszcze nic nie wiadomo. W pracy o dziwo zajęłam się pracą, mimo że kiedyś wydawało mi się, że to nierealne po otrzymaniu takiej nowiny. W pierwszym dniu po zrobieniu testu w poprzedniej ciąży, spędziłam cały dzień w pracy czytając, co dzieje się w piątym tygodniu, na jakim etapie jest dziecko, kiedy iść do lekarza. Istne wariactwo. Teraz nawet o tym nie pomyślałam. Może dlatego, że te strony do 12 tygodnia znam już na pamięć? A może dlatego, że nie chcę cieszyć się tak pełną piersią, bo pamiętam, że w razie niepowodzenia tym gorzej później powrócić do oddychania.

Leżąc wieczorem na łóżku i czytając książkę złapałam się za brzuch. Mój pies patrzył na mnie swoimi wielkimi, wyłupiastymi oczami. D. nie było w domu. Wszędzie cisza. „Co ja robię?” – pomyślałam. Przecież to, że zaszłam w ciążę, to kolejny dar, jaki otrzymałam. Dlaczego mam się nim nie cieszyć? Bo mogę go stracić? Wiem, że mogę. Wiem, że każda ciąża może się skończyć w nieoczekiwanym dla nas momencie, w niewłaściwy sposób. Wiem to wszystko aż za dobrze. Ale czy z tego powodu mam nie czuć radości z cudu, który na mnie spadł?

Kiedy wrócił D., leżałam na łóżku trzymając się za brzuch. „Trochę kłują mnie jajniki” – powiedziałam. D. popatrzył na mnie, położył rękę na mojej ręce i powiedział: „Ania, masz w brzuchu teraz małego dzieciorka. Musisz być spokojna, żeby mógł sobie spokojnie tam zostać i się rozwijać. A ty…” – i tutaj pogroził brzuchowi palcem – „…zachowuj się tam”.

Tak, mam w brzuchu małego dzieciorka. Dzieciorek zaczął się dla mnie już od zobaczenia na teście dwóch kresek. Tak, jest to teraz mała galaretka, prawdopodobnie nawet nie widać by jeszcze było pęcherzyka ciążowego na USG. Ale to nie znaczy, że nie zasługuje na moją radość. Więc postanowiłam się cieszyć i doceniać to, co mam. Fakt, na spokojnie, bez rozgłaszania tego wszystkim dookoła (znajomi nie mają adresu bloga, więc się stąd nie dowiedzą), ale prawdziwie. Nie odbiorę sobie przyjemności cieszenia się z ciąży. Cieszę się nią, bo wiem, że gdyby nie daj Boże coś złego stało się tym razem, takie niecieszenie się wcale nie sprawiłoby, że poczuję się lepiej. Wyciągnęłam książkę o ciąży, którą dostałam od siostry w poprzedniej ciąży. Jest w niej miejsce na notatki, jednak jakoś nie miałam wtedy weny, żeby coś pisać. Myślałam, że zacznę po badaniach prenatalnych. I nie miałam takiej szansy. Z książki wypadły dwa zdjęcia USG, które schowałam tam przed światem. Popatrzyłam na tego mojego gumisiowego żelka, który ode mnie odszedł, pogłaskałam zdjęcie i przełożyłam je w inne miejsce. „Musisz mi wybaczyć” – pomyślałam – „Muszę teraz jak najlepiej zająć się dzieciorkiem, żeby już ze mną zostało”. I zaczęłam pisać. Długopisem. Przemyślenia na koniec pierwszego miesiąca ciąży – „Bardzo się cieszę i mam nadzieję, że ułożyłeś się bezpiecznie w moim brzuchu, tam gdzie trzeba, i zostaniesz we mnie aż do kwietnia”. Więc cieszę się. Bo niecieszenie nic nie zmieni. Bo mimo, że nadzieja przeplata się w mojej głowie z lękiem, to smutek nie sprawi, że będzie lepiej. Bo ja nie mam wpływu na to, co się w najbliższym czasie wydarzy, więc łapię każdą chwilę, która jest mi dana i za każdym razem, kiedy kładziemy się do łóżka już we troje, uśmiecham się.

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