Ja vs PMS – moja comiesięczna przegrana walka

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Jestem jędzą, naprawdę, przyznaję się bez bicia. Jestem jędzą, na szczęście w ograniczonym stopniu. Każdego dnia walczę ze swoją jędzowatością i przeważnie wygrywam. Gdy wygrywam, czuję się lepszym człowiekiem, bo nie fuknęłam, bo nie przeklęłam, bo taka jestem wtedy cudownie empatyczna i sympatyczna. Jednak jest kilka takich dni w miesiącu, kiedy z jędzą nie wygram. Kiedy coraz bardziej odczuwalny zespół napięcia przedmiesiączkowego robi ze mnie ryczącego i pożerającego wszystko potwora, D. patrzy na mnie z politowaniem i grzecznie schodzi mi z drogi. A gdy przyjdzie okres wcale mi się nie poprawia. Jest inaczej, co wcale nie oznacza, że lepiej.

Tak, zdecydowanie daję się ponieść hormonom. Te parę dni w miesiącu wściekam się o byle co, a później targana płaczem i ogromnymi wyrzutami sumienia, błagam  o przebaczenie. I gdzie tu logika, skoro schemat się powtarza, a ja nadal mu ulegam? Gdzie tu praca nad sobą i walka z wewnętrzną jędzą? No gdzie? W te dni odpowiedź jest tylko jedna moi drodzy. W dupie. W dupie jest, i do końca miesiączki właśnie tam pozostaje.

Aktualnie pozostaję w błogim stanie uspokojenia. Schowałam już topór wojenny, kocham świat i ludzi, na nowo jestem dobrym człowiekiem. Jednak ostatni tydzień wyglądał nieco inaczej. Napiszę może, jak przebiegają fazy, w które wchodzę. Na początku jest tzw. „Pierwsze uderzenie”. Spodziewasz się go, bo okres się zbliża, więc i napięcie rośnie. Kiedy nadejdzie ten moment już wiem, że się zaczęło. Denerwuje wszystko. Na początku może jeszcze nie tak bardzo, ale z biegiem czasu „Pierwsze uderzenie” zmienia się w drugie, inaczej „Maksymalne pierdo!@$cie”. Lepiej nie podchodź, bo gryzę bez uprzedniego szczekania, możesz więc ucierpieć. Sezon na „Ale mnie wszystko wku$#@ia” uważam za otwarty. Do tego, gdy przychodzi faza trzecia, czyli „Żrem wszystko co widzem”, robi się jeszcze gorzej, bo do niewytłumaczalnej złości na wszystkich żyjących, dochodzi jeszcze złość na siebie, bo kto jak nie ja będzie zrzucał po okresie to co nażarł? Przy tym wszystkim chodzę maksymalnie nakręcona. Najczęściej myję okna, pastuję podłogi, piorę dywany. Dosłownie tynki lecą z tego niepohamowanego sprzątania. Są więc jakieś tego plusy…no i jeszcze te napompowane piersi, bajka. Wtedy przychodzi okres i płacz, bo brzuch boli, bo złość wcale nie do końca przeszła, bo sprzątać już się nie chce, a w domu syf. Na dodatek i przed okresem i w jego trakcie jestem brzydka, gruba i nikt mnie nie kocha i wszyscy jak zwykle przeciw mnie. No naprawdę, Ania ma okres, uwaga, zatrzymać świat! Istny armagedon.

Największy odpał, jaki zdarzył mi się do tej pory i tego wyczynu chyba długo nie uda mi się powtórzyć, zdarzył się jakieś 1,5 roku temu. To był piękny, wiosenny, sobotni PMS. Smażyliśmy z D. naleśniki. Według naszego przepisu, do ciasta używa się samego żółtka. Białko, które pozostało z jajka, leżało spokojnie w misce na blacie w kuchni. Gdy jedliśmy śniadanie, nikt jeszcze nie spodziewał się, co stanie się za chwilę. Byliśmy spokojni, ja, D., nasz pies i stojąca na blacie miska z białkiem. D., z pełną wyrozumiałością dla stanu, w jakim się znajduję, postanowił pomóc mi w sprzątaniu. Podczas gdy ja zbierałam ze stołu talerze, D., podszedł do blatu, wziął miskę ze spokojnie leżącym białkiem, popatrzył na nie przez chwilę, po czym jednym chluśnięciem wylał je do zlewu. I wtedy rozpętało się piekło. „Co ty zrobiłeś?!” – ryknęłam z niedowierzaniem. „Ja tego chciałam użyć do panierki!”. D. stanął jak wryty. „Spoko, sorry, nie wiedziałem nawet co to jest. To tylko jajko, masz w lodówce całą paletę” – odpowiedziała moja ofiara, dorzucając na końcu – „Bez przesady…”. To był koniec. Bez przesady? Naprawdę? Kto tu przesadza?! Ja przesadzam? No tak, jak zwykle ja, jak zwykle moja wina. Pewnie, niech będzie, że moja. Złość przerodziła się w szloch, szloch w ryk. Na samym końcu mojego żałosnego wystąpienia, gdy D., po raz kolejny z niedowierzaniem patrzył na mnie  z pytającą miną „Co jest ku@#wa?”, między jednym zaciągnięciem się płaczem, a drugim, wykrztusiłam: „Tu nie chodzi o jajko, tu chodzi o zasadę! Ja sobie coś założę, a ty przychodzisz i  tak to ostentacyjnie wylewasz do zlewu, i tak ze wszystkim!”. Brawo ja, mistrz głębokiej metafory. D. zdezerterował, z nieopisanymi emocjami na twarzy udał się do pokoju z jednym stwierdzeniem na ustach: „Ty nie jesteś normalna”. No cóż…

Jedzenie. Kocham! Zawsze, wszędzie, jem wszystko. Nie ma rzeczy, której nie lubię. Są też właśnie te dni w miesiącu, kiedy lubię sto razy bardziej. I tak pizzę zagryzam kotletem, po czym ładując na talerz porcję spaghetti marzę o owocach, całej tonie owoców! Pomidory, lody, chipsy, wątróbko, kawo z bitą śmietaną, dorszu z grilla i zasmażana kapusto przybywajcie. Oto ja was potrzebuję, by choć przez chwilę poczuć się, jakbym wiedziała, o co mi tak naprawdę chodzi.

Jest letni, sobotnie wieczór. Okres trwa. Właściwie to już się kończy, ale hormonalnie czuję, jakby nadal trwał i nie zamierzał przestawać. Leżę sobie w łóżku, czekam na D., mamy oglądać film. Przychodzi D., standardowo rzuca „Przesuń się, ty to nigdy się nie domyślisz, tylko zawsze muszę ci mówić”. Co? Dlaczego tak do mnie mówisz? Ja od paru dni chodzę jak istne okresowe perpetum mobile, a ty tak fuczysz? Z tego będzie foch, albo nie, lepiej nie, lepiej się przytulę. No to chcę się przytulić, jednak D., grzebie w laptopie szukając filmu. No i masz, jest foch, przyszedł, bo przytulić nie chcesz, tylko laptopem się zajmujesz. Jest foch. W dodatku wybrany film strasznie ckliwy, więc płaczę, wyję zalewając się łzami i smarkami. koniec filmu, nadal płaczę. Bo mi przykro, bo D., nie przytulił, tak, jak chciałam, bo mam złe wspomnienia, a ostatni miesiąc był do bani. Na pytanie „Co ci jest?” standardowo odpowiadam „Nic”, choć sama nie wiem dlaczego, bo nienawidzę, kiedy tak ktoś odpowiada i w swoim niemożliwym do ogarnięcia i niekończącym się nieszczęściu zasypiam, by rano obudziła mnie myśl „A o co tak naprawdę chodziło?”

Niestety, oto mój PMS. Kiedy świat doprowadza do szału z zasady, partner wkurza zbyt głośnym oddychaniem, każdy telefon może uruchomić uśpiony wewnątrz wulkan, a każdy kierowca zwie się Jakjedzieszidiotą, lepiej się do mnie nie zbliżać. Oczywiście z dość dużym wysiłkiem, ale też często odnosząc sukces, przyczepiam sobie do twarzy uśmiech numer 547 i klnę jedynie w myślach, przepraszając tym samym wszystkich napotkanych za epitety, którymi nieświadomie obrywają. Tak nie jest zawsze, czasem zdarzy się kilka miesięcy przerwy, ale jak już się skumuluje…Lepiej opiszę to tak:

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