Do pracy rodacy, czyli powrót na tory po poronieniu

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Powroty do pracy po dłuższym L4 przeważnie są dość ciężkie. O ile cięższe są dla kobiety, która na L4 przebywała z powodu poronienia wie tylko kobieta, która takiego powrotu do pracy doświadczyła. Mi znalezienie sposobu na odpowiadanie na pewne pytania zajęło trzy dni. Co robić, gdy ludzkie reakcje sprawiają, że czujesz się zakłopotana, bo swoim poronieniem ich zakłopotałaś? Jak się zachować, gdy ktoś uporczywie ciągnie temat? Jak wrócić, gdy większość miała wiedzę o Twoim stanie błogosławionym, a tylko garstka o jego końcu?

Pół biedy, jeżeli o ciąży wiedzieli nieliczni. W moim przypadku niestety wieść rozeszła się  w zatrważającym tempie. Nie chciałam już pracować, ponieważ bardzo męczące było dla mnie jeżdżenie ponad 100 km dziennie, a poza tym pracę mam często stresującą, więc stwierdziłam, że odpuszczę. Zajmuję kierownicze stanowisko w instytucji, w której pracuje ponad 700 osób. Ludzie znają mnie z kontaktu bezpośredniego, ale również z maili, które wysyłam do wszystkich informując np. o zmianach w organizacji, najbliższych wydarzeniach itd. Łatwo było zauważyć, że kto inny wykonuje moje obowiązki. O ciąży osobiście nie informowałam nikogo oprócz paru bliskich koleżanek z pracy i szefa, a później pracowników z mojego wydziału.  Gdy dyrektor na zebraniu kierowników powiedział, że od tej pory moje stanowisko będzie zajmować inna osoba, jedna część firmy założyła, że mnie zwolnił, a druga po uśmiechniętej minie przy ogłaszaniu domyśliła się, że to chyba jednak ciąża. Idąc na zwolnienie zakładałam, że trochę mnie nie będzie. Pożegnałam się, trochę popłakałam, że będę tęsknić, a później udałam się do domu, by cieszyć się prawidłowo rozwijającą się ciążą.

Kiedy okazało się, że straciłam dziecko, zadzwoniłam do koleżanki, która mnie zastępowała. Poprosiłam ją, żeby powiedziała szefowi, że jednak niedługo wrócę, ale żeby pozostałym jeszcze nic nie mówić. Nie byłam gotowa na te wszystkie telefony, smsy i pytania. Później stopniowo informowałam swoich pracowników o tym, co się stało. Mam w wydziale praktycznie samych młodych ludzi, część z nich, to rodzice. Spotkałam się naprawdę z samymi życzliwymi reakcjami. Ale to tylko mój wydział. Poinformowanie 17 osób jest niczym w konfrontacji z 700.

I tak oto w poprzedni poniedziałek, po dwóch miesiącach przerwy wróciłam do pracy. Na zwolnienie ciążowe poszłam zaraz po Wielkanocy. Naprawdę nie wiem, kiedy minął ten czas. Tyle się wydarzyło. Dla mnie zmieniło się wszystko. Jednak dla większości ludzi z pracy nadal byłam w ciąży. Dla niektórych zapewne nadal jestem. W przeciągu trzech ostatnich dni odpowiedziałam na tyle bolących pytań, że nawet nie jestem w stanie ich wszystkich opisać.

Dzień pierwszy. Parkuję. Na parkingu spotykam ekipę informatyków. Witam się pospiesznie i uciekam, zanim zaczną szukać brzucha. Wchodzę po schodach, chcę jak najszybciej dotrzeć do swojego biura. Już na portierni uśmiechnięty pan wita się ze mną słowami: „Oooo, pani Ania, co pani tutaj robi?” W odpowiedzi posłałam mu jedynie uśmiech i proszę o klucze. Idę dalej. Schody. Dosłownie i w przenośni. Spotykam na nich kolejną osobę witającą mnie uśmiechem i pytającą „A co ty tutaj?” „Pracuję” – odpowiadam, też z uśmiechem. Przykleiłam sobie tego banana już w samochodzie i postanowiłam, że do końca dnia go nie zdejmę. Wchodzę do biura, wita mnie koleżanka, która mnie zastępowała. Przy niej mogę odkleić z twarzy męczącego banana, więc odklejam. Łzy w oczach, trzy szybkie oddechy. Wiedziałam, że będzie mi ciężko, ale nie wiedziałam, że aż tak. Idę po kartę przejazdową do transportu. Pani, która wydaje mi kartę pyta „Wszystko w porządku pani Aniu? Chyba nie bardzo, co?” Świetne pytanie. No faktycznie, nie bardzo. Ale ok, nie pyta złośliwie. „Proszę się nie przejmować, młoda jest pani, jeszcze pani będzie miała dzieci.” To też nie było złośliwe, ale pocieszające tym bardziej. Tak, jestem młoda, mam 28 lat i wiem, że są ludzie w gorszej sytuacji. Ale to nie sprawi, że mniej odczuję stratę. Pani wytrwale ciągnie temat. „Naprawdę, proszę się nie przejmować”. Z oczu bezwolnie poleciały mi łzy. „Przepraszam, pani Aniu, nie chciałam. Ale głupia baba ze mnie, po co ja pytałam? Przepraszam, nie chciałam”. „Nie szkodzi” – odpowiadam- „Nic złego nie miała pani na myśli, jednak proszę też mnie zrozumieć, dlaczego tak reaguję.” Koniec rozmowy. Bilans po pierwszym starciu: parę łez, jedna zakłopotana pytająca, jedna zakłopotana ja. Idę do kadr, witam się z koleżanką. Na szczęście tam wszyscy wiedzą, że ja już w pojedynkę, więc jest dobrze. Nagle przychodzi dziewczyna, z którą przez cztery lata pracy rozmawiałam może z cztery razy. Jak widać o ciąży wiedziała, bo uśmiechnięta pyta, jak się czuję. „Dziękuję, dobrze” – odpowiadam standardowo. Ogólnie postanowiłam, że na pytanie o samopoczucie zawsze będę odpowiadała w angielskim stylu, że dobrze, z nadzieją, że rozmówca nie będzie ciągnął tematu. Ta akurat pani niestety nie należy do tych, którym ta odpowiedź wystarcza. „A widać już coś?” – pyta i pokazuje na brzuch. „Nie, nie widać, bo poroniłam i już jestem w pracy na stałe”. Cisza. No tak, bo niby co na to miała powiedzieć. A jednak się decyduje. „Ojej, ale gafa, no nie, ale gafa, jaka gafa”. Nie nazwałabym tego gafą. Skąd mogła wiedzieć? Gafą było jednak to, co zaczęła wygadywać później. „Nie wiedziałam, przepraszam, bo wiesz, w ciąży byłaś, zdrowa jesteś, widzę cię, wyglądasz normalnie, no to pytam. Ale co? Jak to się stało? Podnosiłaś coś ciężkiego, czy co?” Tak, podnosiłam, stukilogramowego słonia, rekreacyjnie, dla poprawienia kondycji w ciąży. Oprócz tego, by nie stracić figury, wyczynowo jeździłam na rowerze, chodziłam na ściankę wspinaczkową, a wieczorami z zamiłowania chodziłam po suficie. Warto również nadmienić, że kobieta po poronieniu wygląda raczej normalnie. Nie świecimy w ciemnościach i nie wyrastają nam dodatkowe części ciała. „Nie, nie podnosiłam, po prostu poroniłam, to się zdarza”. Po jeszcze kilku dodatkowych „przepraszam”, dziewczyna powoli zaczęła wycofywać się za drzwi. Poszła, ufff. Plus jest taki, że udało mi się w końcu poinformować kogoś o poronieniu bez łez w oczach, spokojnie, tak jak planowałam. Wracam na piętro. Spotykam kierownika IT. „Dzień dobry. Moglibyście podpiąć mi z powrotem sprzęt? Bo nie mam jak pracować, a chciałam dzisiaj zrobić parę rzeczy” – zagaduję. „Aaaa dzień dobry. To jednak zdecydowała się pani dojeżdżać w ciąży?” – słyszę w odpowiedzi. „Ja już nie jestem w ciąży, straciłam ją, także wróciłam już na razie na stałe”. Pan kierownik patrzy na mnie przez chwilę. „Bardzo mi przykro, współczuję. Nie ma problemu, zaraz podeślę któregoś z chłopaków, to wszystko pani popodpina.” No, taka reakcja jest chyba najlepsza. Mężczyzna nie był zakłopotany, nie było też w jego reakcji tej nerwowości, którą widziałam u wcześniejszych zagadujących. Reakcja w stu procentach naturalna i prawidłowa. Wracam w końcu do swojego biura, siadam. Cisza. Telefon nie dzwoni. Poprosiłam sekretarkę dyrektora, żeby z powrotem dodała mnie do stałej listy mailingowej. Wracam do pracy, chcę, żeby było jak wcześniej. Usiadłam przy biurku, popatrzyłam w okno. Ostatni raz siedziałam tu jeszcze w ciąży myśląc, że będę tęsknić za tym pokojem w czasie zwolnienia. Los nie dał mi jednak tęsknić za bardzo. Telefon milczy, nikt nie przychodzi, nic nie chce. Tak naprawdę czułam się, jakbym właśnie przechodziła pierwszy dzień w nowej pracy. Dwa miesiące nieobecności na moim stanowisku to szmat czasu. Nie jestem zaznajomiona z bieżącymi problemami, zdecydowana większość osób w ogóle nie wie, że jestem w pracy, więc nie dzwoni, mam spore zaległości. Ale spokojnie, nadrobię, jak tylko ludzie przestaną pytać, i dadzą mi normalnie pracować. Pod koniec dnia udaje mi się dostać do szefa. Szef pyta jak się czuję, czy wszystko ok i rzuca parę problemów, z którymi właśnie się borykamy. „Umówię się do ciebie na jutro ok? Bo chciałam porozmawiać” – no i się umawiam. Dzień dobiega końca. Nareszcie! Chcę iść do domu i przygotować się na jutro. Informacja o poronieniu powoli zacznie krążyć po korytarzach i zamiast uśmiechniętych twarzy, zapewne będą mnie widać spuszczone głowy i zmieszane spojrzenia. Zobaczymy.

Dzień drugi. Spotkanie u szefa. „Właściwie to chciałam porozmawiać, bo chciałabym być wobec was uczciwa tak, jak wy jesteście wobec mnie.” – zaczynam. „Zdaję sobie sprawę, jakie zajmuję stanowisko, i że każda moja nieobecność wiąże się dla ciebie z przeorganizowaniem pracy, więc zrozumiem, jeżeli masz wobec mnie jakieś inne plany. Nie chciałabym, żeby moje życie osobiste rzutowało na twoją pracę, a nie będę ukrywać, że nadal chcę zajść w ciążę, tylko nie wiem, czy uda mi się to za miesiąc, czy za dwa lata.” Dobra, powiedziałam to, sporo myślałam, jak to powiedzieć, i udało mi się to niemalże na jednym wdechu. „Jestem gotowa do pracy, nic mnie nie rozprasza, mogę wykonywać swoje obowiązki tak, jak do tej pory, jednak zrozumiem, jeżeli w związku z moją sytuacją podejmiesz jakieś decyzje”. Szef nie wygląda na zdziwionego. W odpowiedzi słyszę, że mam się nie przejmować  i pracować. Praca w moim wydziale zorganizowana jest tak, że w razie kolejnego zwolnienia każdy wie, co ma robić. Czyli wszystko jest dobrze. Wychodzę z gabinetu dyrektora i spotykam panią, która zawsze dla wszystkich jest uprzejma i przyjazna. Lepiej trafić nie mogłam. „Pani Ania! Jak miło panią widzieć! Jak się pani czuje?” Pada moja standardowa angielska odpowiedź. „Ale jak pani jest w pracy, to znaczy, że dzidziuś jest zdrowy?” No tak, można by tak pomyśleć. „Nie, wróciłam, bo poroniłam. Jestem już na stałe, także jeżeli czegoś pani potrzebuje, to zapraszam” – odpowiadam z pełnym spokojem. W oczach kobiety pojawia się coś jakby przerażenie. „Ojeju, przepraszam. Co za gafa” – hmmm, co oni mają z tą gafą? „Ja nie wiedziałam, przepraszam. ” Potem następuje krótka wymiana zdań na zasadzie „Przepraszam”, „Nie szkodzi”, „Przepraszam”, „Nie szkodzi”, „Ale ja naprawdę przepraszam”, „Ale naprawdę nic się nie stało, proszę się nie przejmować”, „Ale ja przepraszam, nie wiedziałam”, „No właśnie, bo skąd pani mogła wiedzieć, nic się nie stało, naprawdę”. No i później punkt kulminacyjny – „No bo wie pani, Asia też wróciła do pracy, a tak samo poszła na zwolnienie w ciąży jak pani, no ale z jej dzieckiem wszystko ok. I z dzieckiem Iwonki też. A Kasia to już nawet urodziła. Ja nie wiedziałam, że z pani nie jest dobrze, ja przepraszam”. Na szczęście pani w końcu zdołała sprawdzić, jak wyglądają drzwi z drugiej strony. Sekretarka patrzy na mnie pytająco. „Wszystko w porządku, już się chyba przyzwyczaiłam, że ludzie różnie reagują” – mówię. No bo przecież nikt nigdy im nie powiedział, jak powinni się zachowywać w takich sytuacjach. Dlaczego jednak po otrzymaniu informacji nie potrafią zakończyć na zwykłym „przykro mi” ?

Dzień trzeci. Zebranie kierowników terenowych. Przy stole siedzi pięciu mężczyzn i ja. Czekamy na dyrektora. Jeden z kierowników to mój kolega. Siedzi obok mnie. „Wróciłaś do pracy? Do kiedy” – pyta. „Już niestety na stałe” – odpowiadam. „Och, rozumiem, przykro mi.” Zajarzył, całe szczęście nie musiałam mu tego tutaj tłumaczyć. No ale nie mogło być aż tak pięknie. To dopiero trzeci dzień, dajmy ludziom szansę. Na drugim końcu stołu siedzi uśmiechnięty pan. Kiedy doczekał się w końcu kontaktu wzrokowego z moją osobą, entuzjastycznie krzyknął przez cały gabinet: „Pani Ania! Jest pani w pracy! Jak się pani czuje?” „Dziękuję, dobrze” – odpowiadam mechanicznie. „Ale jeżeli pani jest w pracy, to znaczy, że wszystko w porządku?” No, zaczyna się. „Nie jest w porządku, ale dziękuję. Jestem już w pracy, więc jeżeli czegoś pan potrzebuje, to pozostaję do dyspozycji.” Chyba nie dało się na to uprzejmiej odpowiedzieć, prawda? „Nie, nie, ja pytam o dziecko pani Aniu. Jak już pani jest, to znaczy, że lekarz pracować pozwolił?” „Nie, nie jest w porządku, ale dziękuję”. W tym momencie rozmowie przyglądali się już wszyscy zgromadzeni, zwłaszcza, że pan pytający siedział naprawdę daleko ode mnie. Niech szlag trafi te długie stoły konferencyjne. „Ale ja o ciążę pytałem.” Tak, już teraz wszyscy patrzą z zacikawieniem. „Wiem, o co pan pytał. Ja straciłam tę ciążę, dlatego jestem w pracy”. W tym momecie zainteresowanie tematem jakby osłabło. Z wszystkich patrzących we mnie został tylko ten właśnie pytający pan, reszta patrzyła już w blat stołu. „Aaaa, rozumiem, to przepraszam, nie wiedziałem. To w takim razie musimy porozmawiać na osobności. Bo wie pani” – ściasza głos – „Ja też nie mogę mieć dzieci”. Na to nie byłam przygotowana. Odpowiadam prawie odruchowo – „Ale ja mogę mieć dzieci. To znaczy, przykro mi, że pan nie może, ale ja mogę”. Cisza. W trzecim dniu udało mi się spowodować totalną ciszę w pomieszczeniu pełnym zniecierpliwionych kierowników. A wszyscy wiemy, że kierownicy wybitnie lubią mówić, bo przecież są tacy mądrzy i tak dużo rzeczy chcą wszystkim przekazać. Jakoś nikt nie kwapił się do dalszej konweracji. Po skończonym dniu wracam do domu. Całe szczęście, że akurat wypada długi weekend. W piątek praktycznie nikogo nie będzie w pracy, więc nie będę musiała przechodzić przez kolejne etapy informowania. Swoją drogą, jak to możliwe, że taka informacja nie dotarła przez trzy dni do wszystkich w tak plotkarskiej firmie? To naprawdę jakiś cud. Może już pierwszego dnia powinnam udać się do pań z księgowości i im oświadczyć, że straciłam dziecko. One są zawsze niezawodne, działają lepiej niż mail i radiowęzeł razem wzięte. Mój błąd. Oszczędziłoby mi to wiele kłopotu.

Pierwsze dni po powrocie do pracy mam już za sobą. Jak widać przeżyłam, większych ran nie odniosłam. Przez te trzy dni nauczyłam się już, żeby nie mówić „poroniłam”. To działa na ludzi w dziwny sposób. Boją się, zatykają usta w przerażeniu, uciekają, albo po prostu gadają głupoty. Lepsze reakcje pojawiają się na „straciłam ciążę”. Może wynika to z tego, że rozmówca nie do końca wtedy wie, co się tak naprawdę stało. Ciężko jest odpowiadać na te wszystkie pytania, szczególnie że najczęściej zadają je obcy ludzie, z którymi łączy mnie tylko to, że podpisaliśmy umowę z tym samym pracodawcą. Cieszę się, że już pracuję, ale jednocześnie uważam, że dobrze, że dałam sobie czas. Teraz jestem w stanie już właściwie wykonywać swoje obowiązki. Zaczynam żyć jak przed ciążą. Muszę wpaść w ten rytm. Na spotkaniu, na którym jedna z koleżanek nie potrafiła znaleźć wyjścia z sytuacji, szybko powiedziałam, co należy zrobić i jak poprowadzić sprawę, żeby było dobrze. „Ooo, widzę że Ania już wróciła na odpowiednie tory. Witamy z powrotem.” – powiedziała zaprzyjaźniona prawniczka. Miło usłyszeć coś takiego. Tak, po totalnym wykolejeniu jestem znów na torach, jadę dalej. Po poniesionej stracie wracam do gry. Postanowiłam trzymać głowę w górze. Pracuję. Po tych trzech dniach stwierdzam, że większość ludzi zachowuje się normalnie. Oczywiście w pierwszym kontakcie, jeżeli nie wiedzą jeszcze, co się stało, pytają o ciążę, jednak gdy już wiedzą, nie lamentują i nie zasypują mnie dziwnymi pytaniami. To naturalne, że pytają, też bym może i zapytała. Niektórzy przypatrują się, szukają brzucha, który na tym etapie mógłby już być widoczny. Swoją drogą, muszę poćwiczyć nad sylwetką, bo niektórzy patrząc na moją wypukłość brzuszną chyba nie dowierzają przekazywanej przeze mnie informacji. Na pewno odpowiem jeszcze pary razy na krępujące i bolące pytania, ale jest to do zniesienia. Trzeba wymyślić sobie jedną lub dwie odpowiedzi i wytrwale się ich trzymać. Odpowiadam zawsze uprzejmie, spokojnie. Nie złoszczę się. Nie mam jednak zamiaru więcej przepraszać, że swoim poronieniem wprawiłam kogoś w zakłopotoanie. Ale o tym, to może już w następnym poście…

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