Wszystko dzieli się na „przed” i „po” prysznicu

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Na świat patrzę przyjaźnie, staram się brać rzeczy takimi, jakimi są, nie komplikuję sobie rzeczywistości. Przynajmniej tak zakładam. W kontaktach z ludźmi jestem raczej otwarta, jednak są typy osobowości, z którymi się nie dogadam. Staram się nie oceniać, bo nie znoszę być oceniana. Pomagam, kiedy ktoś tego potrzebuje, potrafię też o pomoc poprosić. Jestem choleryczką, jednak uczę się brać w ciężkich chwilach głęboki oddech i liczyć do 10 tyle razy, ile jest to konieczne. Wierzę w karmę, więc staram się życzyć innym tego, czego życzyłabym sobie i nie życzyć im tego, czego sama bym nie chciała. Jestem fanką filozofii new age. Jestem optymistką. Tak żyję, przynajmniej przez większość czasu. Jednak teraz jest mi trudniej, inaczej. Patrzenie na świat, na ludzi, na plany, na przyszłość. Czasem mam wrażenie, że całe moje dotychczasowe życie skończyło się w momencie wyjścia spod tego cholernego prysznica w dzień kontroli u ginekologa. Wszystko podzieliło się na to „przed”, i na to „po”. Czasem zastanawiam się, po co ja spod niego w ogóle wychodziłam.

Związek. Mój związek z D. zdecydowanie dzieli się na „przed” i „po”. Teraz jest mocniejszy, pewniejszy. Przez ostatni miesiąc sporo się zmieniło. Jeżeli to był egzamin, to zdaliśmy go z wynikiem bardzo dobrym. „Przed” pojawiały się pewne wątpliwości, „po” zniknęły. Już „przed” byłam wystarczająco zakochana i przekonana. Szkoda, że musiało się wydarzyć „po”, żebym nabrała stuprocentowej pewności.

Przyjaciele. „Po” bardzo weryfikuje wszelkie znajomości. Nie informowaliśmy o ciąży wszystkich naokoło, dużo osób nie wiedziało. Wśród bliskich znajomych nie robiliśmy z tego jednak tajemnicy. Większość z nich ucieszyła się na wiadomość o ciąży. Bardzo przeżyli też informację o jej stracie. Takich emocji nie da się udawać, to po prostu widać. Parę reakcji mnie jednak zaskoczyło. Szczególnie osób, które teoretycznie powinny być najbliższe. Jednego jestem pewna – krąg ludzi, który zostanie poinformowany przez nas o kolejnej ciąży, zostanie o parę pozycji zawężony. Nie mam też zamiaru paru „bliskich” informować o jej przebiegu. Wiem, że brzmi to przezabawnie z ust osoby, która pisze o tym blog, jednak na szczęście osoby, które mnie znają, a o blogu wiedzą, z listy nie wypadły. Ciężko niektóre zachowania zrozumieć. Zimna obojętność boli, mimo że nigdy nie szukałam na siłę współczucia. Boli też, kiedy zdajesz sobie sprawę, że komuś z powodu straty twojej ciąży mogło ulżyć. Sądzę, że istnieją osoby, które nawet we własnym sumieniu się do tego nie przyznają, jednak mogły poczuć coś innego, niż smutek. Są też ludzie, którzy za cel postawili sobie udowodnienie i wmówienie mi, że z tą następną ciążą to wcale tak łatwo nie będzie. Mam nadzieję, że przemawia przez nich jedynie troska, a nie zawiść. Nigdy się tego nie dowiem, bo nie siedzę w niczyjej głowie. Moja lista znajomych została już zweryfikowana. I dobrze. Po prysznicu w tamten poniedziałek zmył się nie tylko pot i brud, ale i niepotrzebne znajomości.

Zdrowie. Z tym nigdy nie miałam większych problemów. Lekarzy widywałam w zasadzie jedynie przy okazji badań okresowych z pracy. Starałam się jeść zdrowo, jednak fast foodów nie omijałam jakimś szczególnie szerokim łukiem. Nie uprawiałam żadnych sportów, bo przecież czasu brak, no i wieczne zmęczenie też nie pomagało. Pytanie tylko, czy to było zmęczenie, czy po prostu nie chciało mi się ruszyć tego leniwego tyłka z kanapy? No, to już zostawię dla siebie. Stara prawda głosi: nie mów o sobie źle, inni mówią wystarczająco dużo. Więc zostańmy przy tym, że byłam notorycznie zmęczona i brakowało mi czasu, by trochę nad sobą popracować. Po zabiegu bieganie stało się dla mnie kolejnym sposobem, by poczuć się lepiej. Biegam z D. Z jednej strony jest to ciekawa forma wspólnego spędzania czasu, z drugiej widzę znaczną poprawę kondycji. No i przede wszystkim ciało też zaczyna inaczej wyglądać (choć nigdy jakoś szczególnie złe nie było.) Pomęczyłam trochę dentystę, do czego już bardzo długo nie mogłam się zebrać. Mam też zamiar upewnić się, że tarczyca nie będzie nam w kolejnej ciąży sprawiała problemów. Patrzę na to inaczej. Już nie bagatelizuję spraw związanych ze zdrowiem. Teraz nie chodzi tylko o mnie. Kiedy zajdę w kolejną ciążę, chcę być pewna, że zrobiłam wszystko, żeby dziecko miało ułatwiony start. Chcę być dla niego zdrowym i wygodnym domem na te pierwsze 9 miesięcy.

Imprezy. Tutaj akurat zmieniło się dużo. Prowadzimy z D. dość aktywne życie towarzyskie. Lubimy to. Nie mówię o imprezach rodem z „Warsaw shore”, jednak weekendowy wieczory przeważnie było coś, gdzieś. „Przed” pozostawałam w bliskiej przyjaźni z ginem z tonikiem. Dodatkowo picie przeze mnie alkoholu bez zapalenia papierosa nie istniało. Kiedy wiedziałam, że jest możliwość, że jestem w ciąży, imprez nie było. Mieliśmy parę spokojniejszych weekendów, takich na kolacji ze znajomymi, przy filmie. Od pojawienia się dwóch kresek na teście tym bardziej. Wszelkie używki zostały kategorycznie odstawione. Nie słuchałam ludzi, którzy mówili, że kieliszek wina nie zaszkodzi, albo że jeżeli organizm domaga się nikotyny, to nie można mu tego odmawiać, bo to przecież szok. Szczególnie, że palić tak naprawdę nie musiałam. Nie byłam palaczem zaczynającym i kończącym dnia papierosem. Jednak palacz to palacz, nie będę się tu nad tym rozwodzić. „Po” bardzo długo odrzucało mnie od alkoholu. Kiedy już mogłam go pić, wcale tego nie chciałam. Później, na grillu ze znajomymi odkryłam, że po wypiciu dwóch piw jestem tak pijana, że właściwie to bełkoczę, a nie mówię. Jednak prawie 4 miesiące nie picia niczego wysokoprocentowego odzwyczaiło organizm od alkoholu. A później, po tych dwóch piwach, kac. Taki prawdziwy, z bólem głowy, suchością w ustach i złym humorem. Papierosów też już nie palę, bo po co? Nikotyna utrzymuje się w organizmie jeszcze długo po zgaszeniu ostatniego papierosa. Chęć zajścia w następną ciążę raczej się z tym kłóci. Na alkohol patrzę teraz inaczej. Nie dlatego, że uważam, że jest zły, tylko dlatego, że zauważyłam, jak dobrze się czuję, gdy go nie piję. W ciąży potrafiłam wychodzić i bawić się świetnie bez niego. Taki detoks chyba po prostu jest mi teraz potrzebny. Imprezy „przed” i „po” różnią się więc przede wszystkim tym, że po tych „po” o wiele lepiej się czuję.

Starania o dziecko. „Przed” było to o tyle proste, że o tym nie myśleliśmy. Po prostu stwierdziliśmy, że przestajemy uważać, a reszta stała się sama. Czysta przyjemność. Teraz chwilowo seks też jest czystą przyjemnością, która ze staraniem o dziecko nie ma nic wspólnego. Przed kolejną próbą muszę zrobić wszystko, żeby udało nam się wrócić do poprzedniego sposobu myślenia. Trzy cykle określone przez lekarza mijają zaskakująco szybko. Myślałam, że to się będzie ciągnąć w nieskończoność, a tak naprawdę nie wiem, kiedy przyszła pierwsza z trzech wyczekiwanych miesiączek. Pewnego dnia D. powiedział, żebym nie narzucała sobie terminu. Przyjdzie lipiec, to będziemy wiedzieć, czy to już teraz, czy jeszcze nie. Ja wiem, że on ma rację, jednak wieczorem po tej rozmowie w dość jęczliwy sposób zakomunikowałam mu, że jeżeli zmienił zdanie i nie chce teraz dziecka, musi mi o tym powiedzieć teraz, a nie czekać do lipca. „To nie o to chodzi, że nie chcę.” – odpowiedział – „Po prostu wcześniej wszystko wyglądało inaczej. Żyliśmy sobie fajnie, zdecydowaliśmy, że chcemy dziecko, pojawiła się ciąża. Wszystko było pięknie. Nie chcę, żeby staranie o kolejne dziecko przerodziło się w jakąś produkcję. Już, teraz, bo trzeba mieć dziecko, bo wszyscy się wokół starają, bo straciliśmy jedno swoje. Po prostu już o tym nie mówmy, za dużo mówienia o tym wszędzie i przez wszystkich”. On ma rację. „Po” większa część naszego życia kręciła się tylko i wyłącznie wokół tych tematów. Z koleżankami rozmawiałam albo o ich staraniach, ich ciążach, albo o stracie mojej, o dochodzeniu do siebie po zabiegu. Może już wystarczy. D. powiedział później, że jeżeli chcę o tym rozmawiać, to oczywiście możemy, ale niech to nie przesłoni nam całego świata. Tak, starania „po” na pewno nie będą tak beztroskie, jak starania „przed”, jednak postaram się wyłączyć myślenie na tyle, by były chociaż podobne. Może ćwiczenie powrotu do starego myślenia również warto zacząć pod prysznicem?

Moja ciąża. Tu zmieniło się chyba najwięcej. Niestety. Kiedy tak się nad tym zastanawiam, muszę powiedzieć, że nigdy nie byłam tak skołowana. Z jednej strony mam wielką nadzieję, że szybko ponownie na teście pojawią się dwie kreski, z drugiej bardzo boję się tego, co będzie działo się później. Chyba nad tym nie zapanuję. Przed ciążą wybrałam się na jedną wizytę kontrolną do ginekologa, jednak nie robiłam żadnych badań. Wyszłam z założenia, że wszystko będzie dobrze, bo niby dlaczego miałoby nie być? Teraz podejście odrobinę się zmieniło. W zasadzie to codziennie walczę z zagrażającą paranoją, z nakręcającą się spiralą strachu. Przesadzam? Tak, to tylko jedno poronienie, z nieznanych przyczyn. Jedno i aż. Oczywiście, że byłabym spokojna, gdyby ktoś dał mi pewność, że to nie było od nas zależne, że to był przypadek i nigdy już się nie powtórzy. Jednak przez ostatni miesiąc nikogo takiego nie spotkałam, i raczej się na to nie zapowiada. Ktoś chętny? Nie? Tak myślałam, nic z tego, już nigdy nie będzie tak, jak  „przed”. Chcę cieszyć się ciążą, a nie ciągle drżeć o jej utratę. Dlatego robię teraz wszystko, żeby chociaż trochę się uspokoić. To dlatego „po” nałogowo umawiałam się na wizyty u ginekologa, a teraz swoje umiłowanie do badań przeniosę na endokrynologa. Przynajmniej do czasu, aż będzie powód, żeby znowu wrócić do tego pierwszego. Dlatego wieczorami biegam, nie ciągnie mnie do alkoholu, nie chcę palić, nawet okazyjnie, sumiennie zażywam jod i kwas foliowy, piję dużo wody. Tylko czy to wszystko nie sprawi, że głowa się zablokuje? Czy ja nie zwariuję? Chcę w następnej ciąży cieszyć się tak samo, jak w tej, którą straciłam. Chcę czekać na to dziecko równie mocno. Chcę co tydzień czytać z D., na jakim etapie rozwoju jest teraz nasz skarb. Chcę oglądać te wszystkie cudowne wizualizacje ciążowe i gładzić się po brzuchu. Jednak „po” nigdy już nie będzie tak samo. Będę ostrożniejsza, bardziej wyważona, bardziej świadoma. Ale też chyba bardziej gotowa. Ja naprawdę jestem pogodzona z losem i wiem, że go nie zmienię. Ale mam nadzieję, większą niż wcześniej. Wiem, że nie zepsuję sobie kolejnej ciąży stałym szukaniem problemów i odpowiedzi w googlach. Tak, żadna ciąża „po” już nie będzie taka, jak ta „przed”. Mam też ogromną nadzieję, że przede wszystkim każda następna będzie miała inne zakończenie, szczęśliwe. Przyjdzie kiedyś taki dzień, kiedy będę stała pod prysznicem przed ciążową wizytą kontrolną u ginekologa. Nie chcę znowu się bać spod tego prysznica wychodzić.

Ciąże w otoczeniu. Niestety moje poronienie wpłynęło też na kobiety w moim bliskim otoczeniu. Najlepiej mają te, które są już w późniejszych tygodniach, jednak te, które dopiero zaczynają…Jedna z moich koleżanek właśnie dowiedziała się o swojej ciąży. W rozmowie ze mną cały czas powtarza sformułowania typu : „Jak do tego dotrwam”, „Jak mi się uda”, „Jeżeli wszystko będzie dobrze”, „O ile donoszę” itd. Tak, strata ciąży kogoś ze znajomych nie ma dobrego wpływu na pozostałe oczekujące mamy. „Po” jest im zdecydowanie trudniej myśleć pozytywnie. Wiem, że świadomie nie zrobiłam nikomu krzywdy, jednak gdzieś tak z tyłu głowy czuję się źle z tym, że mój przykład może być dla kogoś powodem do zmartwień. Zmieniło się też moje patrzenie na ciąże koleżanek. „Po” jest zupełnie inaczej. Przede wszystkim nigdy tak mocno nie trzymałam kciuków za kobiety, które wcześniej już poroniły. Kolejne przykłady ich zdrowych ciąż są dla mnie ogromnym pocieszeniem i nadzieją. Wcześniej wszystkim życzyłam dobrze, jednak teraz odczuwam to bardziej, mocniej. Otrzymywanie wiadomości o ciążach w otoczeniu nie jest dla mnie bolesne, a tego bałam się najbardziej. Nie chciałam być osobą, która z niezdrową zazdrością patrzy na ciężarne koleżanki. I na szczęście udało mi się nią nie zostać. Kiedy znajoma powiedziała mi, jak bardzo trzęsły jej się ręce, kiedy na teście zobaczyła dwie kreski, przypomniałam sobie swoją reakcję na nasze dwie kreski. Podczas wieczornego biegania z D. wybuchnęłam płaczem, takim głośnym, niepowstrzymanym. Czy ja jestem złym człowiekiem? Nie. Ja nie płaczę dlatego, że ktoś zaszedł w ciążę, tylko dlatego, że ja straciłam swoją. Z ciąż koleżanek cieszę się bardzo, szczególnie że wiele z nich wie, jak ciężko jest w nią zajść. Cieszę się i wiem, jak one cieszyły się z mojej. Wiem też, że będą cieszyć się, kiedy znowu nam się uda. Jednak „przed” informacja o pozytywnym wyniku testu nigdy nie wywołałaby u mnie spazmatycznego płaczu. To chyba jeszcze wszystko za świeże, by nie budziło skrajnych emocji. Dopóki nie odczuwam w głowie chorych emocji, dopóki nie zazdroszczę w sposób, w jaki nie powinno się zazdrościć i dopóki informacja o ciążach cieszy mnie, a nie złości, uważam że wszystko ze mną w porządku. Nie mogę jednak udawać, że na tym etapie informacja o jakiejkolwiek ciąży nie kojarzy mi się z moją. Tak było „przed”, to se ne vrati, przynajmniej w najbliższym czasie.

Tak, mój świat „przed” i „po” zdecydowanie różnią się od siebie. Moja strata wpłynęła nie tylko na mnie. Po wyjściu spod prysznica i udaniu się na wizytę u ginekologa zmieniło się właściwie wszystko. Początkowo świat spowolnił, wszystko działo się obok mnie. Później świat nie miał kolorów ani smaków. Z czasem kolory wróciły. Smaki też. Z czasem wszystko wraca do normy. Pewne rzeczy jednak nigdy nie będą takie same. Nawet bym nie chciała, żeby były. Czekam na dalsze wydarzenia, czekam na nie z nadzieją, z niecierpliwością. Wierzę, że będzie dobrze. Po opuszczeniu kabiny prycznicowej wszystko nabrało innego znaczenia. Czekam na kolejny prysznic, który zmyje ze mnie obawy, oczyści z żalu. Wiem, że mam szansę pod tym prysznicem niedługo stanąć z moim dzieckiem. Zdrowym. Nie mogę się tego doczekać. Niech ten prysznic już się stanie.

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