Jak poronić i nie zwariować – wersja medyczna

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O wybitności mojego przypadku mogłabym słuchać codziennie. W głowie cały czas brzmią  „W życiu nie widziałem, żeby ktoś tak szybko wracał do zdrowia”, i „Nie musi pani na nic już czekać, jest pani gotowa do następnej ciąży”. Po drodze rodzi się jeszcze tysiąc podobnych pomysłów na to, co powinni mi rzec lekarze i jakie sformułowania powinny padać podczas kolejnych wizyt. Tak, o niezwykłych cechach regeneracyjnych mojego ciała i niesłychanie szybkim powrocie psychiki do stanu sprzed zabiegu mogłabym słuchać codziennie, tyle że nikt do tej pory nic takiego nie zechciał o mnie powiedzieć.

Długo wyczekiwana piątkowa wizyta u ginekologa nadeszła. Przed wyjściem z domu spakowałam wszystkie wyniki w ładną teczkę, wzięłam swój notes z pytaniami i pojechałam. Tym razem była ze mną przyjaciółka. Umówiłyśmy się na wizytę jedna po drugiej, żeby było raźniej w poczekalni. W końcu moja kolej, wchodzę. Boże, tylko żebym się nie zbłaźniła. Jestem spokojną, zrównoważoną, pogodzoną ze stratą, wzorcową pacjentką. Tak, tak muszę się zaprezentować, żeby lekarz miał szansę stwierdzić tą moją skrywaną dotychczas wybitność.

Wyniki histopatologiczne odebrałam tego samego dnia do południa, żeby nie dawać sobie możliwości analizowania ich w Internecie już dwa dni przed wizytą. Opis makroskopowy – „Materiał tkankowy rozfragmentowany o średnicy 7cm.” Rozpoznanie – „Fragmenty doczesnej z ogniskową martwicą, złogami włóknika oraz kosmki ze zmianami wstecznymi.” Nawet nie będąc lekarzem potrafiłam stwierdzić, że to chyba nic groźnego, prawdopodobnie większość tych wyników wygląda podobnie. Opinia lekarza nie jest dla mnie zaskoczeniem. „Tak jak pani mówiłem, zazwyczaj te badania nie wykazują bezpośredniej przyczyny poronienia. Robi się je głównie po to, by wykluczyć nowotworowy rozrost tkanek w postaci zaśniadu groniastego ciążowego, bo wtedy trzeba by panią leczyć”. Później pan doktor wytłumaczył mi jeszcze raz, że w większości przypadków poronienia nie są nawykowe, a dopiero przy nawykowych prowadzi się badania genetyczne rodziców i doszukuje się przyczyn. Nie czułam większej potrzeby rozmowy o takich badaniach, ponieważ zakładam, że poronienia nawykowe nas nie dotyczą. Skoro postanowiłam być optymistką i się nie zamartwiać na zapas, to już wypada się tego trzymać.

Przystępujemy do analizy wyników TSH. Na samym początku ciąży poziom TSH wynosił u mnie 3,98 przy wartości referencyjnej 0,4-4,0. Ginekolog i endokrynolog zgodnie (bez żadnej grupowej konsultacji) stwierdzili, że tragedii  nie ma, jest za to niedobór jodu w organizmie. Następnie oboje zalecili dostarczenie brakującego jodu, jeden lekarz w postaci tabletek, drugi metodami naturalnymi. Ponieważ od początku ciąży zażywałam przepisany przez ginekologa Jodid100, postanowiłam się tego trzymać. Badania robione w okolicach 10 tygodnia ciąży dały wynik TSH 3,18, co niezmiernie mnie ucieszyło i utwierdziło w przekonaniu, że tabletki działają i wszystko idzie dobrze. Po wyjściu ze szpitala odstawiłam wszystkie zażywane w ciąży preparaty. Wynik robiony 2 tygodnie po zabiegu wykazał poziom TSH 2,6, czyli blisko ciążowego ideału. W głowie oczywiście zrodziło mi się pytanie, czy TSH mogło tak podskoczyć z powodu ciąży. „Ciąża nie wpływa na pani poziom hormonów tarczycy” – usłyszałam. „To poziom hormonów tarczycy może wpływać na ciążę.” Mój problem w tym przypadku chyba polega na tym, że przy takim poziomie TSH nikt tak naprawdę nie stwierdza problemu. Żaden endokrynolog nie zacznie mnie leczyć, ponieważ nie przekraczam norm. Ginekolog na tym etapie też stwierdził, że skoro wartość spada, należy tylko tę tendencję utrzymać. Rada- nadal brać Jodid100. Po wynikach widać, że działa. Lekarz zalecił również dalsze zażywanie kwasu foliowego, co pewnie nie ma związku z moją tarczycą, ale przy staraniach o dziecko może być przydatne. Badania TSH powinnam powtórzyć przed kolejną ciążą, żeby zobaczyć, jak się sprawy mają.

Następna część rozmowy z lekarzem nie jest najfajniejsza, nie spełnił on moich oczekiwań co do terminu zajścia w kolejną ciążę. Nadal utrzymuje, że należy trochę odczekać i dać ciału i głowie odpocząć. Niestety należę raczej do posłusznych pacjentek, więc nie będę się o to za bardzo wykłócać. „Pani ciało wraca do formy, jest pani zdrowa, jednak psychika też ma tu ogromne znaczenie”. Ale o co chodzi? Przecież z moją psychiką jest wszystko dobrze, siedzę tu spokojna, zrównoważona, pogodzona i wzorcowa. „Zrobiłam sobie jeszcze betę HCG i mam wynik 23,36” – wyśpiewuję dumna z siebie i swojej wiedzy na temat „odciążania organizmu”. „Po co pani to zrobiła? Widzi pani, te wyniki nic pani nie dadzą, a powodują kolejne pytania, na które lekarze niekoniecznie będą potrafili odpowiedzieć. Beta będzie spadać, niech sobie spada spokojnie, niczego pani nie przyśpieszy. Właśnie robienie takich wyników jest dla mnie sygnałem, że z pani głową jeszcze nie do końca jest dobrze”. No świetnie, właśnie usłyszałam od swojego ginekologa, że mam nierówno pod sufitem. No ale co będę udawać, przecież sama wiem, jak bardzo chciałam, żeby wynik był poniżej 1, żeby już móc oczekiwać kolejnej miesiączki i nowego cyklu. Starając się nie idealizować mojego lekarza muszę stwierdzić, że niestety ma rację. W chwili obecnej, mimo że staram się bardzo, żeby tak nie było, bardzo chciałabym być w kolejnej ciąży. Może nie od razu, nie w tym miesiącu, ale szybko. Jestem nałogowym nawiedzaczem gabinetu ginekologicznego i przy okazji kobietą poszukującą zapewnień, obsesyjnie pragnącą znowu znaleźć się w grupie, która już może zacząć próbować. „Jak głowa odpocznie, może pani zacząć się starać o dziecko, jeszcze chwila, proszę mi zaufać.” No zaufam, zaufam, wyjścia nie mam. Całe szczęście silniejszy od mojej nowej obsesji jest strach przed nieposłuchaniem lekarza i dostaniem opierniczu przy kolejnej wizycie. Przecież jestem spokojną, zrównoważoną, pogodzoną ze stratą, a przede wszystkim wzorcową pacjentką – nie jestem na tyle szalona, żeby ryzykować utratą tego wizerunku.

„Pani doktorze, czy to możliwe, że mam już owulację?” – pytam, spoglądając na kalendarz. Właściwie to nie wiem po co patrzyłam, przecież analizowałam to wcześniej setki razy i wiem dokładnie, ile czasu minęło od zabiegu. Pewnie podświadomość kazała patrzeć i udawać, że liczę, żeby nie wyszło na jaw, że liczyłam już wcześniej. Takie patrzenie, liczenie i udawanie myślenia uwiarygadnia trochę to moje zrównoważenie i spokój, którego lekarz nie był łaskawy do tej pory zauważyć. „A co, robiła pani sobie testy owulacyjne? – no, to już było powiedziane z lekkim wyrzutem. Tu pytam ile mam czekać z następną ciążą, a tu już się cieszę, że owulacja. „Nie, widzę po śluzie, ślepy by zauważył, tyle tego jest”. – ufff, jak dobrze, że nie wpadłam na pomysł robienia testu…nie jest ze mną aż tak źle. „Możliwe, może pani już mieć. Następna miesiączka powinna przyjść około czterech tygodni po zabiegu, ale nie jest to obligatoryjne, może ale nie musi, sprawa indywidualna, zależy od organizmu”. Będę czekać, cierpliwość to cecha, która w tej całej sytuacji jest przeze mnie trenowana każdego dnia, i jeszcze trochę będę musiała ją poćwiczyć przez najbliższy czas.

Sprawa jest jasna, mam dojść do siebie, uspokoić głowę, doprowadzić ciało do pełni sił, czekać. Przed rozpoczęciem starań o dziecko powinnam powtórzyć badania TSH i sprawdzić, czy nie zaraziłam się toksoplazmozą. Przez cały czas mam zażywać kwas foliowy i jod. Ginekolog zalecił skończyć z analizami, zbędnymi badaniami i pytaniami. Mam sobie zrobić przerwę od lekarzy i żyć normalnie. Zostałam również zapewniona, że kolejną ciążę będziemy traktowali normalnie, ponieważ to poronienie nie będzie mieć na nią żadnego wpływu. Było to odpowiedzią na zadane przeze mnie pytanie, czy w następnej ciąży na wizyty będziemy przychodzić co 2 tygodnie i czy będę brała od początku duphaston…bardzo racjonalne myślenie spokojnej, zrównoważonej, pogodzonej ze stratą, wzorcowej pacjentki, gratulacje Ania, naprawdę.

Kończę więc na tę chwilę z wizytami, wynikami i analizami. Będę słuchać mojego lekarza, choćby inni ludzie i wszystkie Internety na świecie mówiły mi co innego. Znam siebie, posłuszeństwo ginekologowi zapewni mi spokój i uchroni od myślenia typu „O matko, a jak się pośpieszę i za szybko zajdę i przez to z tą ciążą będzie coś nie tak”. Trzy cykle to nie jest długo, w porównaniu do tego, na co mam szansę po ich nastaniu. Czy po trzech cyklach rozpoczniemy starania? Nie wiem, mam nadzieję. Zależy to w takim samym stopniu ode mnie, jak od D., nie chcę niczego przyspieszać na siłę. Jak już będziemy gotowi, zaprosimy jakąś oczekującą w kolejce duszę do siebie i na tę chwilę pozostaje mi tylko wierzyć, że szybko przyjmie nasze zaproszenie. W końcu jesteśmy tacy fajni 🙂

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