Jak poronić i nie zwariować

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„Oglądaj dużo pozytywnych filmów”, „Wygadaj się komuś”, „Idź do kościoła, tam znajdziesz spokój”, „Jak najszybciej wróć do pracy”, „Chodź na długie spacery”, „Wyjedź gdzieś, chociaż na weekend”, „Zacznij układać puzzle”, „Mam dobrą książkę, mogę ci pożyczyć”, „Upij się, ale to tak porządnie”. Czy Ty też masz taką jedną rzecz, którą robisz, jak Ci źle? Spacery, muzyka, rozmowa, jedzenie słodyczy, wycieczka, impreza. Co poleciłbyś znajomemu, który przechodzi przez coś ciężkiego? Co można polecić kobiecie, która właśnie poroniła upragnione dziecko? No i przede wszystkim, której z tych rad owa kobieta powinna posłuchać?

Mój plan na ciążę był dopracowany w 100%. Pracować przestałam w 10 tygodniu, ze względu na dalekie dojazdy. Już po tygodniu wolnego udało mi się zapomnieć o dotychczasowych obowiązkach, w głowie miałam zupełnie co innego. Pewnego dnia wybrałam się do księgarni w rynku kupić D. prezent na urodziny. Pogoda była wymarzona na taki spacer, wczesna wiosna, pierwsze odczuwalnie dodatnie temperatury po zimie. Idąc przez rynek zobaczyłam ludzi siedzących w świeżo rozłożonych ogródkach piwnych. Co to za ludzie? Kto siedzi w środku tygodnia o 12:00 w południe na rynku i pije kawę, albo spotyka się ze znajomymi? (Może nie licząc dobrze sytuowanych emerytów, studentów oraz żon Hollywood). Kto ma na to czas? I wtedy przebłysk w głowie – JA! Ja przez najbliższe pół roku! Mogę chodzić na spacery, czytać książki popijając sok w kawiarni i w zasadzie to nigdzie mi się nie śpieszy. Umawiając się na wizytę do fryzjera już nie muszę mówić, że w grę wchodzą tylko godziny wieczorne lub weekendy, wszystko jest jakieś takie prostsze. Na czas zwolnienia miałam naprawdę wspaniałe pomysły. Miałam zamiar gotować wszystkie te czasochłonne potrawy, na gotowanie których do tej pory nie starczało mi godzin po powrocie z pracy. Dom miał wręcz lśnić czystością, przynajmniej do pojawienia się w nim dziecka. Planowałam jeździć na wieś do mamy i odpoczywać w ogrodzie, jak tylko zrobi się naprawdę ciepło no i oczywiście chodzić na basen w tygodniu, w godzinach, w których nie ma tam tysiąca ludzi. To wszystko miało być, ale jak to w życiu bywa, jest zupełnie inaczej.

Pierwszy tydzień po zabiegu przeciekł mi przez palce, nawet nie wiem kiedy. Dokładnie 7 dni po wyjściu ze szpitala jechałam autobusem i zdałam sobie sprawę, że wokół jest pełno zieleni. Jak to możliwe, że wcześniej nie zauważyłam, że na drzewach są już liście? Wiosna przyszła, mimo że dla mnie czas stanął w miejscu. Z drugiej strony dobrze wiedzieć, że świat się nie zatrzymał, teraz tylko trzeba go jakoś dogonić.

W mieszkaniu nastał istny armagedon, naprawdę, syf syfa syfem poganiał. Nie spodziewałam się, że to tak będzie wyglądać. Wprawdzie nie doszłam do etapu leżenia bez kąpieli przez parę dni w łóżku z zasuniętymi roletami, ale daleko nie byłam. W zasadzie to wstawałam rano i nie robiłam nic. Snułam się po domu, czasem odebrałam telefon w wiadomym temacie, coś przegryzłam, do gotowania mi się też za bardzo nie śpieszyło. Krótki spacer z siostrą, wycieczka z D. po okolicznych wioskach, trzygodzinna zawiecha, później prysznic, znowu przychodził wieczór i razem z nim cowieczorny wylew żalu. Jak długo to potrwa? „Daj sobie czas” – w tym zgadzali się wszyscy, rodzina i znajomi.

Ze szpitala wyszłam w środę, zanim się obejrzałam był już wtorek i płakałam w łóżku mówiąc do D., że minął już tydzień. Wtedy wpadłam na pomysł pisania bloga. Nie potrafię tak do końca o tym wszystkim rozmawiać, ale pisać…pisanie to zupełnie co innego. Siadam przed laptopem i zaczynam: „Jestem Ania. Jeszcze niedawno byłam w ciąży, niestety dziecko zmarło we mnie w 9 tygodniu, dowiedziałam się w 12…” No to zaczęłam, piszę. Czytając wpisy przed zamieszczeniem ich na ścianie zdaję sobie sprawę, że to lepsze niż psycholog. Nie zastanawiam się nad tym, co piszę, myśli same przychodzą mi do głowy i układają się w posty. Wszystko od momentu usłyszenia wiadomości o śmierci naszego dziecka wylewa się ze mnie i tworzy naszą historię. Tak, to jest to co czułam naprawdę, tu mogę to wszystko zostawić, to jest mój sposób.

Czy istnieje taka rzecz, którą można polecić kobiecie po stracie dziecka, by poczuła się lepiej? To chyba tak jak ze słowami pocieszenia, które by jej pomogły – nie ma takich słów. Co więc robić? Każda z nas przechodzi przez to indywidualnie, każda musi znaleźć swój sposób. Nie wszyscy będą pisać, nie wszystkim by to pomogło. Moja rada – nie zastanawiaj się nad sposobem, on sam do Ciebie przyjdzie. Jeżeli w trakcie robienia czegoś poczujesz się lepiej, rób to nadal. Może to być codzienne jeżdżenie za miasto i krzyczenie wniebogłosy, może pisanie listów, których nigdy nie wyślesz, rozmowy z zaufanymi przyjaciółmi, tłuczenie talerzy (na allegro można kupić zestawy tanie jak barszcz, służące w zasadzie chyba tylko do ich tłuczenia), spowiedź, śpiewanie, bieganie, boksowanie, cokolwiek sprawia, że jest Ci lepiej. Moje podejście nie musi być zrozumiałe dla wszystkich, ja swoją żałobę przechodzę właśnie tak. Moja tragedia już się wydarzyła i nic tego nie cofnie, tak jak nic nie cofnie Waszych. Masz prawo płakać codziennie nawet przez rok, jeżeli masz potrzebę, możesz też nie płakać w ogóle, Twoja sprawa. Jedno mogę stwierdzić na własnym przykładzie – sposób, jaki sobie znalazłam pomaga mi oddychać, sprawia, że idę do przodu, zaczynam myśleć pozytywnie, mam w sobie chęć i nadzieję. Zrób to samo, znajdź sposób, nie zatrzymuj się, żyj.

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