Jestem jedną na trzy

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Witamy w klubie matek, które straciły swoje dzieci. Nie możesz się w nim znaleźć, dopóki los nie zadecyduje, że powinnaś. Wypisać też się niestety nie możesz. Członkostwo przymusowe. Zachodząc w ciążę nikt nie zakłada takiego jej końca. W głowie jest niepokój, strach…ale taki koniec? Nikt nie chce w to wierzyć, aż naprawdę się to stanie i już nic nie możesz zrobić. „Dlaczego ja?” – też zadałam sobie to pytanie. Naokoło kobiety zachodzą w ciążę, rodzą, zachodzą, rodzą, i tak w koło. Pamiętam, co powiedział lekarz po tym, jak nie znalazł tętna – „Tak się kończy 30% wszystkich ciąż”. 30%? Co trzecia kobieta słyszy taką wiadomość? Jak to możliwe? Mam tyle znajomych, są w ciąży, rodzą zdrowe dzieci, to nie jest możliwe, że obumarłe ciąże są aż tak powszechne…Przecież facebook pełen jest wczesnych USG moich koleżanek. Każde z tych dzieci rozwija się i przychodzi na świat. Jak to jedna na trzy?

Z natury jestem optymistką, jednak czas ciąży był dla mnie czasem czarnych myśli. Martwiłam się o wiele rzeczy, doszukiwałam się problemów. Nie wiem po co. Może po to, żeby w porę zareagować, gdyby któryś z objawów okazał się groźny. Ja nie miałam żadnego sygnału, że coś jest źle, żadnego pewnego. Brak krwawień, dobre wyniki, świetne samopoczucie. Fakt, piersi przestały boleć. Na którymś forum przeczytałam, że u jednej z dziewczyn oznaczało to śmierć dziecka. „Przestaję to czytać, bo się nakręcam, u mnie nie musi to oznaczać niczego złego” – myślałam wtedy. Po pierwszym plamieniu, tym po stosunku, bałam się jak nigdy. Standardowo, forum, szybka analiza. Dziewczyny plamią, dostają leki na podtrzymanie, znam mnóstwo takich przypadków. „Jak będę na podtrzymaniu i mi każą stać na głowie przez cały dzień i się nie ruszać, to to zrobię, trudno” – nawet taki scenariusz mnie nie przerażał. Dla mojego dziecka zrobiłabym o wiele więcej. Nie do opisania jest uczucie, kiedy się dowiadujesz, że już nie możesz zrobić nic. Możesz stać na głowie nawet przez tydzień, możesz przy tym dodatkowo klaskać uszami, to się już stało, jesteś w klubie jednych na trzy.

W szpitalu na izbie przyjęć przeżywałam swoją osobistą tragedię. Chciałam być dzielna, nie płakałam, jednak sposób, w jaki rozmawiali ze mną niektórzy pracownicy oddziału…co za znieczulica. Nie, to nie znieczulica. Ci ludzie mają swoje domy, swoje życia, swoje zmartwienia. Pracując w szpitalu widzą gorsze przypadki. Widzą matki, które urodziły martwe dzieci, które w ciąży chodziły nawet 9 miesięcy, a i tak wracają do domu same. Oni znają matki, których dzieci urodziły się tak chore, że każdy oddech sprawiał im ból. Widzą kobiety, które na zabieg łyżeczkowania wracają regularnie co parę miesięcy. Przyjmując na oddział pacjentki, nie mogą identyfikować się z każdą z nich, to by było nie do zniesienia. Ta myśl pomaga. Nie wiem, w jaki sposób to działa, ale świadomość, że nie jestem osamotniona sprawia, że czuję się lepiej. Już nie czuję złości do pielęgniarek zadających pytania z formularza, to nie ich sprawa…a może któraś z nich też jest jedną na trzy?

Po wyjściu ze szpitala rozdzwania się telefon. „Nie martw się, moja kuzynka miała identycznie, a rok po zabiegu urodziła ślicznego chłopca”, „Aśka też tak miała przed urodzeniem Sebastiana, zanim się obejrzysz, znowu będziesz w ciąży”, „Trzy moje najbliższe koleżanki przeszły przez to samo”. Myślisz, przypominasz sobie, 2 koleżanki z pracy, 2 spoza pracy, żona kuzyna…Czyli jednak jest to powszechne, dzieje się naokoło, tylko nie zdajemy sobie z tego sprawy, nie zwracamy na to uwagi. Twojej ciąży to nie dotyczy, u ciebie wszystko jest dobrze. Zawsze tak jest, że wydaje ci się, że coś cię nie dotyczy…a tu bęc, niespodzianka, już dotyczy. Jesteś jedną na trzy.

Parę dni po zabiegu analizuję fora internetowe. Faktycznie, takich przypadków jest niewyobrażalnie dużo. Kobiety piszą o swoim bólu, porównują, pytają z nadzieją, jak było u innych, czy to dla nich to jest koniec…Jedno forum, drugie, piąte…no tak, przecież będąc w ciąży czytałam o ciążach obumarłych. Odruchowo głaskałam się wtedy po brzuchu, analizowałam opisywane objawy, wpadałam w panikę. Tak było, jednak do końca nigdy nie pomyślałam, że to dotknie również mnie. Nikt nie chce być jedną na trzy.

Teraz już przywykłam do członkostwa w klubie. Nie jestem z niego zadowolona i uważam, że to jeden z najgorszych klubów na ziemi. To członkostwo boli, jednak nie jestem w tym sama. Każda z członkiń dałaby wszystko, żeby się z niego wypisać. Jesteśmy jedne na trzy, tworzymy okrutną statystykę i trzeba się z tym pogodzić. Pozostaje tylko starać się, żeby dołączyć też do innego klubu. Klubu mam zdrowych, szczęśliwych dzieci. Tego życzę wszystkim nieszczęśliwym klubowiczkom, by oprócz bycia jedną na trzy, stały się również jedną z dwóch pozostałych.

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