Nie płacz Ania, nie płacz…

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Nie płacz Ania, nie płacz, będzie dobrze, nie płacz…Jak mam nie płakać? Kiedy mam płakać, jak nie teraz? Czy każdy musi używać tego wytartego zwrotu? Po co? Czy „nie płacz” kiedykolwiek komuś pomogło?

Wychodząc ze szpitala widzę 2 kobiety. Palą papierosy. Też kiedyś paliłam. Jedna z nich jest starsza, druga młodsza. Starsza jest szczupła, młodsza otyła. Nie, to nie otyłość, jej brzuch sięga jej prawie do nosa, ona jest w ciąży! Starsza się odzywa – „Ja na szczęście wczoraj urodziłam, córa, 3,300! Zaraz też urodzisz”. Wytłumaczcie mi, jakiego trzeba mieć pecha, żeby po łyżeczkowaniu spotkać takie dwa karakany? Nie jestem naiwna, wiem, że kobiety w ciąży palą, piją, ćpają…wiem. Tylko dlaczego muszę to oglądać, podczas gdy moje dziecko okazało się tak chore, mimo, że nie zrobiłam nic, żeby było? Ja nie życzę tym kobietom chorych dzieci, absolutnie, dzieci nie są niczemu winne. Ale jak tak można?! Dlaczego tak się dzieje?

Wsiadam do auta, w końcu po całym wczorajszym dniu cichego szlochu mogę wybuchnąć. Płaczę, w końcu płaczę. „Nie płacz, Ania, nie płacz” – mama chyba nie wie, co powiedzieć. „Dlaczego mam nie płakać? Jak mam nie płakać? Pozwólcie mi”. Jedziemy do domu. Muszę jeszcze wrócić tu po zastrzyk, immunoglobulina, nie chciałam czekać w szpitalu, aż przywiozą. Idę pod prysznic. Ubrania, włosy, skóra, wszędzie czuję szpital. Puszczam wodę, jest. To dosłowne oczyszczenie. Teraz mogę płakać. D. nie ma w domu, w kuchni czeka moja mama, ale nie słyszy, mogę płakać ile chcę i jak chcę. I będę. Gładzenie po brzuchu mnie uspokaja, ja jeszcze nie rozumiem, że tam już go nie ma. Przecież jeszcze wczoraj było. Nikomu nie powinno się to zdarzyć. Jak można w poniedziałek jeszcze być w ciąży, we wtorek już nie, a środę wrócić do domu bez dziecka? No jak? Czy umysł jest w stanie to ogarnąć? Ja mogły się wydarzyć te ostatnie 2 dni? Wydarzyły się, szybko. Stojąc pod prysznicem zdałam sobie sprawę, że jestem w tym samym miejscu, w którym byłam 2 dni temu. Pod tym samym prysznicem myślałam, że nie chcę iść na kontrolę i chcę tu zostać. Nawet godzina jest podobna. Tylko rzeczywistość już nie ta sama. Woda pomaga, zmywa wszystko, naprawdę. Zmyła krew, zmyła zapach szpitala, zapach sali zabiegowej, czuję się lepiej. Ale nie chcę stąd wychodzić, jeszcze chwila, tu mogę płakać.

Jedziemy do mojego domu rodzinnego. Najgorzej widzieć mi się z ludźmi, z którymi nie widziałam się jeszcze od czasu otrzymania wiadomości. Ludzie nie zawsze wiedzą, jak się zachować, co powiedzieć. Już teraz wiem, że nie powinno się nic mówić. Powinno się dać płakać. Moja siostra daje mi płakać, jakoś przy niej mi to idzie, nawet potrafię z nią o tym rozmawiać. Co jakiś czas łzy nie lecą, później znowu zaczynają. Dzwonią do mnie ciocie, przyjaciółki, znajomi, którzy się dowiedzieli. Głos mi się trzęsie, ale nie płaczę, czekam na D. Niech mnie już zabierze do domu.

Wieczorem w sypialni czytam kolejne forum na temat: „Kiedy można zajść w ciążę po łyżeczkowaniu”. Przychodzi D. z książką. „Możemy pogadać?” – pytam. „Jest tylu ludzi w koło, a ja nie mam się komu wygadać”. W tamtym właśnie momencie, jak i przez następne dni D. był jedyną osobą, która nie doprowadzała mnie do szału. „Mów” – popatrzył na mnie i wtedy to wyszło. Płacz pod prysznicem był niczym. Przycisnęłam twarz do poduszki, wzięłam koszulkę D. w zęby i wyłam. Zanosiłam się szlochem tak, że praktycznie nie mogłam oddychać. D. nie robił nic, patrzył i przytulał. „Dlaczego? Jak to się mogło stać?” pytałam. „Nie wiem, ale się stało” – co innego mógłby powiedzieć? W oczach mojego D. pierwszy raz zobaczyłam, że ktoś w pełni  mnie rozumie. Jego twarz nie mówiła „nie płacz”.

Kolejny ranek, płacz przyszedł sam, tak samo rozpaczliwy, jak wieczorem. Muszę napisać do paru osób wiadomości. Wstaję. W dzień jest lepiej, trzeba się czymś zająć. Wieczorem powtórka, ale już odrobinę łagodniejsza. Następnego ranka to samo. Idę z siostrą na lody. Świeci słońce, na rynku jest pełno ludzi. Mamy z wózkami i małymi dziećmi na szczęście mi nie przeszkadzają, bałam się, że będą mnie denerwować, ale nie, na szczęście nie jest tak źle. Spotykam koleżankę, z wózkiem. Synek ma 4 miesiące. „A jak tam wasze starania?”, pyta. „Wiesz, byłam w ciąży, ale…” i głos się załamuje. „ach, nie udało się…” dokańcza za mnie. To jednak nie jest jeszcze dobry moment na swobodne spacerki, za dużo pytań dookoła…

Jedziemy z D. na wycieczkę, gdziekolwiek. Właściwie to jeździmy po jakiś wioskach. Trafiamy nad zalew, puszczamy kaczki. To pomaga, jest nawet porównywalnie oczyszczające do prysznica i płaczu. Po powrocie do domu kilka szlochów w poduszkę, jest lepiej. Rano zostaję sama w domu, nie potrafię, miało być inaczej. Płaczę głośno, bardzo głośno. Mój pies patrzy na mnie, nie wie co się dzieje. Tak nie może być codziennie, nie mogę tak płakać. Wyjeżdżamy na weekend ze znajomymi. Jest dobrze, już tak nie płaczę, tylko trochę rano.

Dosyć szybko decyduję się na rozmowę z psychologiem. „Płacz, puść to, nie zatrzymuj tego w środku, bo później cię to zablokuje”. Więc płaczę. „Czego teraz chcesz?” No właśnie…chcę dziecka, ale nie chcę jednego zastępować następnym, chcę być szczęśliwa, chcę mieć pewność, że to dla mnie nie koniec, że nasze dzieci będą zdrowe, a kolejna ciąża silna. Chcę nie czuć tak ogromnej straty. Przecież ja wiem, że jeżeli to dziecko miało być bardzo chore, to lepiej, że to nie ja musiałam podejmować tę decyzję. Płaczę, ale w pewnym momencie przestaję. „Wróć do domu i żyj, daj sobie szansę na szczęście, a duszy tego dziecka na spokój”. Tak, tak zrobię.

Dzisiejszy ranek, jest lepiej, jest naprawdę dobrze. Piszę blog, to pomaga. Płacz już minął, już nie wróci, nie tak mocny, nie taki. Taki płacz jest potrzebny, mi, nam wszystkim. Wiem, że gdybym nie pozwoliła sobie na ten tydzień płaczu, pewnego ranka obudziłabym się z uczuciem, że czegoś nie zrobiłam, nie opłakałam straty. To należało zrobić. Nigdy nie słuchaj, jak ktoś mówi „nie płacz”. To naprawdę tylko dwa słowa, które wypowiada się, gdy się nie wie, jak pocieszyć, a nie wypada milczeć. Ja mówię „PŁACZ!” Jeżeli masz taką potrzebę to płacz ile wlezie, aż nie będziesz mieć siły, aż zaśniesz, aż przyjdzie spokój. Płacz to deszcz, który zmywa, oczyszcza. Do mnie już nikt nie mówi „Nie płacz Ania, nie płacz”.

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  94. One other thing I would like to express is that instead of trying to suit all your online degree lessons on times that you complete work (as most people are fatigued when they return home), try to arrange most of your lessons on the weekends and only a couple courses on weekdays, even if it means taking some time away from your saturday and sunday. This is beneficial because on the weekends, you will be extra rested plus concentrated on school work. Thanks for the different guidelines I have acquired from your website.

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