„Chcę, żeby już było po…”

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Izba przyjęć, długo się czeka. Wszędzie pełno kobiet z brzuszkami w oczekiwaniu na KTG. To po to miałam tu przychodzić, na KTG, a nie usuwać obumarłą ciążę. Przyjęcie do szpitala, tysiąc pytań, pani pyta o wszystko, choroby, rodzinę, adres, miejsce pracy. Sama zaczęłam zadawać jej pytania, żeby poczuć się pewniej. „Czy na pewno mój lekarz mi zrobi zabieg?”, „Czy D. może być przy ostatnim usg?”, „Czy na przyszłość powinnam sobie zalaminować kartę badań serologicznych, żeby się nie zniszczyła?”, „Czy to będzie bolało?”. W końcu idziemy do mojego lekarza, nareszcie znajoma twarz. Jest miły, spokojny, jak zawsze. Bada mnie jakaś inna pani, dlaczego kobiety są tak niedelikatne? Przecież wiedzą, że to nie jest przyjemne…właśnie sobie przypomniałam, dlaczego już nigdy nie chcę kobiety ginekologa. Jest i usg, wchodzi D. Jest dzidziuś, leży, tętna nadal brak, nic się nie zmieniło, nie dostałam cudu, o którym mogłaby opowiadać dziecku i jego dzieciom w przyszłości. „Proszę za mną, przebierze się pani i położy, pan doktor zaraz panią poprosi.” Na sali leżą jeszcze 2 młode dziewczyny. Mija chwila, muszę iść do położnych. Jedna okazuje się być mamą mojej koleżanki z liceum. „Ania! Proszę, tak myślałam, że to ty po adresie, ale nie byłam pewna! Ona chodziła z moją córką do klasy w liceum, prześlicznie śpiewała” – mówi do drugiej położnej. „Oooo, to może nam zaśpiewa” – odpowiada kobieta. Zaśpiewać? Teraz? Od rana nie płakałam, przy przyjęciu, odpowiadając na pytania typu „Czy to była pierwsza ciąża?”, słuchając jak jedna pani mówi do drugiej pani „Mamy tu ciążę obumarłą, trzeba przyjąć”, przy badaniu, rozmowie z lekarzem. Nie płakałam przy tych ludziach. To nie ich tragedia, przeżyję to sama, z D., nie będę przy nich płakać. Ale śpiewać? Nie wytrzymuję. Całe napięcie schodzi ze mnie, wybucham płaczem. Nie będę śpiewać. Mama koleżanki uspokaja mnie – „Anuś, nie płacz, dziewczyny wychodzą po za biegu i za miesiąc znowu są w ciąży, nie płacz”. Idę do sali, gdzie czeka na mnie lekarz. Tłumaczy mi spokojnie, co będzie robił. Chcą wywołać poronienie, włożą mi tabletkę, która usunie moje dziecko. Później wszystko wyczyszczą. Jeżeli się uda, stanie się to w ciągu kilku godzin, jednak czasem trwa nawet 3 dni. „Postaram się, żeby to było dzisiaj” – mówię do lekarza. Nie mogę czekać na to 3 dni, nie wytrzymam, los nie może być aż tak okrutny. „To niestety nie od pani zależy, ani nie ode mnie…”

Czekam, leżę na łóżku i czekam. Objawami poronienia ma być mocne krwawienie ze skrzepami, nie plamienie, krwawienie. No i oczywiście ból brzucha. Czekam, nic się nie dzieje, mijają 2 godziny. Chce mi się płakać, chcę, żeby już było po. Dziewczyny obok mnie chyba przyszły z czymś innym, są uśmiechnięte. Obok łóżka siedzi D. i moja mama, czekamy. Po 3 godzinach idę do toalety, sikam, widzę, nagle, jest, bum, leci, dużo, co to jest? Myślałam, że to będzie jak początek okresu, a tu jakby mnie ktoś nagle postrzelił. Jak dobrze, jest! Wracam do pokoju, chwalę się, że już jest. Idę do położnej – „Krwawię, jest czerwona krew, leci dużo” – mówię. „A boli cię już brzuch?” – słyszę w odpowiedzi. No nie boli. Krew siknęła raz, a teraz już nie chce. „Trzeba czekać Ania, musisz czekać, nie przyspieszysz”. Nie chcę czekać. Idę z D. na spacer po szpitalnym korytarzu. Rozmawiamy o pogodzie – jest ładnie, słońce świeci. Wczoraj układałam sobie inny plan tego dnia. Miało świecić słońce, miałam iść kupić mięso do sklepu, do którego nigdy nie chciało mi się jeździć, jak pracowałam, miałam odwiedzić koleżankę i ogarnąć mieszkanie. Jak bardzo inny plan realizowałam właśnie w tej chwili, stojąc z D. na korytarzu i powtarzając sobie „Niech to już się skończy, niech już będzie koniec”. Jak bardzo kłóci się rozum z sercem w takich chwilach? Jaka matka modli się o poronienie tak bardzo, że aż płacze, że jeszcze nie przyszło? Czy ze mną wszystko dobrze? Moje dziecko jest jeszcze we mnie, w brzuchu, mogę głaskać miejsce, które głaskałam do tej pory i ono tam jest. Nie ważne, że nie oddycha, że nie bije mu serce, jest, niech zostanie jak najdłużej, nie chce go stracić…Czy nie tak powinno być? Ja stałam na korytarzu i prosiłam, żeby już był koniec, żeby już wyszło. Z każdą wizytą w toalecie starałam się przeć, żeby leciało dużo krwi, koniecznie żywo czerwonej, ze skrzepami. Po każdym większym skrzepie z przerażeniem zaglądałam do toalety upewniając się, że nie zostawiłam tam dziecka. Chciałam, żeby już był koniec, ale nie tutaj, nie w toalecie, nie chcę spuścić go do kanału nawet o tym nie wiedząc. „Proszę, wyjdź już, proszę, już chcę do domu, proszę, skoro już odchodzisz, to odejdź teraz” – myślałam i płakałam. Żarły mnie wyrzuty sumienia. Poszłam do toalety, krwi leciało bardzo dużo, skrzepy były tak duże, że zastanawiałam się, czy to prawidłowe, że są aż takie. Jednak to tylko nad toaletą, jak napinałam brzuch. Na podpasce były tylko pojedyncze kropki. Byłam tak zdesperowana, żeby pokazać położnej, że udało mi się poronić, że napinając brzuch zamiast nad toaletą, robiłam to nad podpaską. Ale jak na złość wtedy nie chciało lecieć. W końcu położna obiecała, że jak tylko mój lekarz wróci z cesarskiego cięcia, to mnie zbada. ” Nie chcę, żeby ci tu ktoś zrobił krzywdę kotuś” – powiedziała – „To się musi stać samo”.

Badanie. Wchodzę do gabinetu zabiegowego, lekarz i położna każą mi się rozebrać i usiąść na fotelu. „Ale ja wszystko tu wybrudzę” – mówię. „Wybrudzi pani, ale po to jest to pomieszczenie, żeby pani brudziła i my, żeby to posprzątać” – mówi lekarz. Siadam. fotel ginekologiczny w szpitalu jest o wiele gorszy, niż w prywatnym gabinecie mojego ginekologa. Ciężko na niego wejść, źle się tu czuję. Lekarz siada i zapala lampę, sprawdza. „I co?” – pytam. Powstrzymuję się od płaczu. „Poroniła pani” – słyszę. „Boże, dziękuję”.

Jest 19:15. Po „głupim Jasiu” położna wiezie mnie na wózku do zabiegowego. Już nie martwię się, że krew sama nie leci, czuję, że leci. Siadam na fotelu, jest mój lekarz. Dostaje jakieś znieczulenie dożylnie, ale jestem świadoma. „Zaczynamy” – mówi ginekolog. To zaczynajmy. Nie boli, nie jest to przyjemne, ale nie boli. Myślałam, że to będzie gorsze…Patrzę na sufit, później na ścianę. Po lewej stronie za moją głową narysowany jest lecący koliber. Patrzę na niego, jest mi lepiej, chciałabym stąd odlecieć, ale nie mogę. Uczucie jest coraz silniejsze, to tak jakby ktoś był w moim brzuchu i sprawiał, że wszystko tam mi się zasysa do środka. Jest coraz gorzej. W końcu kulminacja, najokropniejsze uczucie, jakiego doznałam kiedykolwiek, ale nie ból, coś straszniejszego. „Możemy na chwilę przerwać?” – pytam. Nie wytrzymam. „Już kończę” – mówi lekarz. Wyjął coś dużego i włożył do pojemnika. Czy to było to? Czy to dziecko, czy tylko łożysko? Co to było? Bałam się spytać. Odkażenie, przemycie, mogę wstać. Położna pomaga mi wsiąść na wózek, nakłada mi kapcie. „Mogę już jechać do domu? Mogę dzisiaj?”. Nie mogę. Mam czekać do jutra, lekarz twierdzi, że tak będzie lepiej. Więc jedziemy do pokoju, na korytarzu czeka D. i mama, patrzą. A ja nic nie czuję. Nie ma smutku, nie ma bólu, złości. Co jest ze mną nie tak? Kładę się, chcę spać. Już nie ma dziecka, już nie ma, już go nie mam, zostało tam, w sali. Już jest koniec, przyszedł koniec, tego chciałam. D. całuje mnie na dobranoc, trzyma za rękę i patrzy. Uśmiechnął się, niepotrzebnie, widzę, że nie chciał. Teraz będę spać. Chcę spać a jak obudzę się jutro, zacznie się pierwszy dzień po końcu, niech już się zacznie.

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  17. L’UFCM a constaté depuis quelques mois l’accroissement des tromperies à la « roqya ». Les témoignages de personnes victimes de ces pratiques se multiplient et présentent les mêmes caractéristiques : « Une personne vous appelle et vous propose une séance de « roqya » gratuite. Cette personne vous propose de rappeler un numéro prétendu gratuit, souvent un numéro commençant par 0 800… » Mais, dans les faits, cette prestation est loin d’être gratuite, puisque la conversation est facturée à vos frais et à votre insu. Au-delà de l’aspect juridique qui est traité à ce jour par le pôle juridique de l’UFCM[1], ce procédé soulève la problématique de sa conformité au Coran et à la Sunna. En effet, la « roqya » peut se définir comme une thérapie qui permet de soigner les actes de sorcellerie, de mauvais œil et également de se protéger contre ces derniers. Par conséquent, est-il possible de la pratiquer par téléphone et quelles sont les exigences édictées par le Coran et la Sunna ? Nous présenterons ainsi successivement les conditions liées au soignant (I), les exigences relatives à l’environnement où est réalisée la « roqya » (II). Nous aborderons ensuite la question de la gratuité de la prestation ou de sa contrepartie financière et enfin les conditions dans laquelle elle est réalisée (III). I- Les conditions liées au soignant Souvent la « roqya » est perçue comme une pratique dispensée par un tiers. Or, il est essentiel de rappeler et de souligner un fait important : la meilleure des « roqya » est celle que nous dispensons nous-mêmes à travers le « dhikr » et la récitation du Coran. Ainsi, pour se prémunir des maux liés au mauvais œil ou à la sorcellerie, il convient régulièrement de lire le Coran et faire des invocations notamment celles du matin et du coucher, de réciter régulièrement la sourate « La vache », de renouveler son intention, de placer la certitude dans son cœur, d’effectuer ses prières etc., et surtout de demander à Allah la meilleure des protections. Toutefois, dans certaines conditions, il est nécessaire de recourir à un soignant. C’est à ce stade qu’il convient d’être vigilant. Il ne suffit pas de se rendre auprès d’une personne qui se présente avec la qualité de cheikh ou d’imam pour accepter de lui confier cette pratique. Comme pour tout procédé et encore plus lorsque cela relève de considérations religieuses, il est important de bien choisir son soignant car ce dernier est tenu de posséder des qualités bien affirmées. La maîtrise du Coran et des traditions prophétiques en la matière est une condition sine qua none, mais insuffisante. La personne doit également avoir des notions de psychologie afin de déterminer la part de sorcellerie et celle de troubles psychologiques fréquents chez les patients. La personne doit posséder une bonne hygiène de vie, notamment spirituelle puisqu’il n’est pas inutile de rappeler que le succès de la « roqya » dépend de Dieu. Ces critères sont difficilement évaluables, surtout par une personne qui est affectée par un mal-être, quelle que soit sa source. C’est pourquoi les proches doivent accompagner la personne dans la recherche d’un soignant qualifié et reconnu comme tel par des référents religieux de la localité (imam, responsables associatifs, etc.). De manière générale, le soignant doit posséder des qualités déterminées que nous pouvons synthétiser de la manière suivante. Il doit : être en capacité de lire le Coran, croire avec certitude au Coran, être empreint de piété, connaître les pièges et les caractéristiques du diable et des djinns, connaître la méthode prophétique de la « roqya », disposer de connaissances de base en psychologie, avoir la conviction que le succès de sa thérapie dépend de Dieu. A l’exception de la première exigence, il semble difficile de vérifier les autres conditions dans le cadre d’un entretien téléphonique avec une personne que nous n’avons jamais rencontrée, même si elle se présente sous le titre de « cheikh » ou d’un imam. Par conséquent, ces conditions soulignent une première limite quant au recours à la « roqya » par téléphone. Par ailleurs, à l’instar de tout médecin, le soignant doit, avant de prodiguer des conseils ou une médication, procéder à une consultation. Ainsi, un environnement adéquat est indispensable pour la réalisation d’une « roqya ». Il est enfin inconcevable qu’un médecin puisse vous affirmer par téléphone connaître votre maladie et attester pouvoir vous guérir. Vous auriez plus que des doutes sur ce prétendu médecin. II- Un environnement propice et la réalisation d’une consultation préalable à la réalisation d’une « roqya » Il est intéressant de noter que, dans son ouvrage « Comment se protéger des djinns & satan », Wahîd ‘Abdussalâm Bâli évoque l’importance du climat pour réaliser une roqya[2]. Ainsi, il expose les points suivants : « 1. Préparer le climat adéquat en faisant par exemple sortir les images et les statues de la pièce où on va soigner le malade, pour permettre aux anges d’y entrer. 2. Débarrasser le sujet de tout ce qu’il peut porter sur lui comme talismans ou amulettes et les brûler. 3. Éteindre tout ce qui peut émettre le son de la musique et des chants. 4. Vider le lieu de tout ce qui comporte une infraction à la shari‘a à savoir, par exemple, la présence d’un homme qui porte de l’or ou une femme qui ne porte pas le voile légal – al-hijab. 5. Donner au malade et à sa famille une leçon de dogme de façon à ce que leurs cœurs ne soient pas attachés à un autre qu’Allah. 6. Leur faire savoir que la façon de soigner est différente de celle des sorciers et des charlatans et que le Coran recèle guérison et miséricorde, comme l’a informé Allah le Puissant et le Majestueux. 7. Diagnostiquer son cas : pour cela poser des questions au malade pour s’assurer de la présence de tous les symptômes (…) ». Or, dans les témoignages communiqués, l’interlocuteur qui se présente comme soignant ne pose aucune question aux personnes. Il débute ainsi la « roqya » directement par une récitation du Coran. En outre, il est intéressant de souligner que dans l’un des témoignages communiqués à l’UFCM, l’interlocuteur demandait à la personne de remplir successivement des verres de lait, d’huile, d’eau etc. et de les poser par la suite sur la table de la salle à manger. Au point que la personne s’est retrouvée avec une multitude de verres posés sur la table. Le comble est que la personne ignorait ce qu’elle devait en faire lorsqu’elle a pris conscience de la tromperie. Nous constatons par conséquent qu’une « roqya » ne peut être réalisée dans un environnement quelconque. En effet, une procédure de diagnostic est essentielle. Nous pouvons à titre d’exemple faire le parallèle avec un rendez-vous chez le médecin ; ce dernier ne peut vous prescrire une ordonnance sans au préalable vous avoir ausculté et interrogé sur les différents symptômes que vous ressentez physiquement. A défaut, au lieu de guérir vous allez aggraver vos maux. Cette attitude vigilante du médecin traitant doit se retrouver lorsque nous envisageons le recours à une « roqya ». Pour illustrer ce propos, nous citerons l’exemple de l’anthropologue, spécialiste de l’islam européen, Farid El Asri, chercheur associé au Centre Jacques Berque, qui nous rapporte une situation alarmante suite à une « roqya » : « Une jeune femme en Belgique (…) est morte suite à une tentative d’exorcisme. Pendant les séances, les fkihs (imams) utilisent normalement de l’eau « coranisée ». Pour cette jeune femme, prétendument stérile, les exorcistes ont carrément plongé son visage dans l’eau et quand elle tentait d’en sortir pour respirer, les guérisseurs estimaient qu’il s’agissait du jinn qui l’habitait et ils replongeaient son visage dans l’eau. Pendant le procès, la famille de la défunte s’est présentée comme musulmane et a accusé ces pratiques d’être extérieures à l’islam quand les guérisseurs estimaient qu’ils avaient simplement fait ce qu’ils pouvaient. Le fait de recourir trop systématiquement au fkih risque également de faire passer une crise d’épilepsie, par exemple, pour une crise de possession. »[3] Nous allons aborder enfin la dernière problématique, celle relative aux honoraires du soignant. III- Les honoraires du soignant Le Prophète, bénédictions et salut sur lui, « a agréé les Compagnons qui ont été payés pour la roqya ». Il est dès lors autorisé de rémunérer un soignant en contrepartie d’une prestation. Toutefois, cette rémunération doit être raisonnable et surtout clairement définie avant le traitement. En outre, nous ne pouvons que souligner et rappeler que, si la roqya est réalisée dans un cadre sérieux, il convient de procéder à toutes les déclarations administratives. Comme pour tout contrat, vous devez exiger un document écrit et le praticien doit préciser quels sont ses engagements exacts afin d’éviter tout litige postérieur. Malheureusement, tous les témoignages transmis à l’UFCM soulignent que l’interlocuteur insiste à plusieurs reprises sur la gratuité de la prestation. Or, dans les faits, cette dernière est payante puisque le coût de la communication est surtaxé. Ainsi, l’une des victimes qui nous a contacté, s’est retrouvée avec une facture téléphonique (hors forfait) de 1800 euros. Par conséquent, nous constatons que ces « roqyas » gratuites sont fondées sur la technique dite du « call-back » qui consiste à amener une personne à rappeler un numéro surtaxé, information qui lui est bien évidemment dissimulée. Une « roqya » peut être payante à condition de respecter un cadre prédéterminé, fondé sur l’information et la transparence des honoraires. En conclusion A la lumière des développements susvisés, l’UFCM appelle d’une part à une régulation du métier de la pratique de la « roqya », d’autre part, à la vigilance de chacun à ne pas céder à la tentation d’une « roqya » qui ne serait pas réalisée dans les conditions requises et qui pourrait produire des effets inverses. Au-delà du cadre spirituel ou juridique, les divers témoignages reçus et étudiés par l’UFCM ne peuvent pas nous laisser indifférents à la question suivante : pourquoi des personnes sont-elles amenées à accepter aussi facilement une « roqya » par téléphone ? Est-ce la gratuité qui a déterminé leur choix ? Certes le mal-être produit par cette société est de plus en plus grand. Nous vivons une époque où les êtres sont de plus en plus coupés des signes de Dieu et vivent un rythme de vie effréné. Ces affaires sont révélatrices des maux les plus profonds qui touchent la communauté musulmane. Par ailleurs, comme l’ensemble des rites islamiques (hajj, halal, pompes funèbres) censés nous rappeler les limites qui déterminent la voie vers Dieu, nous constatons que leur marchandisation trahit de plus en plus leur vocation première. Suffit-il qu’un interlocuteur se présente à nous comme un « cheikh » ou un imam et qu’il nous propose une « roqya » gratuite pour l’accepter aussitôt Ne devrions-nous pas tous nous interroger sur le fait qu’il y ait des musulmanes et des musulmans aussi isolés et aussi ignorants de leur propre religion pour être trompés aussi facilement ? Sommes-nous devenus si dépendants des Hommes que nous en oublions de nous adresser directement à Dieu pour solutionner nos malaises ? Autant de questions que chacun d’entre nous a la responsabilité de se poser. En effet, aucun de nous ou de nos proches ne sont à l’abri d’une telle tromperie. 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  193. Dziękuję Ci za ten wpis. We wtorek pojechaliśmy na izbę przyjęć, gdzie młoda pani doktor w oschły sposób poinformowała mnie, ze w 11 tc serduszko nie bije od Ok 3tyg . Tylko ja od 5tygodnia walczyłam z planieniami i krwawieniami, i jakoś tak czułam, ze dziecka już nie ma. Ze względu na długi czas od obumarcia, łyżeczkowanie zrobili mi tego samego dnia, po kilku godzinach. Dziękuje Ci zatem wpis, bo chyba najgorsze jest we mnie to poczucie winy, ze chciałam aby było już po. Żeby już to zrobili, żebym mogła wrócić do domu i spokojnie popłakać. W szpitalu czułam się jak wariatka bo nawet trochę żartowałam z mamą. Ale ja tak zawsze mam, próbuje się śniąc w stresie i, gdy nie mogę okazać prawdziwych emocji. Przeczytałam wszystkie wpisy o poronieniu i widzę, ze my wszystkie (kobiety po poronieniu) myślimy niemal tak samo. To pomaga….
    Nie byłam pewna czy powinnam pisac, bo z innych wpisów wynika, ze nadal jesteś w drugiej ciąży… w każdym razie: szczęśliwego rozwiązania życzę…

    • Dziękuję, ja już po rozwiązaniu prawie rok, Dawid wczoraj skończył 11 miesięcy. Jest takim moim dowodem największym na słońce po pochmurnych dniach. Myślę, że praktycznie wszystkie czujemy podobnie i przeżywamy tak samo poronienie, bo ludzka psychika jest tak zbudowana. Jeżeli coś było nieuniknione, to nie chciałam, żeby ciągnęło się w nieskończoność, chciałam jak najszybciej już być w domu, to nic złego.
      Mam nadzieję, że już wkrótce poczujesz się lepiej i zakończenie Twojej historii będzie równie szczęśliwe, jak moje. Trzymaj się!

  194. Boże Kochany… czytam i nie wierzę, Aniu przeżyłam dokładnie to samo, wczoraj wyszłam ze szpitala, dziecko 10tydzień, napisałaś dokładnie tak jak i ja to czułam i przechodziłam, kontrolna wizyta, serduszko nie bije, musimy wywołać poronienie … Najgorsze jest to że czułam się świetnie, dbałam o siebie, nie pracowałam.. . I taki cios . Jedyna różnica że ja mam już dzieci i wcześniej też poroniłam,lecz samoistnie w początkach ciąży, to było dla mnie zupełnie co innego. A teraz, masakra. Położna mnie załamała słowami: Nie ma co przeżywać, nie patyczkujemy się tak Z tymi które już mają dzieci, bardziej przykładamy uwagę do tych co nie mają i ronią . A ja patrzę na swoje dzieci i tęsknię do tych których nie przytulę. .. Jestem załamana . Jak wrócić do pracy

    • Zgodze sie w jednym z polozna, majac juz dzieci jest latwiej co wcale nie oznacza ze nie zaslugujemy na „patyczkowanie sie z nami” bo tak samo tracimy dziecko. Tyle ze my po powrocie do domu musimy od razu sie ogarnac bo czekaja tam na nas male sloneczka ktore kochamy i ktore naszej milosci i uwagi potrzebuja. Co do powrotu do pracy to im mniej osob wiedzialo tym bedzie on mniej trudny.

  195. Witam, chcialabym podzielic sie swoimi ostatnimi przezyciami z kims kto rozumie.
    Tydzien temu tj. 7 listopada, w sobote rano zaczal sie dla mnie koszmar. Bylam w ciazy – 14 tydzien. W calej ciazy czulam sie ogolnie zle z powodu strasznych mdlosci i wymiotow, ktore uniemozliwialy mi normalne funkcjonowanie. Prawie od poczatku na L4. Duzo spalam i lezalam.

    Jednak ostatnio bylo juz lepiej i pomyslalam, ze nareszcie bede cieszyc sie z dlugo wyczekiwanego dziecka.

    Niestety w sobote rano ok. 8 wstalam do toalety i poczulam krople plynu na bieliznie. Wrocilam do lozka, polozylam sie i wtedy poczulam duzo plynu wydobywajacego sie ze mnie. Odeszly mi wody.

    Maz w panice wezwal karetke. Zabrali mnie do szpitala. Czulam, ze jest zle, ale mialam jeszcze nadzieje. W szpitalu pani doktor zbadala mnie i potwierdzila, ze pekl pecherz owodniowy i ze szyjka macicy jest skrocona.

    Potem badanie USG : brak wod plodowych, serce dziecka bije, ale nie ma szans na przezycie. Szok i rozpacz. Co dalej?

    Musialam urodzic moje martwe dziecko. Lezalam w sali porodowej i czekalismy, pojawila sie krew. Pani doktor zapytala, czy czekamy na samoistne poronienie ( moze trwac nawet kilka dni) , czy tabletki wywolujace skurcze.

    Chcialam miec to wszystko jak najszybciej za soba, wiec dostalam zastrzyki i tabletki. Po 2 godzinach dostalam bolesnych skurczy. Bardzo cierpialam. Byl to normalny porod, tylko dziecko bylo bardzo male. Podali mi dozylnie lek przeciwbolowy. Trwalo to dlugo, bylam juz wycienczona. Dostalam lek rozkurczowy, bo macica byla jeszcze nie gotowa. Po nim usnelam na chwile, nie pamietam.

    Gdy sie obudzilam, poczulam ze musze do toalety. Nie pozwolono mi wstawac, dostalam basen. I wtedy to sie skonczylo, poronilam mojego malutkiego synka, lozysko tez.

    Myslalam, ze to juz koniec. Ale pani doktor powiedziala, ze musi sprawdzic, czy nic nie zostalo. Przygotowali mnie do czyszczenia macicy. Powiedziala, ze nie ma czasu na znieczulenie, bo szyjka zaraz sie bedzie kurczyc i ze zrobi to bardzo delikatnie. Uzyla najmniejszych narzedzi, byla bardzo delikatna, ale i tak bolalo.

    Nie zobaczylam maluszka, nie chcialam pamietac go w takim stanie (bylo juz niezywe). Pozostal w szpitalu i bedzie pochowany w mogile dzieci nienarodzonych, tak zdecydowalismy. Nie wiem, czy dobrze, ale wtedy pomyslalam ze nie chce wspominac tego zdarzenia, a jak najszybciej zapomniec.

    Maz byl przy mnie caly czas i tez bardzo to przezyl. Pozostalam w szpitalu do wtorku 10 listopada. Dostawalam antybiotyk, prosilam o cos na spanie, bo nie moglam usnac, wylaczyc myslenia o tym co sie stalo. Pani doktor zajela sie mna naprawde fachowo, przyslala pania psycholog, dwa razy z nia rozmawialam. Byla bardzo mila i wspolczujaca, ale wiem ze nie jest w stanie naprawde mnie zrozumiec.

    Od srody jestem w domu. Czuje sie coraz lepiej fizicznie, krwawienie jest coraz mniejsze. Mam klopoty ze snem, w ciagu dnia poplakuje. Nie mam na nic ochoty.

    Nie moge wyobrazic sobie teraz mojego zycia, zdalam sobie sprawe jak bardzo zdazylam pokochac dziecko, ktore bylo przez ten czas bylo w moim brzuchu. Synek – Filip. Musielismy zarejestrowac go w USC, bylo to niezbedne, abym mogla byc na urlopie macierzynskim 56 dni.

    Nie moglabym wrocic od razu do pracy. W ogole mam obawy przed kontaktami z ludzmi. Pracuje w szkole podstawowej i jestem nauczycielem, w pracy musze byc pozytywnie nastawiona, pracuje z dziecmi 6-12 lat.

    Mysle caly czas o moim synku, zostaly mi po nim zdjecia USG. Z jednej strony chce zapomniec o tym zdarzeniu, a z drugiej nie chce nigdy zapomniec o tym dziecku. Juz zawsze bede mama.

    Nawet jesli nie uda mi sie juz urodzic. Tego tez sie boje. Mam 32 lata, to byla moja pierwsza ciaza po dlugim staraniu. Jak zaczac normalnie zyc? Juz chyba nigdy nie bede taka jak przed tym wszystkim?

    • Chyba nikt nie znajdzie slow pocieszenia kiedy zycie zamiast sie zaczynac to sie konczy. Ale chyba nikt bardziej niz my nie wie jak bardzo boli ta strata. Czas leczy rany i po przezyciu swojej zaloby bedziesz sie czula z tym lepiej ale juz zawsze bedziesz mama Filipka. Mam nadzieje i szczerze ci zycze ze po dojsciu do siebie dolaczysz do „klubu szczesliwych mam” mimo ze po przejsciach. Bo wiele z nas po stracie ciazy doczekala zdrowego dziecka.

    • Witaj Aniu. Strata dziecka to niewyobrażalna tragedia, z którą ciężko się pogodzić. Dla mnie najgorsza była pustka, którą czułam w sobie po wyjściu ze szpitala. Niewyobrażalna, bolesna. Nic ani nikt nie był w stanie jej wypełnić, ani mnie pocieszyć. Czułam się na początku, jakby to dziecko mi odebrano, później czułam, jakby to ono mnie opuściło. Żal, gniew, smutek, wszystkie te emocje przerabiałam w ciągu kolejnych tygodni. I chociaż jak ktoś mówił, że czas leczy rany, to się denerwowałam, to później okazało się, że to prawda. Potrzeba czasu, by poukładać sobie to wszystko w głowie, by znowu oddychać normalnie i potrafić myśleć pozytywnie. Ale to co czujesz teraz też jest potrzebne, bo dzięki temu przeżyjesz swoją żałobę, a kiedy będziesz gotowa i poczujesz, że już czas, będziesz w stanie faktycznie pożegnać się z dzieckiem, które jeszcze niedawno było w Tobie. Bardzo mi przykro, że Cię to spotkało, za każdym razem, kiedy przybywa kolejna mama nienarodzonego dziecka, wracają moje wspomnienia, przypominam sobie co czułam i jak to było straszne. Ja teraz jestem na innym etapie, noszę w sobie synka, który powoli zaczyna smyrać mnie od środka po brzuchu. Niedawno minął termin, w którym rodziłabym moje pierwsze dziecko. Przeżyłam to bardzo, po cichu, sama, nawet nie chciałam o tym pisać. Bo o tym dziecku się nie zapomni i ono zawsze będzie już moje. Teraz jestem w stanie w myślach sobie z nim porozmawiać, poprosić o opiekę nad bratem, nade mną, jestem pewna, że ono gdzieś tam jest. Mam nadzieję, że uda Ci się poukładać to wszystko w głowie i w sercu, przeżyć smutek i nauczyć się, jak żyć z tym doświadczeniem, które niestety już na zawsze nas zmienia. Jakbyś chciała pogadać, możesz napisać maila, mi bardzo pomogła rozmowa na forum tego bloga z innymi kobietami, które przeżyły to samo. Trzymaj się i bądź silna. Ania

  196. Mój Boże miałam podobnie tylko mnie uśpili. Teraz lecze rany mojej psychiki. I myśle o kolejnej ciąży-jak będe dawać radę o ile w nią zajde może trzeba mocno pozytywnie myśleć, do ciąży nabrać dystansu…ale czy będe potrafić :/

    • Czas, potrzebny jest czas. Każda kobieta wie, ile go potrzebuje, zanim zdecyduje się na ponowne starania. U nas było to 3 miesiące. Będziesz potrafiła, tylko musisz to sobie wszystko poukładać najpierw w głowie i pogodzić się z tym, co się stało. Na początku jest najgorzej. Trzymaj się, pozdrawiam, Ania

  197. Współczuję Ci bardzo. Mam nadzieję że to Twój pierwszy i ostatni raz.
    Wspomnienia wracają 🙁 Ja przeszłam ten koszmar 3 razy, ale bez tabletek, tylko zabieg od razu. 1 raz to było totalne przerażenie, 2 raz niedowierzanie graniczące z obłędem a 3 to już tylko smutek ale taki że nawet płakać nie mogłam.
    I też po każdym z zabiegów popadałam w odrętwienie, wszelkie emocje chowałam bardzo głęboko w sobie. Taka reakcja obronna psychiki żeby nie zwariować.

  198. Czytam fora już od kilku tygodni i chyba jestem gotowa napisać swój pierwszy komentarz. Strasznie mi przykro, że to Was spotkało, że spotkało tez mnie…. Ja urodziłam w 30 tyg. Mój zdrowy synek umarł we mnie- to chyba najgorsza świadomość- moje ciało zawiodło, ja go zawiodłam… TEN najgorszy dzień w życiu tez pamiętam jakby to było wczoraj i jakby wszystko działo się w zwolnionym tempie. Dzisiaj pierwszy raz zostałam całkiem sama w domu i od razu trafiłam na Twój blog Aniu i na „Rozmowę” i uśmiechałam się przez łzy… Dziękuję Ci ! Trzymam kciuki za Aniołkowe Mamy… za to co przed nami….

    • Wiesz, śmierć dziecka na takim etapie ciąży to jeszcze gorszy cios, jednak nie możesz myśleć, że Twoje ciało zawiodło. Często nie mamy na to wszystko wpływu. Ja wiem, że nie zrobiłam nic, żeby zaszkodzić dziecku, a mimo to je straciłam. Bardzo mi przykro, że musiałaś przejść przez taki koszmar. Pozdrawiam i życzę dużo siły, Ania

      • Moja ciąża przebiegała wzorowo. Ćwiczyłam z kobietami w ciąży, jadłam zdrową żywność, do końca nie musiałam suplementować żelaza. No rewelacja! Nagle ból brzucha i najgorsze dla matki słowa… Lekarze powiedzieli „tak się czasami zdarza, to nie rzutuje na kolejne ciąże” – takie pocieszenie-nie pocieszenie. A ja ciągle mam to poczucie że nie podołałam. Na szczęście mam u boku cudownego faceta i teraz tak jak Ty, jak budzę się w nocy, nie zastanawiam się jakimi będziemy rodzicami, bo to już wiem 🙂
        Będę śledziła Twojego bloga i trzymała za Ciebie i D. kciuki!

  199. Wspomnienia jak zywe. Ja w 19 tc 2 godz po tabletce zaczely sie bole. 6 godz po odeszly mi wody urodzilam dziecko a pozniej lozysko tylko to wszystko stalo sie na zwyklym lozku szpitalnym. Tez chcialam zeby bylo juz po 3 dni bym chyba nie przezyla.

    • Mnie znał chyba każdy lekarz w szpitalu… Jak chodziłam po korytarzu, żeby może trochę to wszystko przyspieszyć to każdy pytał czy to już… Już 3 dnia byłam tak wykończona emocjonalnie, że się po prostu śmiałam z bezsilności… Ale dziewczyny to już za nami. Trzeba jakoś wrócić do życia, ja powoli ale widzę, że rzeczywiście coraz lepiej mi to idzie. Wiem, że takie gadanie niewiele daje, ale sama nie wiem co innego powiedzieć… W sumie to może nawet czasami lepiej nie mówić nic.

  200. Jak przeczytałam tę notkę to wszystko wróciło… Do pewnego momentu wszystko u Ciebie działo się tak samo jak u mnie. Tylko, że właśnie u mnie to były nawet te 3 dni… Zaczęli podawać mi tabletki w piątek w południe, a wszystko tak naprawdę zaczęło się w poniedziałek koło godziny 16… i o 18 już było po wszystkim. Urodziłam moje dziecko w 14 tygodniu ciąż. Najgorszym momentem było to, że odeszły mi wody… Chyba wszystkiego się spodziewałam, ale nie tego. To był chyba ten najgorszy moment, moment w którym sobie uświadomiłam co się dzieję… Do dziś jak zamykam oczy to czasami to czuję… 🙁

    • Bardzo Ci współczuję. Ja naprawdę modliłam się, żeby zamknęło się to w jednym dniu. I na szczęście nie musiałam czekać. Ale tego, co działo się w mojej głowie i tego, co działo się w sercu, nie da się opisać. Staram się nie myśleć o tym za dużo, ale mam wrażenie, że z tamtego dnia pamiętam każdą minutę, każdy gest, wypowiedziane do mnie słowo. Ten dzień w szpitalu był moim najgorszym doświadczeniem w życiu. Mam nadzieję, że poukładasz sobie wszystko i dasz radę. Pozdrawiam serdecznie

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