Ale jak to?…

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Kiedy zapada wyrok, już wiesz, nie masz wątpliwości, słowa padły, już to usłyszałaś. Ale jak to?…

Po wejściu do gabinetu rozmawiam z ginekologiem. „Jednak pani wytrzymała? Zastanawiałem się, czy nie pojedzie pani do szpitala. W pierwszych 3 miesiącach te plamienia wcale nie muszą oznaczać nic złego”. Ja to wszystko już wiem, od soboty słyszałam to ze 100 razy od wszystkich wtajemniczonych, ten weekend był koszmarny, nawet jak udawałam, że tak nie jest. Badanie – jest plamienie, tylko wewnątrz. Zaczynamy usg. Lekarz nie prosi D., zawsze prosił, dlaczego go nie prosi? Patrzę na ekran…JEST! Dzidziuś! Jest! Urósł, ma główkę, tułów, rączki, nóżki, jaki słodki. Ma już kształt! Tak się bałam, że się zatrzyma. Lekarz patrzy w monitor, nic nie mówi, mierzy, ogląda, zaznacza jakieś czerwone i zielone punkty, nic nie mówi. dlaczego nie mówi? zawsze mówił…Już chyba nie chcę, żeby powiedział. To była kolejna chwila, która musiała nadejść. Dlaczego ja w ogóle wychodziłam spod tego prysznica? Wyrok, dla mnie, dla D., dla dziecka. Nie ma tętna…

Od zejścia z fotela wszystko działo się szybko. Teraz należy się ubrać…chyba po drodze do toalety zgubiłam w gabinecie kapeć jednorazowy…co mam teraz zrobić? Jak się zachować? Prosimy D. Nie wiem, jak zareagował, wszystko się dzieje za szybko. Z wyliczeń lekarza wynika, że nasze dziecko rozwijało się do 9 tygodnia. ” To najczęściej są jakieś wady genetyczne na poziomie podziału komórkowego, które nie pozwalają dziecku się rozwijać, to nie musi mieć wpływu na koleją ciążę” – słyszę. Ale czy to prawda, że to się w ogóle stało? Czy to do mnie to mówi? „Jutro mam dyżur w szpitalu, jeżeli pani chce, może pani przyjść i to ja zrobię pani zabieg, nie ma na co czekać”. Ale jak to? Przecież dziewczyny dostają tabletki na podtrzymanie, przecież nie było dużego plamienia, mam super wyniki. Przecież to już jest dziecko, ma rączki i nóżki, jak to nie żyje? Jak mogło ta po prostu umrzeć? Jak to? Przecież mu dzisiaj śpiewałam!

Wieczór jest tragiczny. Przyjeżdża moja mama z siostrą, zapłakane. Nie chciałam, żeby ktoś tu był. Chcę tylko D.! D. wychodzi do innego pokoju, on też chciałby, żeby tu nikogo nie było. Dzwonią telefony, przychodzą sms-y, wszyscy bliscy przyjaciele wiedzieli o kontroli, czekają na wieści. Jam mam to powiedzieć? Jak mam przekazać wiadomość, w którą sama nie wierzę? Przecież to nie jest możliwe. Pierwszy raz w życiu poczułam się oddzielona od swojego ciała, dosłownie, to wszystko działo się obok, tam nie było mnie. To było takie uczucie, jakby to wcale mnie nie dotyczyło. Czy to właśnie jest szok? Czy to to? Tak mnie boli, że nie wiem co robić. Ale czy to już wszystko? Nie zemdleję? Nie stracę sił? Nie rozwalę czegoś? Po prostu będę tak siedzieć? Wstaję, siadam, idę do D. Mama już poszła, nie chciałam, żeby poczuła się odtrącona, ale nie chcę nikogo. Później przychodzą 2 przyjaciółki. Myślałam, że to dobry pomysł, ale jednak nie. „Nie martw się, jeszcze będziesz miała dziecko, może po prostu los chce, żeby nasze fasolki urodziły się w jednym czasie…” – mówi jedna. Co?! Płaczę. „To dlaczego nie dał wam, a zabrał moją?!” – odpowiadam. Nikt nie może powiedzieć nic, żeby przestało tak boleć. Przecież nie można nic powiedzieć. Niech wszyscy sobie idą. Uspokajam się, i znowu histeria, i się uspokajam. Płaczę, później milczę, później znowu płaczę. Muszę się spakować do szpitala. Jak ktoś ma już to zrobić, niech to będzie chociaż mój lekarz, ufam mu, nie chcę, żeby zrobił to ktoś inny.

Pamiętam ten moment, jak poszłam na pierwsze zlecone w ciąży badania. Weszłam do laboratorium, dałam karteczkę od lekarza. „Czy pani jest w ciąży?” – zapytała pielęgniarka. „Tak, jestem” – odpowiedziałam, i usłyszałam to tak, jakbym to nie ja powiedziała. Jestem w ciąży, to się dzieje naprawdę. Szok! Piękny szok. Później lekkie przeziębienie, katar, wodnisty, nic groźnego. Na wszelki wypadek idę do lekarza rodzinnego zapytać, co robić, jak się to rozwinie. „Nie zawracałabym głowy katarem, ale jestem w 7 tygodniu ciąży i nie chciałabym, żeby katar przerodził się w coś gorszego” – powiedziałam. I znowu – „jestem w ciąży” brzmiało tak nierzeczywiście. Musiałam to sobie powtarzać w głowie, żeby uwierzyć. „Nie ma już dzidziusia, nie rozwinął się” – jak długo to będę musiała sobie powtarzać? „Nie ma już dziecka, nie ma, nie żyje, już nie ma”… i tak w koło. Słyszałam, jak D. powiedział to swojemu przyjacielowi przez telefon, brzmiało to jak żart. No i jeszcze ta głupia nadzieja wieczorem. Miewałam już bardziej realistyczne sny, może to jeden z nich? Zawsze myślałam, że takie gadanie jest banalne, ale nie…nadzieja umiera ostatnia, a ja łapałam się wszelkich możliwych nadziei. Najgłupsze co zdołałam wymyślić w ciągu tej długiej, bezsennej nocy, to że może w życiu każdego człowieka jest jedna sytuacja, w której dostaje się drugą szansę i można wszystko zmienić. Może do każdego przychodzi jakiś cudowny duch, anioł, i mówi – „Cofniemy to, ale pamiętaj, że to jeden raz i już więcej nie będzie takiej możliwości” – i czas się cofa. Można naprawić wszystko i zmienić wydarzenia. Stwierdziłam, że może nikt o tym nie wie, bo nie można o tym mówić, bo wtedy straciłoby się szansę. Czego nie wymyśli mama, która właśnie traci dziecko? Łapanie się najgłupszych pomysłów też jest jakimś pomysłem. A może nie pójdę do szpitala, pójdę do innego ginekologa i on powie – „Jaki brak tętna? Pięknie się rozwija!” Ale nie, przecież mój lekarz zrobił mi najdłuższe usg świata, jutro też powtórzą to w szpitalu, niech już będzie rano.

6:30, dzwoni budzik. W końcu! Wstajemy. Pośpieszam D. Dzwoni moja mama, zapłakana mówi, że jedzie do szpitala ze mną. „Jak masz płakać, to nawet nie przyjeżdżaj, nie utrudniajcie mi tego” – mówię. „Nie będę, nie będę płakać, już jadę”. Ja też nie będę, chcę pojechać i już wrócić do domu, niech to już się skończy. Jak tylko się skończy, może w końcu to do mnie dotrze, niech to w końcu do mnie dotrze.

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