koniec to początek

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– No nie widzę tętna

– Nie, Jezu, nie…

-No niestety

-Ale jak to? Boże, może pan poprosić D.?

-Teraz? Na fotelu?

To było tydzień temu. Tydzień, a wydaje się, że miesiąc albo dłużej. Wszystko działo się tak szybko. Nasze dziecko przestało rozwijać się w 9 tygodniu, kontrola była w 12. Przez 3 tygodnie nosiłam w sobie martwą istotkę i o tym nie wiedziałam. Czułam, że jest coś nie tak, przestały boleć piersi, ciało nie zmieniało się tak intensywnie, wszystko się zatrzymało. Ciążę przechodziłam bezobjawowo, zero mdłości, senności, złego samopoczucia, zachcianek, nic. Bardzo chciałam mieć objawy, zazdrościłam koleżance, która czuła mdłości i spala całymi dniami – „przynajmniej wie, że wszystko jest ok”- myślałam. Na poprzedniej kontroli widzieliśmy bijące serce, prawidłowo, tak jak powinno. Oby tak dalej – usłyszeliśmy od lekarza. Więc co się stało? Przecież wszystko robiłam dobrze, przecież dbałam i się starałam, tak się cieszyłam…

Ten dzień to był koniec. Koniec naszej ciąży. Koniec naszego nowego życia. Ten właśnie koniec dla mnie jest również początkiem. Początkiem przygotowywania się do kolejnej ciąży, początkiem oczekiwań na zielone światło od lekarza, początkiem innego podejścia. Jestem właśnie na początku radzenia sobie ze stratą i znajdywania sposobów, żeby poczuć się lepiej. Znowu jestem kobietą, która stara się o dziecko, która się boi, że to nie takie łatwe, która po pierwszej próbie z niecierpliwością będzie czekała na okres, a raczej jego brak, ale nie będzie się do tego przyznawać, żeby nie zapeszyć, żeby ludzie nie pomyśleli, że popada w psychozę, żeby samej siebie nie ranić.

Zaczynam więc, od dzisiaj, równo tydzień po zabiegu. Najpierw opiszę co się działo, co przy tym czułam, jak to wyglądało z mojego punktu widzenia, jak przebiegło ostatnie 7 dni. Co do jutra, nie mam pojęcia co się stanie, sama jestem ciekawa. Jestem pełna nadziei, że tak jak udało się za pierwszym razem, tak samo szybko uda się za drugim i za 3-4 miesiące będzie to blog o nowej, zdrowej, silnej ciąży. Tak będę myślała, bo przecież koniec to początek, a po tej burzy musi wyjść słońce, bo nie jesteśmy stworzeni do życia w szarości.

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  60. Witaj ja mając 19 lat poronilam w 14 tygodniu i okazało się podobnie jak u ciebie że dzieciątko zmarło w 8 tygodniu teraz mam prawie 30 lat i dwoje wspaniałych dzieci 7 i 3 łatka pozdrawiam cię i życzę ci aby u was też wszystko dobrze się skonczylo

  61. Życzę powodzenia! Miałam już syna kiedy straciłam wczesną ciążę. Zapomnieć nie zapomnę, ale nie myślę o tym. 13 miesięcy po zabiegu urodziła się moja córka, a kilka lat później następna, niespodziewana (w dodatku ostatnia ciąża była bliźniacza, ale jeden pęcherzyk był pusty). Dopóki nas to nie spotka, nie zdajemy sobie sprawy z tego, ile kobiet przeżyło to samo.

    • No właśnie, bo kto zakłada, że go to spotka? Nikt. I słusznie, bo nie powinien zakładać. To straszne, ile rodzin przeżywa taką tragedię. Pozdrawiam serdecznie i gratuluję rodziny 🙂 pozdrawiam

  62. Witaj czytam twoje wpisy z zapartym tchem ja na drugą kreseczke czekałam 3 lata i chociaż nie przeżyłam takiej tragedii całą ciążę leżałam bo plamiłam bałam się nawet wstawać do łązienki. W trakcie leczenia usłuszałam że podczas miesiaczki dochodzi u mnie do samoistnych poronień bo mój organizm odrzuca płód, to był koszmar jak mój organizm mógł odrzucać coś czego tak pragnę, trafiłam do innego lekarza i to się okazało bzdurą na szczęście doczekałam się kreseczki fakt że bardzo stresujacej ciąży potem tysiaca problemów ale naprawdę nie można sie załamywać wiem że łatwo się mówi ale ja uważam że w życiu musi wydarzyć się coś by mogło wydarzyć sie coś!

    • witam,
      dokładnie też tak sądzę. Nic się nie dzieje bez przyczyny, chociaż tak krótko po zabiegu ciężko myśleć o tym w ten sposób. Nie załamujemy się, będziemy mieć dziecko, mocno w to wierzę 🙂 Jeżeli tym blogiem będę mogła podzielić się z innymi osobami, które przeżywały podobne problemy, to jest mi bardzo miło, że ktoś to czyta 🙂 Cieszę się, że u Ciebie skończyło się dobrze. Proszę o trzymanie kciuków za mnie i za D., pozdrawiam,
      Ania

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